What confuses you?Maybe TTT

[reality2k4]

I remember when I was a kid, I made a new friend from school, same class as me, he kept asking me back to see his folks, I resisted so many times. One day I said OK let's go.

I was so wary of doing this, he lived in an apartment, maybe I was thinking he must have lived in a house, but I got there, his mom was great, she really made me feel at home giving me some cookies and a drink, I remember playing with his toys on the floor, we had a great time, hey I found a new friend.

After about an hour passing, his father walked in, he looked at me with a look that said to me, what are you doing here!

I virtually ran away, maybe I was triggered at his appearance, maybe he didn't mean so much, it may have been just his way, but to me it meant so much, I just virtually got out of the situation, I thought? OK I get out of your face, I don't know why? Maybe I am not the right kid to be around your kid, I got out so quick.

I went home sobbing just like little kids do, not knowing whether it was me or him at fault, the kind of situation you never want to find yourself in.

At school my friend still wanted to know me, we became good friends, he asked me to go back to his home, he said his dad was not so bad, and maybe he treated me so bad, it took a lot of persuasion, but I went back, and he was a really good guy.

What I am trying to say here, is it not that we perceive life totally different than others we come into contact with? Our survival instincts even at so young, can cause so much trouble.

I remember thinking, hey, it's all my fault, something you see in me is not quite right, and you don't like it, yes. I am odd, I am not the kid your kid should not mix with, but hey, do you really know what's going on?

I look on the distrust of the past, the distrust is not mine to own, it was thrust upon me without any regard to what I would have to suffer, I was given another set of rules to live life, not the set of rules I could have got from living a normal life, but a set of rules, borne out of my existance and experiences, it somehow makes me strong, it someways makes me weak, as I can sometimes never strike the balance.

I fight this thing like wrestling with a wild animal, I will get there, I am determined for it not to take my mind. No, I am not normal, but I am certainly not bad, just a good man living in a World of uncertainty.

That is how I lived life throughout my childhood, what a f**king mess.

I am determined to get there

ste

 

[Bill_1965]

ste,

Trust is something that builds, but don't be afraid to try it. Baby steps.

You have the determination - You will make it. The only thing that can stop you is you yourself and it doesn't sound like you are willing to let that happen. Keep your eye on the ball and take care of yourself.

Bill

 

[daniel_]

Originally posted by reality2k4:


What I am trying to say here, is it not that we perceive life totally different than others we come into contact with? Our survival instincts even at so young, can cause so much trouble.

ste

Yes. I am trying to sort through all of that now. It is sometimes hard to distinguish between what are real or valid reactions to things in life as an adult, and what are unhealthy and false interpretations through the eyes of an abused child. I have come to realize just how much those false interpretations have clouded my life, self perception, and relationships. I guess that is a good start. Before I wasn't even aware that was happening.