What about you, he asks? TRIGGERS

What about you, he asks? TRIGGERS
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Enchantedlady

Registrant
Yesterday my husband and I went to the book store and we purchased The Sexual Healing Journey. I started reading it in the car and a little at home. I told H sorry I was hogging his book, so he starts reading it and I ended up going to bed and he was up for about an hour or so. This morning I asked him how did he like the book and if he could relate to anything? He says to me, what about you? HUH? what do you me? All he said was your cousin's husband. Oh my gosh but that wasn't all
when I was 5 there was an older man that was asking for directions somewhere and then he told me to look here, he points down and he had himself exposed. 6yrs old my friend's brother had me lay on his bad arms and legs out, I know he never touched me I don't know why, maybe his mom was coming into the room? I did tell my mom and she had a talk with the mom, he never tried again
when I was 12 or 13 my cousin's husband was flirting with me and then one time brought me in their room and had me bent over the bend and told me not to worry he wouldn't take my virginity so he entered me anally, I didn't like it, it hurt I never told anyone but my best friend. I was scared they would think it was my fault. I remember one other time he was trying to do it again to me and I punched him in the head and told him to leave me alone, he told me he thought I liked it NO I DON'T I said. I know I liked the feeling of him being attracted to me. Was this abuse?

I have to talk with my husband because I never told him that my cousin's husband entered me. I just told him he tried. In fact I forgot about it until he mentioned it today and i feel like a heel I need to tell him. In fact the tears just started streaming and they don't see to want to stop :(
 
Hi EnchantedLady

I don't think it is uncommon that supporting a survivor triggers our own bad experiences. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now.

Both you and your husband are using a lot of energy on healing and your marriage, sometimes not having that energy in reserve makes the difference between a mildly triggering bad memory or heavy discussion, and a full-blown panic attack. It sounds silly when people on this board tell you to get your sleep or take your vitamins or whatever, but it's not. You need strength for this.

I would say that what happened with your cousin's husband is abuse. I don't think you need to feel guilty for not having shared this with your husband before.

For my boyfriend I think it is sort of a mixed blessing that I know where he's coming from and can understand much of what he's talking about regarding his family and his past. He is grateful and feels closer to me because he knows that I will "get it" when he says things that sound silly from a "normal" point of view, but he is so sorry and angry that I have been hurt at all, I think he is a bit guilty about feeling grateful.
 
I think you should read some posts about the wobble, the double wobble, and similar things. It sounds like the two of you will be triggering each other with this. If you aren't careful, you may bounce off of each other like pinballs when multiball starts.
 
Hello Enchantedlady,

I haven't been consistently around in quite awhile, but I still visit and post from time to time.

The incident of the man exposing himself to you when you were five or six and the incident with your cousin's husband were incidents of sexual abuse. The other incident you described is borderline because it was interrupted before it really began.

It's very common for people to bury the details of their abuse. There is absolutely no need for you to feel "like a heel" for not disclosing to your husband. The book that you and he are reading caused you to recall more details about what happened with your cousin's husband. You didn't deliberately hide it from him. Even if you had always remembered the details of your abuse, it is your right to decide whether you will tell anyone or not. You needn't feel guilty or ashamed of not telling your husband about something you didn't remember, and you needn't feel guilty or ashamed if you decide not to tell him now that you have remembered.

You and your husband need to be kind to each other and to yourselves. You have started on a journey that sometimes triggers memories. You and he will need each other's support. It also helps to feel a sense of charity for your husband and for yourself. Take care.
 
Mike,

I don't think my husband triggered me, I think when he brought it to my attention what happened with my cousin's husband was abuse. I never thought about it like that. It was the admitting that got to me. I now know what affects this has had on me and I'm doing good. I'll have to work on my trust issues and I know our counselor will help me with that. I'll see her tomorrow.

I read the Wobble post and in a way I can see it with my H. He's not one for anger but maybe the deeper we get into therapy the more emotions he'll have come out.
 
The wobble occurs with any and all emotions, not just anger.
 
He doesn't show much emotion. He doesn't even remember much about his childhood and he HATES to even think about his teen years :(

I'm sure I'll recongnize now when he does wobble. Heck for that matter I think I wobble myself
 
'lady
I spent my first 25 years of marriage not showing emotions. It barely survived.

5 years on we're still married, and I can sometimes 'do emotions' - but they're still a bit strange and alien to me.

I've learned that emotions don't actually hurt me, in fact they're a great way of communicating with people I love and trust.

When I do show emotion, my wife smiles at me. And that's always good.

Dave ;)
 
It is a terrible catch 22. Until my boyfriend began expressing his emotions, I never knew how scary, confusing and difficult it was for him to access or talk about them at all-- how even "small doses" of good/neutral emotions just left him entirely at a loss.

Why didn't I know about this? He never told me how he felt.... :( :rolleyes:

Since he's starting sharing how he feels, it's amazing-- he tells me about a few hours of his morning and he's all worn out and needs to take a rain check on the conversation, as if we've been talking about deep psychological issues instead of grocery shopping. This really is new and tricky for him.

Sar
 
SAR

Why didn't I know about this? He never told me how he felt....
Click to expand...
How could we 'tell' - that would lead to 'emotions'

Dave
 
Ummmmm, even when it should be obvious, we aren't even sure of how we feel lots of times. That's part of the confusion.
 
That's alot like what my husband is like. However, he truly is coming along way with much more to go.
 
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