Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*

Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan,

Thinking of you as the trial date approaches. Your brothers here will be there to support you when you need it. Keep us posted.

Lots of love,

John
 
Now to another bit:

Stefan012 said:
I have heard some tips here and there about dealing whit panic attacks/flashbacks and I try to use them but often when they happen I forget about all of the stuff I've read up on.
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I had that problem too, and here's an idea that I found helpful. I have several wristbands that I wear: I got them from various charities in the UK and Germany that work to stop child abuse. The coolest one is a purple one for male survivors and says "Silent no more! Live - Laugh - Love." When I was learning exercises to control flashbacks I would hold onto the wristband and review the exercises in my head. Then when I felt a flashback starting I would just hold onto the wristband again - something "present" and real - and that helped me to remember what I should do. Plus I could snap my wrist with the wristband! lol That helped as well.

Stefan012 said:
Vigilance sure sucks it's tiring and the nightmares/ flashbacks/
panic attacks/not enough hours of sleep, do that also already.

When I still lived whit my father they weren't as bad as I have them now, not even close.

Whit the court date coming close, that doesn't help much either.
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This sounds like anxiety about the unknown. You might be wondering what your father can still do to you, whether your foster parents would be able to protect you, and so on. And I think ANY guy here, including ALL of the adults, would tell you he would be freaking out as the day approached when he would tell a court what the abuser did.

It's important to remember that abuse causes a boy huge emotional damage - it isn't just the physical acts. I remember times when I was being abused, I would think to myself, well, at least I don't have to worry about when the next time will be - it's happening how. That is, my dread of when the next time would be was even worse than my fear of the abuse itself. It just goes to show what a terrible thing abuse is and how it can devastate us emotionally.

Much love,
Larry
 
And now the last bit:

Stefan012 said:
Something else I try to ignore, but can't really avoid, is people at school whispering, looking in my direction, pointing even.. I never told them that why I was in the hospital was because of my father, but you can't stop the rumours.
Lots of them know I suddenly don't live whit my father anymore, they can put 1 and 1 together.
And them gossiping about it, though now it's a while ago not as much as in the beginning anymore.
Like some even saying things as 'he's 17, why does he let his father hit him' 'he's old enough to defend himself' 'I don't understand he never stood up to him' etc.
It annoys me and upsets me too, at times. I try to not let them influence me to much but sometimes I can't help it.
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It may be that some people in school have you figured out - who knows. I can't possibly assure you that this can't be true. But people who wonder what's up have a lot of possibilities to choose from: your father drinks, there is just too much drama at home, and so on. In reality, people out there in the world are usually astonished to find that the problem is sexual abuse.

But Stefan, ask any guy here, and he will tell you that when he was 17 he thought the whole WORLD knew! I have often said this, but here it is again: I remember going to school and it felt like I was wearing an "abuse announcement" on my back spelled out in Christmas lights. I HATED gym class because I thought something about me would show what was happening, especially when more or all of my body was showing in front of others. It was so bad it felt like abuse all over again.

That feeling is something we get from shame and guilt, and from our fear that the world is a terrible unsafe place for us. After having been abused, it's possible to imagine ANY bad thing happening to you. But in reality you are safe now. It's okay to have questions, but if you do, just ask them. Either here or with safe adults you have where you live.

Realizing we have the right to ask our questions and feel safe is also an important part of our recovery. No one will expect you to know things automatically or to figure them out by yourself, and until you ask, it will be difficult for others to figure out how they can help you.

Much love,
Larry
 
The dreading of what was about to come was usually much worse then it actually happening.. esp when it came to him beating me up, getting hit i never minded much.
I hated the uncertainty of what was going to happen and when, a lot more then the physicall crap and eventually I learned to just blank out when they would r*pe me. Like i was there but not really.
like you said, at least i dont have to dread it coming, its happening/over now.

stefan
 
Stefan,

Stefan012 said:
I hated the uncertainty of what was going to happen and when, a lot more then the physical crap and eventually I learned to just blank out when they would r*pe me. Like i was there but not really.
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That happens a lot, and it's called "dissociation". What happens is that the boy is so freaked out and terrified that he pretends to leave his body and go somewhere else. That way he can "convince" himself that those things that are happening in the room aren't happening to him. It's like denial in a way, but very real emotionally. My version of it was to look for a picture or something on the wall. I would "go" to that picture and then "go" to a corner in the ceiling and wait there for the abuse in the room below me to end.

The important thing to remember here is that you didn't "let it happen". There was no way you could have been prepared to defend yourself, and the blanking out wasn't a surrender. It was the only tool you had to cope with what was happening.

Much love,
Larry
 
roadrunner said:
It may be that some people in school have you figured out - who knows. I can't possibly assure you that this can't be true. But people who wonder what's up have a lot of possibilities to choose from: your father drinks, there is just too much drama at home, and so on. In reality, people out there in the world are usually astonished to find that the problem is sexual abuse.
Click to expand...

I don't think that people know about the s. abuse, but more like that they've figured out that he has been hitting me while I still lived whit him.
As I said I haven't told them this, but they know I've been away from school for awhile, enough know I've been in the hospital. Many know that after I came back to school I didn't live whit my father anymore.
It's not difficult to conclude that I must have been in the hospital because of my father. And those rumours travel fast.

At times I'm just fed up whit all the gossiping. Thankfully it's becoming less now and I'll just ignore anyone who might suddenly think different of me. Thats their problem.
Most important is that my friends, while shocked to find this out, are still there for me. They are still my friends.

I was afraid at times that they had it all figured out, the s.abuse, the physicall abuse. Esp at gym when they sometimes could see my bruises.
But I know rationally that they can't know about the s.abuse. I don't have a big fear of people finding that out anymore, most of the time anyway.

The wristband might be an idea, I'll think of buying one.

It's hard to ask questions sometimes, it's not something I'm used to do. I do understand that I need to say and ask things for people to understand / know these things. So, I guess, I'm starting to try to do that on here at least.

The spacing out while the abuse happened, helped me to survive them in a way. At least I wouldn't have to feel the physical and emotional pain for a while.
There's no way I could have defended myself against them, they were all to strong for me. So in order to protect myself I just did as I was told.
And I didn't know any better then that this was normal at first, only when I was 10/11 I started to understand that this maybe didn't happen in every house and that it wasn't normal.
I still just accepted it though. I was to afraid of them and of their threaths. I was confused and scared.

When I was older though I felt that I should be able to stand up to him, when he would hit me. Sometimes I could stop him, sometimes I could simply walk away. But sometimes he was still stronger and I hated the power he had over me. Felt like I should be stronger then that.

Now that I don't live whit him anymore I'm 'safe' but it doesn't always feels like that. In a way he still has some power over me.

It helps to be able to rant on here sometimes though. Rather then holding it all in I guess.

Stefan
 
Stefan,

Stefan012 said:
When I was older though I felt that I should be able to stand up to him, when he would hit me. Sometimes I could stop him, sometimes I could simply walk away. But sometimes he was still stronger and I hated the power he had over me. Felt like I should be stronger then that.

Now that I don't live whit him anymore I'm 'safe' but it doesn't always feels like that. In a way he still has some power over me.
Click to expand...

In judging yourself here, what's happening is that you are looking at things rationally and logically, when in fact that's not how this stuff works. Let me give you an example. About 18 months ago I went back to the States and disclosed to my parents, who are in their 80s. It all went well, but a few days later we were sitting around the kitchen table and suddenly I just got overwhelmed. I felt so afraid, and when my Dad asked me what's wrong I said, "I'm afraid it will start all over again and I can't make him stop." I was 56 years old! The abuser died in 1994! What's the sense in what I said? None whatever. But my fear wasn't rational; it was emotional and a survival of the old fear I had as a boy. The fact that I was much older and able to defend myself (against someone who's dead, at least) didn't make the slightest difference.

It was the same in your case. Though you were older and yes, able to defend yourself, the message you were receiving was the message of your childhood - I am powerless and my situation is hopeless. The fact that this happened is NOT your fault; it is so common among abused guys.

When you fear that your father still has some power over you, that's more or less the same thing all over again Stefan. It's the survival of old messages that we haven't been able to escape from yet. If we feel this way, that doesn't mean we are weak or cowardly or whatever, it just means that we went through a terrible experience and emotionally we are still learning how to cope with that.

This isn't our fault. What we learn from this is just how horrific the emotional harm is that an abused boy suffers.

Much love,
Larry
 
I had a ...meeting.. tuesday, whit people from youthcare, police etc about the trial against my father about the physical abuse.
Ended up having a panicattack afterwards...
I'm soooo not looking forward to it... :-/
I'll probably freak out in the middle of the room there.. or something like that.
I'm already scared and nervous.

Stefan
 
Stefan,

Stefan012 said:
I'll probably freak out in the middle of the room there.. or something like that.
I'm already scared and nervous.
Click to expand...

Yes, that is very possible indeed. It isn't easy to go through all this again. Make sure you tell people how you feel so they can be prepared to support you. You are not being weak or cowardly if you ask for what you need.

In fact, what you are doing is incredibly brave. It's natural that you should be nervous. But soon it will be over and you will have taken a very big step.

Much love,
Larry
 
I'll be thinking of you tuesday.

Alexander
 
Stefan,

I spoke with you in the chatroom early this morning. If I dont talk to you again before the trial, please know that I'll be thinking of you and praying for you on Tuesday (Netherlands time too).

I know this is hard for you brother. I know. You are SO brave! I am very impressed by you. Anyone with your courage has a bright future. I know it!

Rob
 
Stefan,

Sending you lots of prayers and good thoughts for tomorrow, my friend. This will be rough, no doubt about it, but you are doing the right thing. Will you have safe people with you in the courtroom? Your foster parents, for example?

Much love,
Larry
 
Stefan,

Know that you will be in my prayers, as well. You are doing the right thing.
 
well at least this part is over now
 
Stefan,

I'm so glad it's over. Are you able to talk about it? If not, just take it easy. I'm sure this was an exhausting experience for you, and I'm so proud of you.

Much love,
Larry
 
yes it was horrible but at least its over now
 
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