what do i do with this,,,,

[markgreyblue]

I had a busy week - and a couple things came up for me -

I am real concerned about two of them -

I get very reactionary sometimes -
and it is a quality I know I have - but try to be in denial of it mostly - It happens when I get close to people - really close -
and then -
been treated bad so much -
that I react to the slightest hint that there is foul play - or something ominous
or impending hurt -

it really is not so good -

old tapes i think -

sorry

anyway - also
i had a lot of stress lately this week - looking for work - and I saw Mike C.- but mostly alone -

and no one to be with - ongoing -

I saw a neighbor - business contacts too -

but

here is the thing - I met a young waiter tonight

and he was not waiting on me -
but we talked and we exchanged contact info-

but then - i went home and the need to,
have to, want to, things come into my brain -

and all the stress - mental - of things -
kept building up -

lying in bed - not a lot of physical contact latey -

really was something that was lacking there
and I was needing -

I ended up going out -
and yes it was a need
but I like really just wanted to be chatting with the young waiter -
wishing our possible relationship
could fast forward the few dates
to the point of us knowing each other -
and hanging out and kissing

but i did not have this -
and i had an itch - so to speak -
that i needed to scratch - just so much stress - mind would pop -
just a real lack of body sense
and mental stress -
and such silliness to get that itch scratched - so dumb - such a turn off -
though i was not disengenuous with myself
or anyone -

anyway - here i am - end of the night -

feel like just sleeping now - and got to get home and hug my stuffed moose
with the Canadian Maple Leaf mini suede vest!

ugg - hehe - ok -

take it easy -

M

 

[Curtis St. John]

been treated bad so much -
that I react to the slightest hint that there is foul play - or something ominous
or impending hurt -

I felt the same way... However, I found when I took a step back, I could see that I wasn't experiencing foul play... but life.

Let me give you an example.

I have a Patagonian Conure, hes a bird about eighteen inches long with a big beak thats made to open nuts but he also likes to use it on people (mostly me). For years I would get upset when he bites, I mean really take it personally End up crying the whole I love this bird and he goes out of his way to bite me thing.

Lately Ive noticed when he bites, its usually right before he climbs on my hand To get his footing steady! As I healed, I began not to take the biting personally, which now seems really silly, but back then, I was sure that bird was out to get me! And believe it or not, the bites didnt hurt as much!

He likes to go under the couch, its like a cave to him, but getting him out from under the there? Forget it! I would never have stuck my hand under there, he comes at you with this yell and a chomp! But as the bites didnt hurt anymore, I found it easier to just reach in and grab him rather then coax him out. Oh he would still bite! But when I just learned to let him, I found he would bite at first then just hold my finger gently as if he was looking for a friend.

I guess what Im saying is when you see life is just life and not out to get you then maybe life can be your friend.

 

[markgreyblue]

thanks Curtis - this is really a new idea i want to get - to
thanks for telling me -

Mark