What does this mean?

[midnight51]

Guys, I've been going to therapy and all that good stuff and we've been talking about how my T wants to help me make connections in my life. She wants to help me remember things and make connections to my current life situations. Anyway, as you all know I am still rooming with that guy that originally brought all the memories back and made me extremely fearful. I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything lately and I had some curious insights. He came home last night and said that "he missed me". My first reaction is, oh great, I have to deal with this again. See I was perfectly fine just removing him completely from my life. Anyway we got to talking, I had had a little to drink that night, and I was standing up for myself very well. I actually revealed to him that I was sexually abused as a child and that he scared me. On some unconcious level my intuition has always told me that I was suppose to learn something from him and so I made sure I stressed that I was sexually abused and I hinted at the fact that maybe he had been too, and he quite passivly admitted it and started to cry. I told him everyone deals with it differently and everyone's story is different, I told him that he didn't know who I was and made sure he was aware of that. I even became so bold as to say that my situation was different than his, because the person that abused me wasn't my Dad. And boom, I hit the nail on the head, it turned out that I was right. So what does this mean brothers? Could this be parallel to what happened in my childhood? Could it be, that I was so young and defenseless and niave that I couldn't stick up for myself and couldnt protect myself and the person that did this to me was, in fact, abused by his Dad and was absolutely confused himself? I'm not quite sure I can be friends with this guy anymore. I still feel very claustrophobic when around him. He says things to me, but to me, they sound like demands. They sound like, I'm suppose to listen to him, and I don't like that. I just want to say, 'look, you're not my Dad, don't tell me what to do.' I dunno, any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[Freedom]

Hi,

i have learned to take what makes my uncomfortable and look at myself first. Why am I uncomfortable? When I determine it is not me, or not just me, I ask questions or mention it. If that does not help, I put some distance and see what happens. We usually feel discomfort for a reason. Once we know why, it is easier to deal with.

Listen to your instincts.

Freedom.

 

[Stephen_5]

Midnight51,

Trust your instincts on this one. If you're uncomfortable around him it's probably not good for you. I found that after I started dealing with the abuse issues (after ignoring it for 38 years) I began being more assertive and stood up for myself and what I believe in. A lot of things make sense now from an adult perspective instead of an eleven-year-olds. I understand a lot more where my perp was coming from and why he did the things he did. I still don't feel the need to forgive him but I do forgive myself.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

 

[crisispoint]

Midnight,

I agree with the other guys here. There's something that's raising the warning lights here and it's better to listen to them than not.

I think it was great that you shared your history with this man. Perhaps he needed your perspective to start coming to terms with his situation. However, it seems, at least according to what you wrote, that part of his healing is to tell you how to handle yours. That is unhealthy for both of you.

Follow your own heart and trust yourself. I'm sure you;ll do what's right for you. I know that must sound like a cop-ou tot you, but it's better for the solution to come from yourself than someone else.

Just a thought for you. I hope everything turns out all right and that you are well right now.

Peace,

Scot

 

[Lloydy]

Midnight
I don't think it would be healthy for either of you to remain in the same apartment or room.
The temptation to try to 'heal' each other might be too great, and if you're both in the early stages then that just wouldn't work.

Remain as friendly as possible, the support of another survivor you can actually see and talk to is so strong it's worth the effort to maintain some kind of friendship.

But for both your sakes, I think you'll be better off somewhere else.

Dave

 

[Mike Church]

Midnight I add my concurrence with what Dave has said. Be friends and be able to talk about your sa with one another but that is all. By staying together you could both put yourselves in harms way.

 

[DannyT]

Hi Midnight--

Been thinking about what you've asked and what the other guys have written, and while I agree that you should probably obey your instincts, you seem to have conflicting instinctual reactions. One side seems to be saying, "this guy scares me and I should stay away," and the other seems to be saying "deep down I know that I have something to learn from this person."

So I would say take a deep breath and openly consider your relationship with your roommate and see what it really is. I sounds like it's very complicated, so let it take on its fullness, then see what harm can come to you from exploring it.

I know for me, I'm afraid of things that are bad for me, but I'm also often afraid of things that are likely to open doors. The second set of fears is really frustrating and has led to some real regrets in my life.

I don't want to try to push you either way on this, as I can't remember exactly what scared you about the guy in the first place. But I totally agree with Freedom. Figure out what is going on before you jump the gun. Believe in yourself, but also look deeply inside and see what you find.

You clearly opened a door in your conversation with your roommate. He may never before have admitted to his own pain publicly. There may be a transformation in process that could be very healing to see and to be a part of. It could be that you are scared of some similarities...the things that led you to guess correctly that he was abused. If that's the case, you might really help one another.

If when you look inside yourself you see real danger signs, then listen to them. But don't run away no matter what. Do the leaving kindly and comfortably. You can always leave, so you have control over the potentially scary part of the situation. That means you don't have to be worried, you can really take the time to look, explore the possibilities and decide comfortably what you want to do. It doesn't have to be a rush. You shared something profound with one another. That's something to honor.

Hope that helps. I guess I'm wondering about what it would mean to have someone close who really could see the whole picture. Might be great. Could be terrible. I'd have to really like the guy deep down for it to work.

Danny