What a lie to tell

What a lie to tell
T

TRACYUK

Registrant
I'm surprised how much this has upset me but my partner has very recently told me that he remembers the man who abused him telling him he loved him. He loved him!!??*!?*!?*

We have a very good working understanding that if there is anything that triggers him, D will tell me and I wont do it. He hasn't said that me telling him I love him triggers him but I feel very strongly that he was raising this to just hear how it sounded, get it out in the open.

I feel as if he just doesn't want it to be true that hearing the words "I love you" trigger all those dreadful feelings. I think he feels as if he says it out loud it will make it true and it is this reason only, that holds him back.

I'm so upset by this. I could be and hope I'm wrong but experience is telling me he is triggered by this and will tell me when he's ready.

Any words of wisdom very gratefully received. If my fear materializes and I need to start finding other ways to tell him how I feel about him....what do I say. What does a male survivor need to hear in order to know he is loved without hearing those words??

I really feel I might need some help with this one. It feels so sort of fundamental.

Tracy
 
Tracy,

It's a great sign that D was able to tell you about this trigger. It shows a great amount of trust in you.

Have you talked with him about how he feels when you say you love him? I think it's entirely appropriate to broach the subject. He may not be triggered at all by your saying it.

If he is triggered by your saying "I love you," ask him if he wants you to stop, what he would like to hear if you do stop, etc...Sometimes the triggers come and rather than avoiding them, letting them happen without trauma is a way to heal.

If he's triggered, there's something in his psyche telling him that you remind him of his perp, so reminding him that you are NOT his perp is important too.

Just some ideas. Thanks for caring so much.
 
Tracy,

Wow. That is really, really hard.

Does he react oddly when you tell him you love him? I know that many times when I say it to my b/f he gets a sad, disbelieving look on his face. That makes me sad, but I recognize it's something that's hard for him to hear and truly understand. I actually don't say it as often as I'd like simply because I know it upsets him and since I don't want to upset either one of us, I hold back.

You may find that D understands that you saying I love you, while it may still scare him, is different in every possible way from when the perp said it. I hope this is the case, for your sake more than anything. Most of us don't say I Love You very easily to someone who is not our family and the fact that you say it to D, and mean it, means alot to you.

You have to trust your instinct. You said your experience tells you he is triggered by it. Look carefully to see if he gives off any signs through his body language that would either prove or disprove your feeling. Then, talk to him at the right time.

If those words trigger him then I'm sure the two of you can find your own words or a look or even sign language to express your feelings for one another. The words aren't the important part, the meaning of them is.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Hi Tracy

I am not sure whether this might be your boyfriend's case but many survivors who have been tricked with "love" sooner or later will have to deal with their perceptions of love, abuse and sex.

In my modest opinion I don't think that our loved ones are only triggered by us saying that we love them if they have an issue with love, sex, intimacy. I think other gestures of love and affection can be triggering as well. I believe the challenge here is to break wrong associations established early in life.

Triggers are definitely associations of thoughts and feelings that come from previous experiences. I guess that if our boyfriends accept that love has nothing to do with abuse, that it was a trick and a BIG lie then they might be able to start changing the way they understand love. And in turn they will be closer and closer to enjoy love as its purest.I am not saying it is easy but with time it will happen.

I realized that once my boyfriend stopped feeling sorry for his perp as he finally accepted the whole lie in full then he started changing his perceptions about a lot of things, love and sex mainly.

XXX
H
 
Thanks people,

I feel more pissed off now than upset. That ba***rd wil not stop me communicating my love for him. As ever you've all given really sound advise here and it feels good to not feel alone.

We are intelligent, resourceful people who will find a way to get round this if it is what I fear.

authentic me,

Thanks for seing something positive in this. It also rings true what you say about me reminding him of the abuser. He's a bit funny about me smiling at him, sees "a smiling assassin" sometimes.

I don't really tell him that I'm not the abuser but I might try that. We both get comfort from hearing out loud what is real.

Thanks Trish and H
I hope you two are coping OK just now. I've had a bit of a reminder of how hard this is sometimes and I just wnat you both to know I'm thinking of you also.

Lots of love

Tracy
 
WARNING - MAY TRIGGER

Tracy,

I am a female survivor, so I am not sure if it is appropriate for me to write this on this forum, which is dedicated to male survivors. Sorry if I am wrong.

But if it can be helpful to you, I too was told by my abuser that he loved me... Now I get *estremely* angry anytime somebody tells me he loves me - being it in the meaning of affection, friendship, or romantic love. My first reaction is to disbelieve, to deny, to reject that word - so unfortunately also the person who tells it - and to feel in a moment overwhelmed by all the confusing feelings I lived as a kid. To overcome my attitude, one has to show me with behaviours his affection for me. Nothing special, even only listening to me or doing something I like together.

You know, once a friend of mine told me that "it's more important what one does than what one tells". It's so true. It has helped me in a reality check towards my abuser. I hope it can help you and your bf too.

Take care,
Abby
 
Tracy,

Abusers tell a boy all kinds of crap in the process of grooming him and stringing things along for as long as possible, so yes, I can imagine that this would be a huge trigger for your bf. It might be a kind of slogan of betrayal for him.

This one is Catch 22 in spades. If you tell him you love him he might be triggered; if you don't he will notice and might feel rejected or unwanted.

I like Authentic Me's idea of asking him how he feels about this, but watch out; he might say what he thinks you want to hear, or he might be afraid to express his feelings about this. However you deal with this, he absolutely needs to know he is still loved and cherished. A survivor dealing with all this crap will often be suffering from huge self-esteem issues and will need all the affirmation of his worth that he can get.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Tracy,

How does your boyfriend show love to you? What does he do to let you know you are loved?

He might feel more comfortable accepting your love after seeing his own love consciously accepted-- by which I mean, many times survivors don't think they have a choice-- that someone's love is an offer they can't refuse. Let him know that you believe in and accept his love for you. This might be a way into a more comfortable kind of sharing for him.

All the best
SAR
 
maybe saying you need him ,instead ,would serve the same purpose ,but he should understand that you are just telling him how you feel .it is normal to do that and he shouldn't hold it against you ,my abuser also told me he loved me among other things as he beat me unconcious so for me love equals pain ,it's crazy what they can do to your mind .hearing the phrase i love you don't trigger me if the person saying it feels safe to me and that equals nobody ,but stupid things like kissing ,trigger me big ,he would hold my head and crush his mouth down over mine his weight crushing me couldn't breath ,now if i kiss a girl it feels like i'm suffocating ,or i smell his rotten breath ,abuse does crazy things.
 
maybe saying you need him ,instead ,would serve the same purpose ,but he should understand that you are just telling him how you feel .it is normal to do that and he shouldn't hold it against you ,my abuser also told me he loved me among other things as he beat me unconcious so for me love equals pain ,it's crazy what they can do to your mind .hearing the phrase i love you don't trigger me if the person saying it feels safe to me and that equals nobody ,but stupid things like kissing ,trigger me big ,he would hold my head and crush his mouth down over mine his weight crushing me couldn't breath ,now if i kiss a girl it feels like i'm suffocating ,or i smell his rotten breath ,abuse does crazy things.
 
Tracy
somewhere on the Male Survivor forum is a list of lies, it's a very very long list as well.

Dave :mad:
 
Thanks to everyone who responded to this.

I think one of the reasons its upset me so much is that when all else fails, ie; keeping homelife calm, listening, smiling, holding him, telling the truth about the man I really see and not the one he thinks he is.. when all this fails, and sometimes it does, and this beautiful warm and intelligent man retreats into himself, I simply tell him I love him.

I recognise that this is more about me and one of MY coping mechanisms at risk.

Whilst its left me feeling a bit defeated its good to realise that if this is the case actually those three words won't be any loss to him.

On a humerous side he's been trying, without any remote success, to get me to tell him "You are my lord and master" for years. I might even indulge him just once or twice. :-) :-)

I've found something in each of the above posts, too much to quote, but thanks again for the support.

Love

Tracy
 
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