What do I do now?

[Iantt]

My partner is a survior here and it gets so complicated. What do I say, what do I ask that won't hurt him.

It's been rocky the last couple of months. We have always told each other the truth and now I feel he is hiding things from me. I am trying to understand. But it's difficult.

Anyway, this is all new to me. And he is just starting to even really acknowledge it.

I don't even know what I am really saying here. Just hope we both find some answers here.

Thank you for reading this.

Ian

 

[SAR]

Hi Ian,

Welcome to MS.

I don't know how much you've had a chance to look at the articles and links on the site, but there is a lot of information about the way secrecy binds abuse survivors.

My boyfriend has told me that more than a year after disclosing to me, there are still days that he is afraid and overwhelmed because someone else knows the secret that was "just his" for so long.

It is hard to give yourself fully to someone else, to share every bit of yourself with them, and then find out they have kept something from you all that time. But you have to believe, it is not about you, your trustworthiness, the strength of your bond. In fact it is a testament to these things that he has told you now, and that you are by his side.

There is not much you need to say, just keep being the loving person you were, the person it was safe to tell. Let him know you will listen, and support him. Let him know you believe him, that it was not his fault, and that you do not see him differently now that you know.

It is natural for you to have strong feelings of your own, they are all normal and okay but you are right to be cautious about hurting him. You should have support of your own... that is why I like this forum so much

SAR

 

[Iantt]

Sar,

Thank you. He is pretty upset tonight. Thinking that coming here was a mistake. I won't go into why. I know I am the only person that he has "told" some of the history.

I want him to have someone else to talk to besides me. And I need to have someone help me to understand what he is going through and how I can help him. I love him with all my heart, but tonight he is pushing me away. Sometimes he says things that tear me apart.

14 years. And now he is questioning his worth to me. Please help me to understand! Please. I know our being gay may put some people off, but I love him the same way you love your husband or boyfriend. I want to help.

Thank you,

Ian

 

[Muldoon]

Ian It is super hard for us to talk to any one about this. I keep it from my wife for over 20 years before telling her in May 2002.

Depending upon at what age and how long the abuse lasted it could have lots of different effects on him. It is common for us to have many feelings of low self worth.

Just love him and try to understand.

There is great healing power here and things do get better. Tom

 

[Michael]

Michael's wife here. Is he getting help from a counselor? Michael's counselor told us both that there would be hills and valleys in "our" healing process. I have just been amazed at the way my mind has been processing this mess since I found out just a few months ago. Your partner is probably going through his own processing of these issues.
What I found out about myself is that I couldn't process all the info at once so my mind lets me work on one or two issues at a time. Thank God for that ability. Just when I think that I'm doing pretty darn well at this and that I've accepted all that has been put out there, then my mind brings up another issue that I had suppressed back for the right time.
I've asked my husband to be patient with me just as I have to be patient with him. This really is a roller coaster. He probably feels so unworthy that he needs to question just to hear reassurance from you. Just be patient and give that reassurance.