What going to a T SHOULD be like.

What going to a T SHOULD be like.
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Brothers,

Jesse7 has recently started a thread in which he describes a pretty awful experience he had seeing a T for the first time. We have had that sort of thing here from time to time in the past, and I'm glad Jesse posted. That's what we have to do: talk about it when things go wrong or seem strange.

But I thought that perhaps what we also need is a thread on what it's like to work with a REALLY GOOD T. Maybe this would help to encourage guys who haven't yet taken this big step.

Okay, so here goes mine. I have seen four different therapists, all of whom were very good to outstanding. The first one was in Germany, and of course I was scared to death. I was going to be dealing with abuse issues for the first time, and in a language that is not my own. But the T was trying to set me at ease from the outset, and all she asked me about were some general personal details. Clearly she was waiting for me to get used to the idea of talking to her, and that was great. I didn't feel rushed or cornered, and for the first few sessions we didn't even get close to abuse issues.

The second was a T, Sharon Starobin in Wormleysburg, PA (across the river from Harrisburg), who helped me disclose to my parents. She too was very considerate and didn't ask anything personal until I assured her that I had already been seeing a T in Hamburg and was okay with such questions. She made a special effort to keep the session friendly, low key and non-threatening and it all went very well. I have talked to her on several subsequent occasions, and she still calls my parents and my sister to see how I am getting along.

The third was an assessment when I wanted to start therapy in English back in the UK. The T took me into a room, asked me where I would like to sit, and then showed me a list of topics she wanted to cover. She assured me it would be just general and if there was any topic I didn't want to talk about I should just tell her. Again, very quiet and non-threatening. When she asked , "And how would you describe your childhood?" and I fell apart, she immediately offered to back off the topic.

The last is my current T Gillian Butler at Oxford University's Department of Psychology. Again, she has made a special effort to keep things calm and non-threatening. The pace is set by me, though she encourages me to push the envelope. We appreciate each other's sense of humor, and never once have I felt judged or devalidated by her. When I show up she greets me and asks how things have been, and then we settle down for the session. She asks if there is anything I especially want to talk about, and if not we pick up from where we were the last time. At the beginning, when I was still very jumpy, she always asked me where I would like to sit and was this room okay for me. She also warned me when she was about to get up, for example to get something off her desk. She encourages me to say what I feel, and that's great. Little Larry wants to say, "He fucked me", but Big Larry sees Gillian sitting there and says, "He hurt me". I will get past that soon, I know, but my T respects how I am struggling with this.

So...for you guys who are scared of starting therapy I can say this. DO it now!!!! :) The first sessions will be scary, yes, but the T will know you are nervous and the first task will be for you two to get used to each other. There is NOTHING wrong about being frightened, or nervous, and believe me, I have cried rivers in front of all my Ts. The T is NOT going to sit you down the first day, pick up a pencil, and then ask, for example, "Oh let's get down to it...how many times did your abuser fuck you?"

I have said this many times but will repeat it here: I now look forward to sessions with my T and am prepared to talk with her about anything. I trust her 100%. That doesn't mean I am a great client, it means Gillian is a great T.

I think we can all have that experience. These Ts ARE out there. I think it's important to give the T a chance; after all, a lot of the awkwardness at the beginning is inevitable. But if after awhile things feel wrong or unproductive, well, perhaps they are. There are many approaches to therapy, and you might have to check around before you find a T you can really talk to. But when you DO find that T, come back here and PM me to tell me, okay? ;) Finding that T makes ALL the difference!

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Larry

Your posting's just set me off down memory lane. The mention of Gillian Butler set me off thinking about my time in Oxford (1988-1994) and my experiences of assessment/therapy/analysis there. I googled Gillian Butler and it came up with the Warneford which rang distant bells -- so then I checked some old photocopies of my medical notes and found that I'd been there when seeking psychotherapy in 1990.

I'm getting an odd feeling. Part of it is thinking of you being in Oxford. I've always seen your posts saying "from Germany" and its just odd to suddenly think of you in Oxford. There's also just remembering how many times in the past I've sought/had therapy. Actually, it's not even remembering: it's just seeing the evidence of all the letters from GPs to psychologists, cognitive therapists, psychoanalysts, counsellors.

You've had really good experiences with therapists -- as you say. Looking back over my sheaf of medical records, I see how often I've been knocked-back.

Looking at the exchange of letters between GP and registrar when I was referred to the Warneford, I can see that I was basically just brushed-off. Yes I was anxious, isolated, introspective; but no therapy wouldn't be appropriate for me.

I've also been confronted by therapists who I just knew I couldn't possibly work with. (Last year, my wife was sectioned, and although the hospital was very good, we both became aware of the extent to which a big pay-off for people working with people with mental health difficulties is an increased sense of their own normalness.)

For about three or four years in Oxford I saw a psychoanalyst. That was pretty awful. At no time during the initial meeting did she attempt to establish whether I knew what psychoanalysis was (and, perhaps surprisingly, I really didn't). And then there I was on a couch thinking I was going to be helped and it slowly became apparent that she was expecting me to be there 3 times a week for YEARS. A lot of the time I just lay there in silence. That made her really cross (not dealing with the countertransference very well).

That silence has recently made so much sense to me -- I can see it as expressing what I really wanted to be heard, namely my having been told "you mustn't speak about this". But she didn't ever hear that.

This is really rambling, sorry.

I have had very good experiences of counsellors, and that includes my current experience.

I guess I thought when I read your posting --"That's a guy with his head above the water, so he CAN call for help". You've had (I'm supposing) the ability/knowledge/resources -- the "cultural capital" -- required to get good therapists. I think for a lot of my life I've been trying to call for help and getting mouthfuls of water.

But I do want to echo your view that a very good therapist is a very good thing. That there are people out there who are really professional, intelligent, engaged and can really help. I'm seeing a very good counsellor at the moment, and it's been amazingly good for me.

Tom
 
Tom,

It isn't rambling bro, it's YOUR experience of seeking help. Gillian is still at the Warneford! It's still an old rabbit warren of winding lanes and medieval walls, but in the middle sits a great psychology department and a lot of wonderful people. She still would have been a minor figure back in 1990, I think, but now she and Helen Mattingly are THE CBT authorities in the Oxford psychology establishment.

I don't doubt that you have been calling for help and getting mouthfuls of water; I guess we just have to keep looking for the right lifeguard.

Much love,
Larry
 
My image of therapy, before I walked through the door during the summer of 1999, was either something similar to a Woody Allen film where the client lay on a couch and wisecracks were exchanged, or therapy was only for people as crazy as Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
Nothing could be further from the reality that I found when I met Chris, my therapist.

At Axis therapy is done in small, softly lit rooms with comfortable chairs. There's no sense of intimidation from someone sat behind a desk, and because it's small and simple no distractions, just the two of us and my thoughts.

I'm lucky in some respects because I have since done most of the training to become a counsellor, and the whole subject of CSA and the recovery of survivors is something I feel passionate about, so I have some modest experience of both sides, I am no expert but I have passion.

Reflecting upon my own therapy I have often tried to remember if Chris ever asked me an outright question about something that I hadn't alluded to before, and I honestly don't think he did. He never probed for details by asking, he probed in a sublime way by provoking a response from me.
His skill, and because I now work for Axis I know 100% what a genuine skill he has, was in providing me with a safe place to disclose my memories, fears, hopes and problems. And that's a very special talent and skill.

I can remember going there one night night determined to talk about my acting out. I'm the kind of client that didn't walk out of the session and forget the whole thing until the next week - I thought about my problems constantly and prepared myself for my sessions, as much as I could.
So, I turn up ready to deal with the fact that I met strange men in toilets and had sex. I needed to deal with this at that time.
I sat there, and Chris sat there - both of us in silence. He watched me constantly, a slight smile on his face and a very open open 'body language'. I sat there frozen to the fucking chair, suddenly terrified of what he would think when - or indeed if - I told him about my current behaviours.
We sat like this for about 45 minutes, and I cracked. I spent the last 10 minutes or so telling him what I'd done. There was no time left for him to reply really, but I left the room on such a high. And the next week we dealt with my feelings about my acting out.

I've discussed this small episode with other therapists and counsellors since, and with the tutors in my training, and I've come to realise that what Chris did was a stunning bit of therapy.
One word from him would have distracted me from finding my courage to disclose. I would bet big money on the fact that he more or less knew where I was going, and the temptation for him to just ask me outright, in the hope that it speeded things up, must have been very strong.
If he'd done that it might have reininforced my ( wrong ) belief that I was the pervert that I thought I was at the time, because Chris could see it without me telling him.

It was my place to say the words and make my disclosure, that way the words were mine and not his, the whole acceptance of my behaviour by myself was mine - therefore I could own it fully and then deal with it, which I've done. And by "own it" I don't mean taking responsibility for the acting out in the sense that it was my fault, but rather .... acceptance that it was 'me' that acted out, but with mitigating circumstances that I had to figure out. Does that make sense?

Tom's comment - "That silence has recently made so much sense to me -- I can see it as expressing what I really wanted to be heard, namely my having been told "you mustn't speak about this". But she didn't ever hear that."
evokes a great deal of emotion for me, I lived in silence for 31 years, that's how long it took me to disclose. And the biggest breakthrough in my therapy was solely the result of my therapists silence.

Perhaps too many of us start therapy with some kind of media driven misconception of what it's all about and how it works? which is a shame I suppose, unless we're lucky enough to find ourselves in the care and trust of a good therapist or counsellor that dispells those misconceptions and realises just how easily CSA survivors can be thrown back into 'victim thinking'.

The good ones are great and can bring guys like us back to the reality we seek, the bad ones are nothing more that quacks that should be hounded out the profession mercilessly because of the damage they can do.
If you don't think your therapist is doing a good job then tell them, and make them work FOR you.

Dave
 
My T and the serivce that provided him were both VERY VERY good.

I was refered to them by the Local ambulance service after i had a breakdown and my 17 year old girlfriend didnt know what to do, so she called 999 and asked them.

They were specifically for survivors, adults abused as children.

They were brilliant, thats all I can say.

Derrick was amazing, he broke a few rules when dealing with me, once he started crying in the session after I told him about a particular incident.

Later, he introduced me to his wife and after I finished as his client he took me to dinner.

He showed me I could think!!

He talked me into (With my then girlfriends help) going to university.

What an amazing guy, and it didnt cost me a bean. All free. I went for almost 2 years.

It was paid for by the local health service. However after a few years they pulled funding and it was closed down.

Without breakfree and Derrick, I would be

1) In prison
2) Dead
 
Zen

He showed me I could think!!
Click to expand...
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's EXACTLY what good therapy does.

My brain was frozen for over thirty years, it's good to get it defrosted :rolleyes:

Dave
 
I like my therapist. He' not judgemental and always reenforces positive feedback. A couple times he's been firm and direct to me with my reponses when I talk down to myself. He tells me to stop blaming myself and look at all the good things I've achieved in life.

Last, but not least... He's handicapped, so it's hard to feel sorry for myself. His daily burdens with life far outweight my childhood abuse.

It give me a different perspective about life.

steve-o
 
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