What happened today (trigger)
Sick Puppy
Registrant
I was behind the register at the record store where I work. This guy came in, pretty average looking, wearing a blue jacket and jeans. He flipped through some CDs for a couple minutes then came up to the counter.
"Can I help you?" I said.
"Yeah," he said. "Can I take you home?"
I felt a rush of fear in my blood and looked down really quickly. I pretended to be re-arranging the stuff under the counter.
"No," I said. It came out as almost a whisper.
"That's too bad," he said.
I asked him if he was looking for any album in particular.
He said he wasn't really looking for a CD but he would buy one if it would get me closer to bed with him. He was being very forward but I suppose he figured I couldn't do much since I am small and don't look in the least assertive.
"I don't want to," I said. Again it came out much too quietly.
He leaned across the counter so his face was pretty close to mine and half-whispered something like "I know you like guys. Let me take you home and I'll fuck you 'till you bleed and I know you'll love it."
At this point I went into the back room and left him by himself at the counter. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack. My hands were shaking really hard. Even after I heard the bell over the door ring (which meant he had left because there were no other customers in the store at the time, and it was a slow time in the day so no one else was probably coming in) I could not go back out into the store for two or three hours. I sent another employee out and stayed in back working on some inventory spreadsheets.
I could understand why anyone would be bothered by his last comment but I had no good reason to be bothered before that. People are supposed to be flattered when they get hit on... at least, guys are, girls don't seem to like it as much sometimes. I am gay so it is not a matter of it being the wrong gender. The fact that he hit on me means I am attractive, at least to him, so this should make me feel better, shouldn't it?
...but no... I would much rather someone call me ugly, a skinny freak, any kind of derogatory statement towards my appearance, because it makes me feel secure that I am not attractive and not something that others would want to use. I have been used by people who liked my face or my body or maybe both. I'm not all that attractive but I guess I am attractive enough for people to want to use me... so I want to be ugly. I want to think that no one uses ugly people.
"Can I help you?" I said.
"Yeah," he said. "Can I take you home?"
I felt a rush of fear in my blood and looked down really quickly. I pretended to be re-arranging the stuff under the counter.
"No," I said. It came out as almost a whisper.
"That's too bad," he said.
I asked him if he was looking for any album in particular.
He said he wasn't really looking for a CD but he would buy one if it would get me closer to bed with him. He was being very forward but I suppose he figured I couldn't do much since I am small and don't look in the least assertive.
"I don't want to," I said. Again it came out much too quietly.
He leaned across the counter so his face was pretty close to mine and half-whispered something like "I know you like guys. Let me take you home and I'll fuck you 'till you bleed and I know you'll love it."
At this point I went into the back room and left him by himself at the counter. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack. My hands were shaking really hard. Even after I heard the bell over the door ring (which meant he had left because there were no other customers in the store at the time, and it was a slow time in the day so no one else was probably coming in) I could not go back out into the store for two or three hours. I sent another employee out and stayed in back working on some inventory spreadsheets.
I could understand why anyone would be bothered by his last comment but I had no good reason to be bothered before that. People are supposed to be flattered when they get hit on... at least, guys are, girls don't seem to like it as much sometimes. I am gay so it is not a matter of it being the wrong gender. The fact that he hit on me means I am attractive, at least to him, so this should make me feel better, shouldn't it?
...but no... I would much rather someone call me ugly, a skinny freak, any kind of derogatory statement towards my appearance, because it makes me feel secure that I am not attractive and not something that others would want to use. I have been used by people who liked my face or my body or maybe both. I'm not all that attractive but I guess I am attractive enough for people to want to use me... so I want to be ugly. I want to think that no one uses ugly people.
I realize you were nervous BUT we humans get nervous and anxious when we are doing some new things! You were great! 
Don't lose that voice now!! 