*Triggers Possible* Were you ever shown your own videos?

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*Triggers Possible* Were you ever shown your own videos?
axlr

axlr

Registrant
Lately I've been grappling with memories where my perpetrator would sometimes show me the videos he recorded of me being raped. We would do our own little 'movie nights', he'd call them, where I'd basically masturbate him as we watched something on the TV and at least one time the videos he played on the TV were mine. I remember being in awe of and even aroused by watching what was happening to me, even though it wasn't consensual and I hated it when it was happening.

I noted the way he angled his shots so as to emphasize the client's... you know, coming in and out of me and feeling the awe of 'woah, I took that thing?' and getting a sense of pride from it as I realized the extent of my work, which I already made a thread about. But in general I think watching it especially at that age ended up doing more damage to me in an unexpected way. It didn't retrigger flashbacks but rather encouraged an entirely new processing of events which made me in a sense fetishize and become pleased by what had happened, creating a new set of memories on top of the actual traumatic ones and just adding more work for me to deal with now as an adult, and I think it might have been easier if I had never seen them at least at that age.

Anyways, was anyone else here shown the CP recorded of them by their perpetrators and how did you feel watching it? I know it's a fucked up question but I'm just curious if anyone's struggling with similar issues like I am.
 
Yeah we frequently watched the videos. I don't know if it screwed me up more. I just equated it to other people watching home videos of birthday parties and shit. These were just videos of my life at that time. There's memories attached to it.

On the flip side, they were also used as a learning tool. By watching them I was able to see what filmed better and could adjust my performance accordingly.
 
@axir & @TheNewMason Fortunately for me there were no videos only 8mm film back in my day. There were many still photographs that I was shown at the time which certainly did not have the impact of what both of you went through. I was usually wearing a mask covering my eyes and nose, so as not to be recognized I guess. So totally different experience, I am so sorry that you were exposed to repetitive and damaging live action scenes like that. I can certainly understand the conflicting feelings between it not being consensual but also arousing, instructive, and adding a whole new dimension to process today. I feel I would have had a similar reaction back in my day dislike for it being non-consensual, arousal, and I would also use it to better my performance. I salute you both, be kind, and I wish you Peace!
 
TheNewMason said:
Yeah we frequently watched the videos. I don't know if it screwed me up more. I just equated it to other people watching home videos of birthday parties and shit. These were just videos of my life at that time. There's memories attached to it.

On the flip side, they were also used as a learning tool. By watching them I was able to see what filmed better and could adjust my performance accordingly.
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Memories, that's an interesting word to use. I think a reason I might have reacted differently is because I was so young? Guessing here but watching my CP was basically the first time I had seen anything explicitly pornographic, so that was my introduction to porn and I think that might have messed me up more than anything, having to combine the thoughts and feelings a child has stumbling across porn for the first time with the reality of 'that's me on the screen'. I was generally zonked out during what was happening, whether nervous or drugged or just kind of out of it and it didn't really set in what I had been doing until I saw the recording. As for them as a learning tool, I don't really know. I guess it was a learning tool for basic sex ed, maybe even a grooming tool as well, but otherwise I was largely too young to note those kinds of things while watching and would just respond to instructions or positioning being done by the adults as it was happening, I was busy with trying to process the concept of pornography lol.

I might've had a more similar reaction if I'd seen it when I was older but I was just in a different position at the time I guess.

dreamgurl said:
@axir & @TheNewMason Fortunately for me there were no videos only 8mm film back in my day. There were many still photographs that I was shown at the time which certainly did not have the impact of what both of you went through. I was usually wearing a mask covering my eyes and nose, so as not to be recognized I guess. So totally different experience, I am so sorry that you were exposed to repetitive and damaging live action scenes like that. I can certainly understand the conflicting feelings between it not being consensual but also arousing, instructive, and adding a whole new dimension to process today. I feel I would have had a similar reaction back in my day dislike for it being non-consensual, arousal, and I would also use it to better my performance. I salute you both, be kind, and I wish you Peace!
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Don't discount your own experiences. You were still abused and you still had to see photographs of it, that's still pretty rough. No fortune when a child is still being exploited at the end of the day.

As for the masks, it's interesting you mention that. I never wore a mask but all of the adults wore them all the time, even if there was no camcorder for them to have to worry about. I think the clients didn't want to risk being recognized, or perhaps they just felt safer wearing them. Nothing elaborate though, just ski masks. They might have liked the dirtier feel the masks added too now that I think about it, especially in some of the earlier films and encounters that were more sadism-focused, finding some kind of gratification in the feeling of being a masked intruder or what not.
 
I wouldn't discount my own experiences, it's just that for me it was 1953 that it all started. Whole new technology today, the internet, cell phones, and Starbucks were non existent. I lived out in the country East of LA my family's phone was a "party line" we shared with other families. What I really think about is it's been 72 years since my abuse started and the only change is technology has made it easier to find and abuse children. My oldest grandchild is 27 and the youngest is 13, four boys and six girls. I have been fortunate and obsessively observant regarding their safety but I fear for the future of societies children! Be kind and I wish you Peace!
 
dreamgurl said:
Fortunately for me there were no videos only 8mm film back in my day. There were many still photographs that I was shown at the time...
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Yes, 8mm camera... I still can hear the sound of it in my head. Like you, I never saw that, but I did see Polaroids of the things I'd been doing.
 
dreamgurl said:
I wouldn't discount my own experiences, it's just that for me it was 1953 that it all started. Whole new technology today, the internet, cell phones, and Starbucks were non existent. I lived out in the country East of LA my family's phone was a "party line" we shared with other families. What I really think about is it's been 72 years since my abuse started and the only change is technology has made it easier to find and abuse children. My oldest grandchild is 27 and the youngest is 13, four boys and six girls. I have been fortunate and obsessively observant regarding their safety but I fear for the future of societies children! Be kind and I wish you Peace!
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I understand, thanks for elaborating. Technology is risky these days, but I've found that the old world was just as dangerous. It never really gets more or less dangerous, the hazards just find different ways to come about I think. There are some things from back then that people would never do now, just as there are things we do now that would be preposterous so many years ago.

Silly said:
Yes, 8mm camera... I still can hear the sound of it in my head. Like you, I never saw that, but I did see Polaroids of the things I'd been doing.
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I remember the flash and beeping of my neighbor's camcorder, and the tripod stands he'd set up, and the noises it made when he'd flip open the screen. Those damn cameras. I'm sorry you had to see the Polaroids. I know that couldn't have been easy.
 
As far as I remember, I don't think I ever saw them directly or not in full. I know that there were notes taken and corrections given, but I don't know if those were facilitated via watching them back. But I do know how devastating that would have been, it's possible it occurred a couple times, and I know that it would have been worst when it involved The Others.
 
Yea, she forced us to watch. Then video taped us watching and what she made us do while watching.
 
axlr said:
Guessing here but watching my CP was basically the first time I had seen anything explicitly pornographic, so that was my introduction to porn and I think that might have messed me up more than anything, having to combine the thoughts and feelings a child has stumbling across porn for the first time with the reality of 'that's me on the screen'.
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My experience at 13 was recorded on a big shoulder-mounted camcorder you could fit a whole VHS tape into. He took the time to record and narrate every little detail, expression, and wince. When it was over, he rewound it and played it back in the eye piece to make sure he had gotten everything. I remember he showed me a clip of it, just to let me know how good it turned out. I remember my stomach sinking seeing the clip. It was me from moments before, but it was the first day I'd ever seen video porn before - let alone with me in it. But I'm not sure what messed me up more: Seeing porn of myself or just knowing there was now proof of what I did. It became more real somehow. I was petrified he would show it to my parents. (Which obviously he wouldn't but that's how kids think). All I know is that i was glad I couldn't hear the recording. Although I whimpered and yelped a lot, there was plenty of moaning after a bit and I think that's the part embarrassed me the most. The idea of my parents seeing it and assuming I was into it would have cracked my brain.
 
Thank you all for opening up your souls and sharing what for me had been a deeply embarrassing part of the abuse. I can relate to you all who experienced the additional trauma and shame of being filmed/videoed/photographed. And then shown it to you. And like @axlr expressed, in the format of "movie night". Cringeworthy. And to my added shame, highly arousing at the same time.

From 11 to 14, I was sexually active with my best friend (same age) and his father. As I've shared in my story when I first joined, because of my own very unhappy home life, I sought refuge and comfort with my friend and his "friendly, fun, caring" dad. The sex seemed a very small part to pay, and I enjoyed a lot of it. Not all of it. The dad also had two life-long friends. They all grew up together, being sexual with each other. Continued into adulthood, but they all married and had families of their own. But they still got together regularly for those "guys only" weekend. Tragically, when they had sons of their own, they brought them into their secret traditions. It was during these "guys only weekends" when the Polaroid camera and the Super 8 home movie camera came out, filming them with their sons of various ages. And "lucky me", the outsider who was invited to participate.

We saw the Polaroid photos since they developed in front of us. The first few times was disconcerting, to say the least. I didn't have high esteem or self confidence, so I was self critical of how I looked. After I saw the actual movies being shown in the dad's mobile screen that rolled up with that distinctive sound, I did become proud at how "good" I was sexually, with the men and boys alike. I remember the images more clearly than I do many of the actual sex acts when I was performing them in real-time. They are seared into my memory bank.
Movie time became something that I looked forward to. I was "performing" from 11 to 14. I was able to watch my body and looks change on that home movie screen with new footage shot every few months.

After it all ended after I moved away from that area, I started to become terrified that anyone would see them and recognize me. I would be humiliated by having my secret shame exposed. That "secret shame" I carried with me for years. Replaying those images in my mind. Over and over. Sometimes with sadness. Sometimes with disgust. But more often with shameful, exciting arousal, to be honest.
I realize now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a boy in a very unusual situation, driven into the arms, so to speak, of my friend's dad and his perverted world, because of my own deep unhappiness at home. I understand very well now that CSA has life-long fall-outs of all kinds. My reactions over the years when thinking about the photos and films is all part of it. No longer ashamed, and that is very freeing.

Very happy to have this place to talk about these dark secrets, with other men who have been there, and understand.
 
I'm glad we are discussing this.
I am almost amazed by how many people that abuse me back in the 1970s bait me by showing me the 8 mm and Polaroids of kids. My first experience with my neighbor who watched me and my sister after school had porn magazines laying out for us to see. She was 9 and I was 7. Anyway, he would take Polaroids of us playing with each other and sucking him and mostly pictures of my sister. And like you other guys, he would show them to us. I stole some and hid them for years.
My next main abusers Al and Don had the 8 mm projector that he would play CP and his bedroom wall and we would act some of the scenes out.
Other guys that I was with all had porn at the ready to show me , to bait me and get me going and so many of them took pictures of me.
I guess it all goes hand and hand.
Years later, is that why I like getting and giving dick pics?? Just a thought 🤔
 
my dad used his cam a lot to broadcast me and in turn guys would turn their cams on showing what they were doing. My father did not record much but later discovered that others could record the cam being broadcast.

At 9 we started meeting other men and at times those men would bring their boys with them.
 
Oh yes constantly. Dad would use the film for study, training, and for me to improve by watching and being severely punished for any mistakes. I didn’t think much outside of this and focused on what he screamed at me while going over the film. Eventually he had his best friend come over and film my abuse, and that was the first time he involved others in his brutal sadism. It quickly became 5 or 6 of his buds using and abusing me all night for 3-4 nights every week. He’d order me to come up with new scenes and ideas every few weeks for me to act out and perform and be recorded, and if it wasn’t to their satisfaction, I’d get sadistically punished and beaten to make me learn better. Because of this, the filming in particular became one of my leading causes of fear and distress; and I didn’t think of it any further than pain avoidance in the moment this at that time honestly. Now years since the filming happened I do greatly consider myself lucky they only filmed for the small group’s personal use and their own private desires and it didn’t get out per se. Especially now looking back a lot of times he’d make me beg and plead to be abused by him, and how much I wanted it and what humiliating painful things I’d do just to “let” me pleasure and serve them and “let” them hurt me as if I craved nothing more. I remember very well once at the start of my servitude being made to wear high heels, a mini plaid schoolgirlesque style skirt, and act fully and eagerly feminized for him as he filmed me in various poses, acts, lines to say, and dancing for his enjoyment he told me he’d show this to everyone I know if I didn’t obey him. It honestly confused me a lot in the moment with my mind just not getting it-that this was meant as a threat by him to publicly humiliate me I later realized. It honestly floored me he thought this would phase me at that point in time as my sole focus was on naively trying my best to make him happy/obey him fully and without error attempting to escape even a little bit of his escalating wrath, anger, sadism, and physical pain, brutality, and tortures. I thought he realized how much he had fully broken me and any will or spirit to resist or attempt to escape my new life from the very start. I had long given up any and all hope of change and had basically fully accepted that not only was I his almost literal slave, but that it was all I was good for and meant to be(but not quite there yet had he convinced me that I deserved it too). Sadly this event only further drove it home how totally socially isolated and dependent I was; It made try even harder to please him in everything, and it especially made me sure to vocalize and really lay it on thick and directly obvious that he had nothing to fear about me telling anyone, leaving him, fighting back, or even pushing back on him going much much further with his plans for our future together would def include a compliant, terrified, obedient son.
Sorry for the long winded rant, but it really helped cathartically letting some of my past abuse out. Thanks all! and I genuinely appreciate all the time, help, support, and platform for truth and healing you all provide!
 
jjbjb said:
Oh yes constantly. Dad would use the film for study, training, and for me to improve by watching and being severely punished for any mistakes. I didn’t think much outside of this and focused on what he screamed at me while going over the film. Eventually he had his best friend come over and film my abuse, and that was the first time he involved others in his brutal sadism. It quickly became 5 or 6 of his buds using and abusing me all night for 3-4 nights every week. He’d order me to come up with new scenes and ideas every few weeks for me to act out and perform and be recorded, and if it wasn’t to their satisfaction, I’d get sadistically punished and beaten to make me learn better. Because of this, the filming in particular became one of my leading causes of fear and distress; and I didn’t think of it any further than pain avoidance in the moment this at that time honestly. Now years since the filming happened I do greatly consider myself lucky they only filmed for the small group’s personal use and their own private desires and it didn’t get out per se. Especially now looking back a lot of times he’d make me beg and plead to be abused by him, and how much I wanted it and what humiliating painful things I’d do just to “let” me pleasure and serve them and “let” them hurt me as if I craved nothing more. I remember very well once at the start of my servitude being made to wear high heels, a mini plaid schoolgirlesque style skirt, and act fully and eagerly feminized for him as he filmed me in various poses, acts, lines to say, and dancing for his enjoyment he told me he’d show this to everyone I know if I didn’t obey him. It honestly confused me a lot in the moment with my mind just not getting it-that this was meant as a threat by him to publicly humiliate me I later realized. It honestly floored me he thought this would phase me at that point in time as my sole focus was on naively trying my best to make him happy/obey him fully and without error attempting to escape even a little bit of his escalating wrath, anger, sadism, and physical pain, brutality, and tortures. I thought he realized how much he had fully broken me and any will or spirit to resist or attempt to escape my new life from the very start. I had long given up any and all hope of change and had basically fully accepted that not only was I his almost literal slave, but that it was all I was good for and meant to be(but not quite there yet had he convinced me that I deserved it too). Sadly this event only further drove it home how totally socially isolated and dependent I was; It made try even harder to please him in everything, and it especially made me sure to vocalize and really lay it on thick and directly obvious that he had nothing to fear about me telling anyone, leaving him, fighting back, or even pushing back on him going much much further with his plans for our future together would def include a compliant, terrified, obedient son.
Sorry for the long winded rant, but it really helped cathartically letting some of my past abuse out. Thanks all! and I genuinely appreciate all the time, help, support, and platform for truth and healing you all provide!
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I just read your post. I am a father myself- to so horribly abuse one's son. I know it is no consolation to you, but I am so sorry. I would die for one of my kids. I hope your are getting the help you need to deal with all this evil that you were forced to endure. Please take care.
 
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