What do I do?

[Enchantedlady]

I have some questions and it might be a trigger for some of the guys.

What do I do when my husband is saying that he has the thoughts and urges of wanting anal sex? Do I try to help him out? Will it make the thoughts and urges stronger and more frequent?

I know he's had a huge urge to go online and chat. He says when he talks to another man about the fantasy to be with a man it helps him to get it out of his system. I tried to give him a few different suggestions, one being talk to me about it and another making a journal.

He says these urges come and go and sometimes it's a thought and leaves with no strong desires but at other times (like now) the urge is strong and he keeps thinking about it, is there anything I can do to help him? The urges are 2 different things chatting and sexual acts

We have two computers and I went downstairs and we were chatting (while I did laundry)I asked him to tell me what he was feeling and wanting. So he did, I know he wanted me to act like I was a guy and pretty much do like a cyber thing but I told him I won't do that. When I came upstairs, he gave me a big hug and told me he felt so much better and that he is so happy that I am here for him, he doesn't know what he would do without me.

 

[Lloydy]

My feeling is to resist.

I know many couples do experiment and have very imaginitive sex lives, but it should be a mutual 'want' - not something that's a probable hangover from his abuse. Possibly by acting out the fantasy it would trigger him badly, or result in a large dose of guilt and shame that would be almost impossible to overcome.

My fantasy was to give BJ's, which I did. Obviously it's something my wife and I can't re-create as a fantasy so I went cruising.
The guilt and shame from that still affect me deeply, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if I persuaded someone I love to act out my dysfunctional fantasies.
I could have tried asking / persuading someone I knew, a friend, but that never crossed my mind.
It would have almost certainly resulted in rejection anyway, and the end of any friendship.
At least with strangers I didn't have that baggage.

Dave