What does it mean to be a friend?

[Ocellaris]

If someone to whom you were very close 20 years ago has drifted away from you partly because you both have grown and pursued different interests and social circles, and partly because you have pushed him away as you have pushed away everyone close to you is he still a friend? I ask because I recently made a comment to someone who was a good friend 20 years ago that I had alienated most people in my life and had no friends left, and he wasnt happy. He insisted that he still considered me a friend and still adored me (his word) today as he did 20 years ago. And then he showed me pictures of his four-month old son who I didnt know existed. Is it possible to have a child and keep that news from an adored friend for four months? I didnt know what to say except, What a cute baby. Congratulations! I wanted to confront him over the fact that I just learned the news, but decided it wasnt really worth it. We hardly talk as it is and who wants to waste that time arguing semantics? But still, is he in denial about our friendship or am I?

 

[OCN]

Perhaps this friendship is not so much about sharing everything which happens in your lives, but more about sharing the moments you spent and spend together?

Did you speak to him within the 4 month timeframe of the sons birth? And if so, perhaps you can ask yourself what you find important. Do you value the friendship over not sharing this piece of information, or do you think he hasn't be open and honest enough to you to be worth being called a friend?

Cause i guess you can always doubt any friendship, but those in which you don't let doubt overtake it, have proven to be valuable in my case. I have neglected people around me and myself, and still, by being honest with them, i found out that they never left me. It was only me who left the 'party'.

I don't know whether this will help you, these are just my 2 cents. Don't be too tough on yourself. Ask yourself what you find the most important: friendship or denial (from any side)?

Good luck in finding the answer Ocellaris!

 

[Ocellaris]

OCN -- Thanks for your insight!

To briefly summarize: this is my best friend from high school, but someone I have seen on only a handful of occasions over the past 5 years. I reached out to him because I had disclosed my abuse to him way back when we were teens, and I recently started therapy and wanted to tap into his memories -- what I told him about the abuse, how I acted before and after the abuse and before and after my disclosure, etc. I honestly thought he believed as I did -- that we were once very close but now are just acquainted. And so I was surprised that he objected when I told him I had no real friends left. I don't blame him for not informing me of his new baby -- after all, we had largely lost touch. But I thought it was a strange paradox because he had just finished insisting that he adored me as much as he did in years past, and yet never bothered to share such good news with me until I reached out to him for a completely different reason.

But your comment has raised an important question: How much effort did he make over the years to remain close to me and how did I respond to those efforts? I certainly made no effort. I was so intent on secluding myself that it's quite possible he made numerous overtures that I either don't remember or didn't recognize. And even if he hadn't made any gestures over the years -- even if he completely forgot about me and our friendship until I reached out to him and we had the conversation -- so what? He did agree to talk to me, and he allowed me to mine his memories.

So to answer your question, I'll choose friendship over denial (of friendship). Rather than worry about what kind of friend he was and has been and what kind of friendship we have had, I'm going to focus instead on what kind of friend I can be in the future and what kind of friendship we can build. I'm not going to expect too much, though. His life is really busy with his marriage and his baby and his job -- like I said, drifting apart -- but I'm just going to take it as it comes and hope for the best.

Thanks again for your help!

 

[finallyhere]

Sometimes we overthink life. People do get busy and live their lives but many times what we shared with them years ago can be something we cherish later in life. I have a childhood 'fiend' in a girl that lived next door till I was about 15. After that we got together to play tennis or something. Then I married, she married, now I have only seen her a handful of times and kept in touch only a handful more, sometimes just through a call to her mother...by the way I was 15, 39 years ago. So even though we don't keep in touch we both share a 'friendship'. Then on the other hand one of my 'best friends' in school was the source of my CSA and if I ever see him again it will be too soon. Moral of this story - If it is a healthy friendship don't throw it away because of time or lack of contact.

 

[C. E.]

People drift apart, then together - sometimes often. In my opinion, judging the value of a friendship by reviewing a checklist that proves the regard is not a true friendship. I've had sociopaths in my life who have feigned friendship along that criteria better than my truest friends. Like the "friend" who molested me, they have proven to be anything but true friends despite passing such technical muster.

A true friend is one who never needs anything from you for years and yet still has the same feelings for you ready to share. True friendship never grows stale, and never needs to be proven.

 

[finallyhere]

CE - Superb definition of True Friend

 

[Ocellaris]

Chase Eric -- Thanks. You've really given me something to think about.

finallyhere -- Overthink life, sometimes? How about all the time? Overthinking is exactly what keeps my life from moving forward. Making life simple is my goal!

 

[Rich1967]

Friendship is about loving another human being. There are different levels of love. We can love the human race and if we see someone we don't even know we are inclined to help them when they are in need. We can love our fellow survivors and want to reach out to them and answer their posts so they know we care about them. We can have close friendships with people we care deeply about and want to be there for them when they are in need and share in their happiness as well. Then there is the love we can have for someone where we want to spend the rest of our lives with them.

I think of love like a plant. If you don't feed and water it it doesn't do too well. Some plants can go along time without water while others are a little more high maintenance...I am probably in the later category BUT I make a pretty damn good friend.

I think for victims of sexual abuse the confusion and pain over friendships comes from our lack of self confidence and sometimes self loathing. After all who would want to be friends with a guy who let himself be sexually abused. It's just too hard to believe it sometimes.

When you feel good about yourself it helps you feel better about the friends you have. Letting someone know you care about them is a great gift to give and get.

 

[focusedbody]

What about trust? I'm wondering this because I think I would like to disclose more to my boyhood friends. I did so with one of them it was okay.

Inside however, I feel the walls of trust went through a major shift. Perhaps it's because I don't know if these old friends can make the connection from who I was to who I am and what I went through. I'm afraid that would break down some sense of trust. But on the other hand, I can see that it might also build it.

Great topic. Thanks...

FB

 

[don64]

Trust is the biggest issue for me. The truth is I have to be able to trust myself to navigate my own waters, figure out what I need, and be able to discern whether what I need is realistic or not. I've never been able to figure out my own needs in the past. Just now getting able to do that.

I've recently moved out into the world of people again, and am deciding for myself that being truthful about who I am and where I am is paramount. That provides a filter, giving people information about me so they have some basis for deciding how close they want to approach me. When I relate info about my abuse, I keep it general and say something like "I have some early abuse issues that have prevented me from working for a number of years." If anyone wants to know me better, they'll talk to me.

It feels pretty good so far. The grapevine is still alive and well, and I know word will get out about me. So far, I feel very warmly received. And, again, they one I'm trusting is myself to not project my neediness on others, while being open and honest enough to filter out those who do not possess a level of sensitivity I require in my life.

I also agree with Eirik. True friendship has nothing to do with time and space. There are a handful of people I care for who I haven't seen or talked to in years. Our journeys have taken different directions. If I saw any of them today, I'd still love them just as much, but I would of course reassess their current life course and determine how much our circles overlap. Again, to assess how much of myself would be realistic to share. People change. Some become more available, some less, some the same. Like me.

Don

 

[Bardo]

I agree with Donn and CE. In our lives we may have a handful of these friends, those that will love and be close to you even after years of separation. I have one that lives about 40 miles away as the crow flies. I had not seen him in 15 years, and we reconnected and are as close as ever. Maybe you and your friend should celebrate and acknowledge that this is the kind of friendship that you have, and then agree to keep in closer touch now that you have reconnected. I am glad that you have each other!