what happened

what happened
B

batcountry

Registrant
well i am kind of new here, i have been in chat for a couple weeks now. and i said that i was too paranoid to use the message board but it never seems to work for me in chat. so i guess i will post what i can't tell people, but i will probably just end up editing it out anyway...

well i am 24 years old now. me and my sister were abused together when we were 5 to i think 6. we are twins so we were the same age. it was by my 15 yr old cousin at my uncle's ranch where we got sent to go for those summers. nobody knew, he would take us to the shed that they didnt use anymore way out on the property... we were just "playing".. but what 15 yr old is going to really play with some 5 yr olds? no, it wasn't a game. i even knew that even if i was pretty stupid.

mostly my sister got it worse than me. and i still feel bad for that. we do not ever talk about it but i was there so i remember. and i rememeber the things that were done, and what i had to see and feel. and how it was like for her to. i don't think i ever could forget that.

i think that we tried to tell our parents tht our cousin was hurting us. then we didn't have to go over there anymore, but nothing was done. when we were bad they would threaten to send us back over to him. i did notice that no one ever allowed little children over there unsupervized though after that. so i am pretty sure we did actually try to tell them or else it doesn't make sense right?

well uh that's all i guess. i dont really want to write anymore. i have a lot of other things in my life that cause problems, maybe even more than this, but i dont really want to talk about them right now. this is enough i think. sorry for rambling or if i dont make any sense, im not use to telling people about this you know? well... bye
 
Bat,
Welcome. That first post is by far the hardest. You're braver than you think you are. There are millions of guys who won't even admit anything happened to them. You know by now, that it wasn't your fault. You did all the right things. You told your parents, but they didn't follow through with their end of the deal which was to really take care of you. You also aren't alone. We've all been right where you are now. Keep posting as you are able. Let it all out. It is amazing how good it feels to put it down after carrying those feelings all those years. Let it all out. don't apologize for any of the feelings or what you say. It's part of recovery. take care of yourself now.
Paul
 
Hi Bat,

Welcome, glad you were able to make the tough first post. As Paul said, you did nothing wrong and did the right things and perhaps not only saved you and your sister from further abuse, but perhaps other kids as well. Sorry that happened to you and know folks are here for you.

Halibut
 
Batcountry,

Neither you or your sister deserved what happened to you. I hope the both of you progressing along the journey of recovery.

Courage-Spirituality-Wisdom
 
Hi bat,

I'm agreeing with all the rest has already said.
The first post is the hardest for sure. It's not easy to write it down.
Take your time, don't force yourself or let other people force you to go faster then you like.
If there's something you want to write down, do so.. Here, or if you're not ready, just for yourself.
So far I think everyone here has been great.
Hope you can find your way around this site too.
Greets,

Alexander
 
thanks guys for the kind comments.

i had a question about what kind of thing we can post here. is it only SA issues specifically or if we had another trouble or problem maybe related to other kinds of abuse or other traumatic issues, is that ok too. i was just wondering. thanks
 
Bat,
you will find it is probably all interrelated. Coping, grieving, substance abuse, acting out, bad dreams, headaches, runny noses...post anything on here that you have problems with. If you read to other posts there are guys here with zillions of issues. I alone probably have half a zillion other things. You're among friends.
Paul
 
Don't be sorry for rambling or anything else. I do not think that what you said was rambling. It takes a lot of courage to share your story but we are here to support you. I think that your parents should have done more but at least he was not unsupervised anymore.
Keep writing to us. It helps relieve the suffering. At least it does for me.

Peace,
Gregory.
 
Thank you for posting part of your story. It took a certain amount of healthy recognition and a good dose of courage to be open and honest in such a meaningful way.

I am a firm believer that part of what hurt us most as children was the burden of knowing and keeping such a terrible secret. As we begin to unload it bit by bit as adults, we can finally start to feel freedom again. Freedom from the deception and the lies and the shameful secrets that weren't even ours to begin with really, but belong instead to the perpetrators who harmed us.

Please feel free to post and discuss any topic which you feel you need help understanding or simply wish to share. And welcome.

Russ
 
Batcountry,

I remember my first post. Its very scary but I also remember the relief at the support I immediate received and still do to this day just over one year later. You made that first step. Thankyou for sharing very personal stuff with us.

You can post pretty much anything you want on these boards. There are different Boards within the Boards such as Sexual Identity Issues, Gay Survivors, Spirituality and Survivors, Male Survivors, Family and Friends, Poetry etc so if you want to post specifically about those issues you can go to those boards first. That way people know what to expect and the moderators wont have to move content that ends up in the wrong place.

The other guideline that is important is to put the phrase Trigger Warning in the Subject of your post if your post contains content of sexually or abusively sensitive material such as something that may describe your past abuse. The last thing somebody needs is to be reading a post and then bam! They are hit in the face with something they were unprepared for. I know there are days that Ive have seen the Trigger Warning on a post and Ive skipped that particular post as Ive not felt that I could cope reading stuff like that on a given day.

Im sorry that you parents didnt do all that they should have to protect you. There is small comfort I guess in the fact that they did believe you to some extent and that other small children were no longer allowed to visit the farm. Some children arent believed at all when they report abuse.

I hope you can stick around and read and post as you feel you are able to. Theres a great deal of mutual support and encouragement to be had and provided here. Welcome!
 
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