I did. Nobody answered. I called six or seven places, nobody had any referrals or anything. I feel better now, but no thanks to anybody else. Where the hell is everybody? Are good people really so rare they are in hiding?
I saw a guy yesterday who saw me and said, "Cheer up man, things could be worse. I just got out of prison." Irony and fate are always laughing at me i feel. Destiny and Karma need a tune up or something. I guess if i had a motto it would be "die trying".
Man, that just sucked. I called up 6 or 7 places, had to tell each in turn i was an incest survivor, and then had to listen to each one say, we cant help you.
My therapist wants to see me twice a week. She says she wont charge me for the second visit. I honestly feel like giving up on people soemtimes, the good ones are harder to watch than the bad ones, because they have to take all the crap. If i ever find my way up to something better, im never going to forget what its like being at rock bottom.
I guess that has always been my dream, to transcend my life as a victom and help everybody else i could out of the mire of thier lives. Almost everybody is trapped in a life they dont want. Nobody says they want to grow up to be an advertising executive. Nobody wants to grow up to pump gas. But i really dont think things have to be like that.
I have a plan, and i am sticking to it, but it is hard to have faith in it. I am taking every step i can, no matter how small. Dont i have a chance? I mean, i am fighting so hard, all i ever want to hear is hang in there every once and a while, dont give up.
Sometimes to cheer myself up, i imagine atlas living in a cheap apartment, trying to do the normal everyday things everybody does with the weight of the world on his back. Like going to store to pick up some milk, or going to a coin op laundry mat.
Lately when i hear that voice in my head telling me im a failure, i just think "FUCK OFF! I got things to do now, i dont need this right now." For me, i KNOW i will get through times like this, but i dont believe it. I rant sometimes just to get it out, but this still isnt as bad as when i was putting furniture in front of my door when i was sleeping at my moms house. The difference is now i have given up the illusion that i really had any help surviving depression, in fact i only had adversity. Realising that i did that on my own without any help is in a way harder than just making it through, it is hard for me to acknowledge my strength. Without something to push against, i have to face depression with kindness and love, and i guess those things really scare me.
