What does depression feel like as a survivor

[Tryingtolive]

If you struggle with depression what are some of the things you struggle with?

I struggle with.
Self hatred.
Negative self talking.
Lack of confidence.
Feeling numb
Feel like I'm in a haze.
Lacks appetite.
Smoking.
Keeps everyone away.
No hope.
Doesn't like others company.

You can add to this list if you would like.
What does depression feel like to you?

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[LinEar]

Many of those things, and one to add... an overhanging tiredness, cloudiness from above.

 

[trytry]

Its hard to tell whats caused by depression when you have an anxiety disorder, PTSD, and ADHD on top of it but i think your list covers most of it. Unable to believe compliments, most of the time im also so bored that it feels like im stuck in a room with nothing in it except a clock, watching it for what seems like forever, tho in reality theres plenty that i could be doing but i have either no interest or no energy to do any of it. Which brings up another common problem with depression, no interest in any of the things you like to (or rather, used to like to) do.

 

[Blue__Bird]

I'd add apathy, patience running really short on people and their casual talk, sadness, uncertainty about your future, and being careless especially choosing what to wear and stuff like that.

 

[Cyclingmad]

For me I feel like death is a release.

No I am not suicidal, I do not want to hurt the people that I love and I could not do that to them by taking my own life. Particularly my mother who removed me from the abuse when she found out. Recently she had a brain haemorrhage from 3 aneurysms (probably as a result of years of high blood pressure as a result of her own stress), me taking my life would probably be too much for her. I do not want to be a cause of trauma to the people I love and inflict pain similar to mine on them.

However, I am tired. I have lived with this so long and battled with it so hard I want it to stop. For me death is not something I am scared of but see it as a release from my depression and my thoughts. For me being tired is the hardest, so tired of living in my own head.

Is that strange?

 

[traveler]

Trying -

I have had all of your list of symptoms except smoking, plus:

feeling like everything is grey and colorless
lack of any emotions or severely suppressed emotions
extreme apathy - just don't care about anything
no energy or motivation
withdrawal - not being aware of anything going on around me

but it can get better - with work and support.
I am now mostly free of most of these most of the time.

Lee

 

[SilentNoLonger]

I struggle with most of what you've posted too, but I thought it would be good for me to write out and explain a little about each one, maybe others can relate.

I struggle with:

Self hatred - just not liking anything about me and hating what I have become and the opportunities I feel I have thrown away because of the CSA.

Talking myself out of positive things in my life - feeling like I'm not worth it to have good things happen in my life, like pushing away family and friends and backing out of relationships that in reality are most likely promising.

Lack of confidence - backing out of opportunities and telling myself I'm not good enough. Tied into the previous point.

Feeling empty inside - Just feeling like I have no drive or no motivation to do anything, like that the world would just get on better if I just stayed in bed today.

Constantly feeling tired - Anger and sadness over lost opportunities and fear that I'm going to fail at anything I attempt keep me up at night and screw with my sleep pattern. Plus having little to no energy just keeps me feeling fatigued all day.

Feeling numb/weighed down by emotions - Either feeling numb or just feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Sometimes it can be positive, like crying and whatnot listening to music or watching a movie, but it's often being overwhelmed by negative emotions, which triggers my anxiety.

Boredom - Tied to feeling empty/numb, just not really sure what to do and not feeling like doing anything really.

Overactive appetite - Tied to boredom and the overwhelming emotions, I tend to reach out to food to help cope with it all or have something to do.

Loss of interest in things I used to/should enjoy - Just some days, maybe even just part of a day I can have no interest in things that I have huge passion for.

Guilt - Tied to self hatred, just letting that negative voice in my head make me feel guilty for the letting the abuse happen to me and all of the failures and "failures" in my life and taking on accountability for anything I can to further that sense of guilt.

Fear - Maybe this is more tied to my anxiety and paranoia, but I often feel afraid when I'm depressed and, like most other things I've listed, is tied to other feelings.

Isolation - I often push away those that are closest and even don't want to interact with a single person.

No hope - Just a sense that the future feels so small and feels like it belongs to others. Feeling like things can't change for me and that I'll always be this alone and sad. Almost like feeling like I'm sitting on a cloud looking down at the world getting on with life with no way for me to get off that cloud to join them, hopelessly watching and hopelessly invisible.

I want to share a quick feeling I had over the New Years that relates to this: I was invited by my parents to spend a quiet New Years Eve with them as I had no other plans. Throughout the day, I kept going through this wave of downs and neutrality; going from telling myself I'm worthless and a loser and that I shouldn't burden my parents with my negativity and that I deserve to be alone to being able to tell myself that those negative feelings are a load of crap and that isolating myself and allowing myself to give in to those feelings would only do me harm. In the end I ended up making the right choice for me and spent New Years at my parents. It was a really hard struggle, lots of tears shed and many hours spent making what should've been a simple decision, but I feel like it was a good step in the right direction. It's a small victory for moving forward, and by no means have I escaped my depression, but I am one step closer to being me again.

Sometimes the smallest steps we take can end up being the biggest in the long run. Its an ongoing battle for sure.

 

[LinEar]

SilentNoLonger -- I can relate to your New Years story, in a similar situation. That is a great step for you! The struggle over such a decision is real, and you worked through it and stuck with it.

Also wanted to recognize this -- "Sometimes it can be positive, like crying." Yes! I think it's another sign of recovery when we try not to look at emotions as "negative" but see a release, like crying, as honoring ourselves and a good thing. Because it is.

I know the remainder of what you mentioned is real, and so hard...but also the pieces I listed above were helpful to me. Thanks.