What got you through the maze?

What got you through the maze?
R

reality2k4

Registrant
I see younger guys coming here, and they are real cut up, and need of support.
They say the exact same things, I remember going through in their lives right now.

It is impossible for me to relate to their hurt, and only know my own.
Abuse is not just about the body, its about the mind and how they screw your emotions so badly.

I remember times as a child of just wanting to hurt myself, feeling worthless, and the whole world seemed like some odd mess.
Putting the jigsaw together was almost impossible.

I suppose that I had more strength and optimism as a child, and just wanted to be older and stronger in case it happened again.

Life is our gift, childhood was our gift, and nobody should have made us have to just survive.
There sure is nothing to describe the hurt of finding nobody to talk to for decades.

A lot of the older guys in here, kept the silence for that long, and we can all relate to the damage it can cause.

A lot of guys lose their faith in God along the way, and is it any wonder!
I lost it, but soon I thot, there was nobody in his world to cry to, except God.

He made me who I am, so guess I just have to accept what life throws at me.
But I am a fighter, and even though I never wanted to fight, I was forced to.

Always remember that somehow, you will, and you did get through, and I am glad to be with such courageous men and boys alike,

ste
 
In answer to your question.....

The knowledge that the world is a better place than the place where I found m,yself.

That gave me the strength to carry on. Regrets? Yeah, I lost 15-20 years (after that last rape)to hiding from it. I wish I had had the courage to deal with it earlier.

Im happy with who I am, I know life can be hard, but I am begining to taste the good.

I want those 20 years back.
 
It's not so much that I want the years back ( what's gone is gone) - I just want to have a future....it's out there somewhere!

Rik.... I'm alive (so alive)???
 
I note that the common thing here is loss, and Jacob, you are young enough to overcome that loss.
I have got to a time in my life, where I can finally put end points on my past.

I used to think that I was a dead little boy inside, and everything is meant to hurt him.
I rediscovered that he never died, and is more than a match for any man or woman.

I dont want to fight those I meet, I am friendly enough, but nobody has power over me, just like a boy would think.

I am lucky to have time off, to work on myself, and get back to being the real me inside.
I hope it happens for all of us, so never give up, because its courage that got you through,

ste
 
Ste,

Im not sure if I missed the point to this topic but I wanted to highlight something you said and how it struck chord with me.

There sure is nothing to describe the hurt of finding nobody to talk to for decades.
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That was me. I had nobody because to survive I had to put up protective walls all around my life growing up, and I still have those walls around me. The good thing is that I can now see those walls. They were there before but I didnt know they were there. I know what their purpose was and now I will work on letting them down bit by bit.

I want people to talk to, but easy does it for me.
 
Grunty,

the point of the topic, was.
How? Did any of us get through, how hard life was, as we could not relate to others, not even siblings or family life.

Thats why I always tell the younger members, that it does get better, and talking it out can be cathartic.

On the face of it, we should all be grumpy, but were not, we are the opposite, totally the opposite.
Maybe we see life different, like life is to be lived, not squandered.

I think that when we relate to all the hurt of silence for so long and the catalog of damage of past, events, we realise, and find our true meaning in the world.

So, to all the younger members, yes, it does get better, slow at the start, but one by one, you can put stuff behind you,

ste
 
There's one more memory that I have that helps me to get through (when I remember it).

When we were in Junior School (7-11) and did sports, there were lots of skinnier kids that were really good at sprinting. I wasn't exactly on the large side, but was well fed with a strong constitution. Sprinting was never my game!

When we went to secondary schoold (11-16), we did winter sports which included cross country running. The first time we went on a run, all the sprinters set off at a fast pace. I didn't even attempt to go at their speed, because I knew it would be very exhausting over a longer distance.

It was a strange experience for me, because I just kept one pace that felt comfortable. One by one, I overtook the sprinters, and gradually made it to the front of the field! I remained unbeaten for the next five years (that's when I left school).

I actually represented the school one year in the county championships, and came 6th out of a field of over 100.

What this taught me, was that doing things quickly just got you out of breath. Taking your time gave you the stamina to see things through and win!

It's a bit like being here!

Best wishes...Rik
 
i have to say it was my faith. in fact, i am not sure i could have recovered without it. the knowledge that God will judge the man that abused me makes it possible to have closure. the fact suicide was a sin i couldnt repent for, always kept that out of bounds, no matter how much i wanted it to end. then later, the strength i got from knowing God helped me to endure even the worst times. frankly, i dont know how someone would survive without knowing God. it has removed fear of death, fear of bad times and events, because i know it will be okay in the end. that is where i drew my strength from.
 
I got to where I am so far by trying to ignore and forget about it. It didn't work. Self loathing and hate festered inside of me, and this defeated every single attempt to better myself throughout my working life and in relationships etc.

So, I'm not trying to ignore it anymore, I'm trying to address these issues head on, I don't see any other choice if I want a better life, and I want that better life very badly.
 
frankly, i dont know how someone would survive without knowing God. it has removed fear of death, fear of bad times and events, because i know it will be okay in the end. that is where i drew my strength from.
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EXACTLY-There was nowhere alse to turn but to him.
I tried suicide on two occasions, and it was him who saved me.

I thought! Why? Should I be the one who has to leave like that, I am better than that, and it will get better.

There is a bottom to life, and I have been there, so anyone new to this, take courage in knowing you are strong enough to climb back out and be strong again.

Talk it out, look for advice, but keep at it, because you are better than those who put you here, loads better,

ste

Sorry its 90 degrees here :p
 
but its not ok in the end .where is the end?i cant see it ,or feel it. shadow
 
there is an end, at least to the depression and pain. dont get me wrong, there are parts of this that never go away, but you can be a fulfilled and happy person even after abuse. it may not seem like it all the time, but it is out there.
 
Adam, there is no perceived end, there can't be, but you can find out who you really are.
Put the guilt of that letter where it belongs, the crazy man who wrote it.

Tell yourself the truth, and say that none of it was true, absolutely not.
Every perp I have ever seen, has denied being an abuser, every one, that includes Ray.

Life IS worth living, if you can shrug off the guilt and put it where it belongs.
Hang it around 'his' neck, and go forward.

ste
 
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