Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*

Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Going to go back to school tomorrow, on tuesday.
I'm wondering how many questions will be asked, I've been away quite a while.
But it will be good to go back, also. I've had enough of lying around, not being able to go anywhere. Tv and all that get boring after a while.

Stefan
 
hi stefan....keep your chin up...you are a great young man...you will do well....look to the future...for all of the good...take care.....steve
 
Stefan,

I like what sabata said.... Look to the future... Good advise. Go to University, get an education, and go make a difference to another child someplace who needs a hand up.

I'm so glad you are now seemingly in a safe situation.

Lots of love,

John
 
So.. it's been a while since all of this happened.
I dunno I should feel better maybe cus all of it is over and i'm safe etc etc.
But yeah, I dunno..
I feel somewhat 'on guard' all the time.. It's really draining though. And nightmares increased, a lot.
Those people i live whit are nice thats not the problem.
But it doesnt even matter much, i'm going to have to move every 6-8 weeks anyway, as this is temporary fostercare.
It's not gonna be great moving every so many weeks but ok.
And then there's the subject on going to the police, telling on all of the perps.. well .. enough things to keep my mind occupied anyway.

Stefan
 
Hi Stephen,

I'm new here. I just read your story. I'm SO very sorry you are going through this. I wish I were able to go there and help in person.

I'll be praying for you. I'm building quite a prayer list here at this site.

Robbie
 
Stefan,

I just read through this whole thread for the first time this morning. First off, please accept my sympathy and my heartfelt hope that you find the care that you need as soon as possible. Not just physical but emotional as well. You are to be commended for your strength and your endurance. At some point in the future you will come to understand just how valuable these gifts are, and just how special you are because of them.

It's been said before, but it bears repeating. This was not your fault, any of it. As hard as it may be for you to hear, your father is a criminal, and he abused you. There is nothing that you could do to prevent this behavior. All the fault, all the blame, lies squarely on his shoulders, and on the shoulders of those others who abused you. You are to be commended for surviving. That was your job under those circumstances, you were not required at any time to fight back. Now your job is to heal, both physically and emotionally.

If you do not currently have a therapist, please consider finding one as soon as possible. Many of the symptoms you have described (your feeling of isolation, the nightmares, the feeling drained) are typical in people who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). And given your circumstances, I'd say it's a pretty good bet that you're going through that as well. This doesn't mean that you are "crazy". Far from it. It means that your mind is responding in an appropriate manner to the stresses you have suffered. It is actually a drastic method of self-preservation, as it virtually certain that there is no way you could have developed the psychological and emotional tools to process all that you have suffered. A good therapist can help you begin to address this, and work with you on putting things back together again within yourself.

Don't worry about trying to deal with everything, it will take some time for you to put all of the pieces of your self back together again, but you will be able to do it in time. The brain is just as much as part of the body as your ribs, and both can be broken. However, just like broken bones, the mind, given the proper care can repair itself as well. In order to feel whole again you will need to get the proper care and treatment for your mind and your soul. And the process of recuperation from those injuries will take time. Patience will be essential, but more important than that will be good psychological care. It's not important that you try to fix everything at once. But it is important that you continue the healing journey you have begun by coming here.


Stefan, it may not feel like it right now, but trust me, you are far stronger than you feel. Your spirit has not been broken, you have hope within your heart, and you will make it through this time of challenge, pain and despair. It might take you years to fully recover from the trauma you have experienced, but you're getting a head start on it by looking at these issues and asking for help now. That means that you are a lot healthier than you think as well. Many of the people here struggled to bury and repress their confusion, their doubt, their sadness for years, if not decades. You have the opportunity to make things right now, as opposed to 20 to 30 years from now. I hope that you will do everything that you need to do to get better. We are all here to support you.

You will never be the monster that your father was. And it is not your job to "fix" him. Concentrate on yourself. The only person you are responsible for in this world is you.

All my love, my hope, and my prayers go out to you.
 
Stefan,

My sympathy's as for having to move from place to place. I can't imagine how stressful that would be. Hold on tight, and come here and talk, vent, laugh, etc., when you feel the need. You've got many brothers here who will understand.

Be safe,

John
 
Hey Stefan

I so understand what you're talking about!

It s stresfull to have to move places all the time, at least it was for me. Esp. since i also had to change schools all the time.
It didnt matter that much since i had no friends at my old school anyway, but it still wasnt fun.
So I truly hope you'll be able to finish highschool on the same school, were your friends are.

I'm sorry you might not get a permanent spot to stay, that sucks man. I was going to go to a group home eventually, only because of the cancer they thought a fosterfamily would be better.
But, at least now you're in a safe place.

About wheter or not to tell the cops, don't worry to much about that. If you think you can do it, go for it, but not if you're not sure about it or feel like it would be to much to handle.
Cus the whole procedure, talking to the cops etc is very though.
Don't do it if you're not ready.

Sounds like tartugas had some good advice for you too!

Take care and I hope we meet in chat again soon.

Alexander
 
Stefan, do not be pushed into telling anything until you feel safe to do so, dont forget your own health comes first, so take your time.
You are bound to get triggers with so much moving and meeting new people, but you are safe,

ste
 
I know yeah more people told me not to rush into things, but yeah i dunno.
Like, it won't ever get easy.
There will always be something else too that will suffer under it like school or work or whatever.
And they might be hurting kids right now.
Maybe i could stop that?
I'm not sure though if i could handle it all though, everything that will follow if I do report them.
G*d I dont know what to do, I'm not sure of anything right now.
I hate the nightmares and flashbacks though that I am sure of.
There's this overall feeling of having to be.. on guard all the time. 'Vigilance' someone called it.
So.. I don't know what to do yet.
What is smart?

Stefan
 
Stefan, it is the hardest thing to decide to tell rather than not, and the outcome can be pretty much the same either way.
If you do tell, then you save other kids, and if you dont you live
with the guilt of not telling.

Main thing to think of is yourself, and if you do tell, let them
know that they cant push you for evidence and give you your own
space to tell.

It is good to write an impact statement on how things affect you, because it is hard to relate in Court.
Flashbaks are common, but you will get better at handling them.

The choice is yours,

ste
 
Take your time Stefan.
Like Ste said, you come first.

Alexander
 
The case on my father of the physicall abuse is going to be pretty soon.. ieks...
In 2 weeks actually.. I'm sorta nervous already.
I hope I won't have to answer to many questions.
It won't be easy especially as he will be in the same room.
And this is only the physicall abuse stuff..
I haven't even talked of the rest yet.
So... I'm not sure why I write this down, just wanted it of my chest a bit i guess.

Stefan
 
Stefan,
You are brave, nothing short of that. I just wanted you to know that there are SO many people on this website who are thinking of you and praying for you.
Please take that knowledge with you when you have to deal with your dad and his actions!
There is no doubt, ours is one fu**ed up and painful path, but with support and love from us who understand, you can deal with this. Stay strong my friend!
Much love,
 
Stefan,

Stefan012 said:
G*d I dont know what to do, I'm not sure of anything right now.
I hate the nightmares and flashbacks though that I am sure of.
There's this overall feeling of having to be.. on guard all the time. 'Vigilance' someone called it.
Click to expand...

I'm glad we had the chance to chat last night. I hope the ideas we talked about help you in dealing with the nightmares. Do you have recurring nightmares - by that I mean a nightmare that keeps coming back?

For flashbacks, can you feel them coming, or do you just get suddenly overwhelmed? Something that can help you with flashbacks is to try not to panic as one begins. Try to "stay present" and tell yourself, I am here in my fosters' home and I am safe now; I'm 17. Put your hands out flat on the chair or on your knees and tell yourself, "THIS is real"; feel your feet flat on the floor and tell yourself, "THIS is real". This kind of thing will help you to at least avoid the feeling of dread and panic that just makes a flashback worse.

Vigilance: Man, let me write the book! That is a totally normal reaction for a survivor Stefan. What's happening is that abuse has taught you the world is a dangerous place - harm can come from anywhere. So you watch out for it everywhere. As you deal with other things and learn to trust that you are safe now, this will become less extreme.

Stefan012 said:
So.. I don't know what to do yet.
What is smart?
Click to expand...

You will learn Stefan. It's okay to feel confused and lost right now. What's smart? That's a different question. A few suggestions of things to keep telling yourself:

1. I am not to blame; none of what happened was my fault.
2. I am not alone.
3. When things get bad and I think I can't talk about it, that's when I MOST need to talk.
4. I am worthwhile and special, even if my feelings don't let me accept that yet.
5. It's okay to feel lost and mixed up. I'm not doomed.

You can do this Stefan - really.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks a lot.

To answer your questions larry,
I do have some nightmares that come back all the time.
One is something i'm afraid of (appereantly) and is of them, being the perps, chasing me and doing stuff of what they'd threathened me whit, would i ever tell.
I haven't told about the s.abuse yet, but it's a topic that's on my mind a lot.
Other reocurring nightmares are from what happened back then whit my father and his friends.

The thing whit flashbacks is that I start to panic and often when it happens in public like at school I can go somewhere else like to the bathroom before it gets worse.
Not always though, sometimes it's like 'slam' very sudden.
I know people think I'm a freak.

I have heard some tips here and there about dealing whit panicattacks/flashbacks and I try to use them but often when they happen I forget about all of the stuff I've read up on.

Vigilance sure sucks it's tiring and the nightmares/ flashbacks/
panicattacks/not enough hours of sleep, do that also already.

When I still lived whit my father they weren't as bad as I have them now, not even close.

Whit the courtdate coming close, that doesn't help much either.

Something else I try to ignore, but can't really avoid, is people at school wispering, looking in my direction, pointing even.. I never told them that why I was in the hospital was because of my father, but you can't stop the rumours.
Lots of them know I suddenly don't live whit my father anymore, they can put 1 and 1 together.
And them gossiping about it, though now it's a while ago not as much as in the beginning anymore.
Like some even saying things as 'he's 17, why does he let his father hit him' 'he's old enough to defend himself' 'I don't understand he never stood up to him' etc.
It annoys me and upsets me too, at times. I try to not let them influence me to much but sometimes I can't help it.

Wow it's become a long post.

Stefan
 
stefan...........hope it all works out for you.........please be strong........where i work.....they all gossip........and talk about others behind thier back.....look foreward to your future...............steve
 
Stefan,

I thought I would break this up a bit:

Stefan012 said:
I do have some nightmares that come back all the time.
One is something i'm afraid of (apparently) and is of them, being the perps, chasing me and doing stuff of what they'd threatened me whit, would i ever tell.
I haven't told about the s.abuse yet, but it's a topic that's on my mind a lot.
Other recurring nightmares are from what happened back then whit my father and his friends.
Click to expand...

Dreams are complicated, but in general, when you have a recurring dream that suggests something that your mind is finding difficult to process. So when you're sleeping, your mind figures what the hell, I may as well drag this one out again. The subject you mention here makes perfect sense; you have already talked about your mixed feelings about telling. Part of you feels safe about telling and sees the importance of doing that, but there's also a part of you who is still Stefan the teen who's being abused, who has been told all the terrible things that will happen to him if he tells. That's a typical abuser trick, by the way. The ones I got were "Who knows, maybe someone will run over your dog", and "If you tell, your Dad will be furious and put you in an orphanage", and "If you tell, the church will vote and send you to hell".

Anyway, one thing you can do with a repeating dream is make up your own positive ending. Think about the dream as it is, but then supply it with a cool ending that you would like. Keep thinking about that, and recurrences of the dream may fade (because the issue you are dreaming about has been made less dangerous).

On telling about what happened, Stefan, take your time. Only go there if you feel it's something you are ready for. Personally, I think it's always a good idea to talk - that's a way of rejecting blame and refusing to stay shut up and powerless. I can also tell you with 100% certainty that no one here will blame you. But do think about whether you are ready to talk. This information is very private and it's YOUR property. Only disclose it if you believe that doing so will help you. You don't OWE it to tell anyone.

Much love,
Larry
 
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