What have I done?

What have I done?
F

FLRich

Registrant
I've been coming to this site for about 10 days now. I had this strong compulsion to find a site like this, to find other guys that had gone thru abuse, too. I was so excited when I finally found it until I think I have jumped the gun a bit. I immediately posted my survivor story, which I had never even written down before. I've been reading topics on the discussion boards and have even made a few friends with some of you in the chat room. For some reason today, I feel awful, depressed, and really confused about what Im doing to myself. I'm weepy now! thoughts have been racing thru my head like mad. I thought I was going to feel better coming here. I'm wondering if any of you felt this way when you first started, should I just drop out for a
while, or should I stay and trudge on? I've never had these feelings. I think maybe I liked it better bottled up. At least I felt in control.
I don't mean to come across as some sort of wuss, I just want to know is this normal?
 
Hi FLRich,

You and I have followed pretty much the same pattern. I, like you, felt the need to connect with others who are going through what I am, and found this site a couple of weeks ago. The last few days I've had the same self-doubts about whether I should have just kept the cork on all this. Because I know now that I've uncorked the bottle, I'm going to have to deal with the demons that are streaming out of it. I've wondered whether I could just stuff all this bad stuff back down in my brain and forget it. I don't think I can though. I really feel that I need to deal with this once and for good, and start trying to move on to a better life. I know my life has been crappy in the past, so I know it can only get better. Feel free to PM if you need to. I understand completely what you're saying.
 
We all had a need to seek out support from others. This is a great place to get that support, something that we needed for awhile. Our tendancy is to rush and push at first. This has all been bundled up in us for a long time wanting to get out, unfortunately we can't just do a data dump and upload everything at once.
It is common to get overwhelmed with this healing stuff, especially at first. Step back, take a deep breath, and find the levels that you are comfortable with. After all, it is you that you are helping. If you need to take a break, by all means take one. Being overwhelmed isn't helpful.

Take care,
Bill
 
flarich,

it is o.k. to feel overwhelmed, confused, and akward. i think by coming here, we know we are not alone. i just started about 2 months ago.

i hid my abuse for 31 years. i am not strong enough or ready yet to post my survivor story but am planning on doing so in some near time.

i finally am dealing with this process right along with you and our brothers. there is some relief and certainly anxiety.

anyhow, hang with us if you can. better to be with others who understand than to be alone and not deal with it as i had for so long.

take care, guy
 
FLrich
don't "struggle on" - walk on. Stick with us and learn to run.

The feeling of 'being down' soon after you start dealing with this crap is understandable, you are moving on from some of the things that have troubled you in the past. Even if it's only been a matter of days or weeks since you started to think about your recovery, you have made your own choice to move from victim to Survivor, and that's bound to feel strange.

Will it get any better ? I think it will, many Survivors that I know have felt the same and got past it.
We feel a bit 'empty' because we're leaving something behind, but soon enough new, and more positive things, will come along to fill the gap.

Don't turn back now, the hard part is now, the good part is not that far away.

Dave
 
I can tell you this much. It is extremely normal. Now, you can go at things the way that I and many others here have, and the things that you are talking about will become worse, stronger, etc., and start to completely interfere with every other part of your life for a while. We jumped right in and started doing as much as was humanly possible for as long as we could take it. It is really rough doing things that way. I would recommend that you walk instead of running now that you are here. Do things gradually. Good luck.
 
FLRich,

If you had never written your story before, maybe you had gotten pretty good at avoiding even the thought of it. Now you tell it, and you find that people do understand, do recognize what you always suspected but couldn't let yourself believe. It wasn't your fault.

Makes everything look different, doesn't it?

Your reaction sounds very normal to me. Pace yourself if you feel you need that. It's your work, your recovery, your life. Go at your own pace on your own path. If you take a break, you take a break. Just remember where you can find us.

Thanks,

Joe
 
FLRich - to start dealing with this stuff takes a hell of a lot of bottle. It unleashed a whole range of emotions in me & I understand from my time here that I am not untypical (neither are you).

When I first came here back in December I was totally out of it having finally broken the silence properly for the first time in 34 years (I attempted it 2 years earlier, but didn't make that good of a job of it then).

I can tell you that the good times for me now far outway any of the bad - I am starting to feel in control, probably for the first time since I was 12!

I have gained strength from the people on this site, from good friends that have stood by me - most importantly I want to defeat this and therefore I am even giving myself strength.

It's not easy at first & I have had some minor relapses - in seven months though, I am completely unrecognisable from the neurotic, paranoid wreck that I was!

Stay here and enjoy the best support that you will find anywhere!

Best wishes ....Rik
*And don't forget to love yourself - that's really important!
 
FlRich,

that is part the beauty of being here. It is at your pace. You can post as much or as little as you wish. You go to chat as much or as little. I was in chat room tonight for a while, first time in like 9 or 10 months. You move as fast or as slow as feels right. This is not a race. If it is, it is only with yourself. The size of the steps is not important, as long as you are facing the right direction. Take good care, and do not push too much.

Leosha
 
You have taken the first step! Your feelings are incredibly important and, as you can see, very normal...my question for you is whether you are in any form of therapy...which I found to be very helpful...I also see a medical person for meds for PTSD...anyway, it is very important to get some help and be very, very honest with your care providers and fight for good help.

Marty
 
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