What about this for guilt

[reality2k4]

I had repressed memories of abuse, but it did happen, that I know.
The trouble with my memories is this.ybuse, back in the 60's.

My brother got this information, and although his abuse was reported, mine was not.
The reasons for this can be seen all too clearly.

My father dragged us down to the police station within and hour or so of the abuse.
I had been raped at knifepoint, and could not open up to a male cop.

I was completely hysterical, but I dont know if my father was ever asked to bring me back when I was calmer.

My brother has no recollection of the abuse, other than it happened, but I took it rather than letting him suffer, so the abuser used him as a tool to get to me.

I must have gone through Hell, not telling them who did it, but I was only a little kid then.
I was in a situation where I did not tell, against an avenue of continual fear, as he said he knew where I lived, and would kill my family.

I guess it turned me around, because it made me seek real love, but the hurt was tremendous.
He almost killed me, and left me thinking that I had a disease that would kill me.

I just guess this is what caused me so much damage in my early years.
He never got caught.

I just linger on thoughts that somehow I wasnt strong enough to live back then, but I got here, and I still have those nagging feelings of not being complete,

ste

 

[deck]

Hey ste,

I understand what you're saying in that last sentence:

"I just linger on thoughts that somehow I wasnt strong enough to live back then, but I got here, and I still have those nagging feelings of not being complete"

I try to tell myself that survival, in of itself, demonistrates a certain level of strength. Before one can do anything, one must survive it. The being incomplete is tough for me too. Most days I feel like I will never be whole.

I guess once you survive and are safe, you try to heal. And the only way to heal is to address the injury. It would seem sometimes the longer the injury has been neglected, the longer it takes to heal. I don't know if Im making any sense.

take care
deck