Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*

Well this is about me, my story, I guess. Possible *triggers*
Stefan012

Stefan012

Registrant
I didn't think I would tell my story here. Not this soon anyway. So I'll try to do it quickly, or I will change my mind and delete it all.
I've been in the chat a couple times, but haven't been able to tell anything, yet.

I turned 17 years a few months ago.
I have no brothers or sisters.
My mother died in a caraccident, when I was 14.
My father almost died then, was in the hospital for nearly 7 months.
I missed, still miss, my mother a lot. I've always wished it was the other way around, that my dad died instead of my mother.
For the simple reason that he has abused me all my life, first it was only physicall abuse, but when I was 7 it turned also into s.abuse. He would sometimes also bring other people with him. I can not say the word, still. My mother couldn't or didn't want to stand up to it.
He didn't do it anymore after the accident, but while I was placed into a fosterfamily much the same happened there. So I was glad to go home, even though he still hits me.
I know christmas won't be a pleasant day. There will be no family or presents. Just him drinking way to much, like usually, and me, trying to stay away from him as much as possible.
I've been looking around carefully for a way to get out of here, but he can't know, not of this site, or of my plans, because i know he'd kill me.
Anyway, that's me.

Stefan
 
Welcome to MS Stefan,

I am sorry that you have the things in your past that bring you to this site - but I am also glad that you where able to find this site - I have found much help here in talking to others about the things that I can talk to no one else about - people here really do understand our pains - they been through pains themselves - all our stories are diffrent - yes - but the pains caused by the past are much the same - talking the pain out can help to diminish it greatly...

I applaud your bravery in posting your past here

I hope to catch you in the chat room sometime

Try to do something just for you on christmas - something that YOU want to do - leave him to drink by himself...

take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff
 
Hi Stefan,

I am sorry about your abuse and about your mother. Of course I can't know how you feel, but I did lose my mother when I was 19, so I can relate to some of that pain.

It takes a lot of bravery to tell your story but it is a least a way to begin healing. Welcome to MS. I know you will find a lot of good support here. I know I have.

Like Jeff, I hope you will be able to do something for yourself on Christmas, that will bring you some happines.

Take Care,
Keith
 
Hi again Stefan. That must have been incredibly difficult to write. Why do I say that? I say that because I remember the very first time I tried to talk about it, (when I was older), I thought I could just "say it" but then all of a sudden I started crying, etc. The very first time is hardest to talk about.

But may I offer a ray of hope? You CAN find answers here, answers to the many different questions that I'm sure you now have. Also, (I know this isn't much comfort for you but it's sooo true), you're trying to address this problem right NOW, you're not waiting 30 years to deal with this crap the way that many of us here have done. This is a big deal, cuz let me tell you, one of the worst aspects of CSA is that it can rob you of any purpose/meaning/direction, it can in essence rob you of the future you would have otherwise had.

Stefan, by trying to deal with it now, you're going to greatly minimize the impact that it will have on your life, and you will find many people here that are willing to help you.
 
Stefan, you will see that you are not alone and your recovery begins when you reveal your story. And you have so the journey begins.

A votre sante, Etienne!!!
froggy12
 
Hi Stefan,

We were in chat together yesterday. I am sorry to hear you story but am glad you shared it. This is a good safe place to come. I just want to welcome you here.

Dale
 
Stefan,

Welcome. You've made a very important step toward creating a better life for yourself. You've broken the silence.

It's obvious from your post that you have a real challenge on your hands to stay safe. Is there anyone in your local area you can trust? Whom you care about and who care about you? They will be invaluable to you as a source of support. If not we'll try to be what support we can here on the site.

Again, try to stay safe and connected to us as best you can. You're a good person and what has happened in your life is NOT your fault. You have a lot of good things to offer, and you are loved.

John
 
Stefan,

Im glad you found us, and proud of you that you were brave to share your story up front like that. Thankyou. You give us all strength by doing that.

I saddened and angered that the foster care system was not safe for you when your own home clearly was not. I guess there are no other safe and trusted relatives you could live with? I wouldnt blame you if you are cautious about trusting the authorities again for your protection. Perhaps somebody else on the boards living in your country knows about some other form of assistance?

Regarding trying to keep this site private from your father, can I simply suggest you dont create a favourite or bookmark in your browser program. That way it wont be as easy for him to find the site. You might also want to clear your browser memory each time you finish your internet session.

Welcome to MS. Try and stick around of you can and take care.
 
Stefan, I am glad you found the strength to post and not delete it.
Your mom should have stood against it, and fosters should be safe people.

Its always best to be in the safest place, even if your dad is the only one.
I can only wish you peace at Christmas, but hope things get better for you,

ste
 
Stefen,
Welcome to this site..You are very brave and it does get better,by starting at your age you can try to save yourself some grief and pain.I hope to see you at a retreat someday..Happy Christmas

Julian
 
Hi everyone

Thanks for all of your replies.
Makes me more glad that i did actually write it out, even though it was really hard.
I know about deleting history and all so that's not a problem, also my father doesnt use this computer.
I'm trying to get out of here, I hope to get out when I'm 18 wich will be in about 10 months.
I'll be studying next schoolyear so then I'll get money from the government and with a job it should be enough.. I'm registered at 'Social student housing', wich has good studentrooms for a lower price then 'private owners' studentrooms.
So, that's my plan.. One more year should be okey.

I wish i could burry all of that happened for the rest of my life.. But I can't anymore, nightmares all night.
I'm glad i found this place even though it's a hard thing to face.

Stefan
 
Stefan,

I admire your courage. I'm sorry for what brings you to this site, but glad that you've found it. Here you'll find understanding and support. Here we're all brothers, sharing some pretty significant history. I'll echo another message that it's great that you're dealing with this now.

Like many others here I waited way too long to deal with it. In my case it was 40 years. I admire your strength. Know that your life will be better because of your courage to address this now.

Be careful and safe, brother.

Peter
 
Stefan, I remember the courage it took me to post, but I would have kicked myself if I deleted it.

You have made a big brave step by doing just that, and I hope that your wishes come true and more.

Keep up with your school work and get good grades, that will get you a better job,

all the best,

ste
 
During the days I try to act as normal as possible, as if nothing is bothering me, and am just like my friends.

My best friends do know that my father and I don't get along and that he drinks to much (although they dont know how much it actually is) and they know of course that I still miss my mother..

But that's about it. I try to not let it show.
At night though, or when I'm alone, it all comes back though and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I've tried to ignore it for the past few years but it seems impossible now.

My father though seems to get more crazy each passing day, since like about a week esp..
I guess he doesnt like this time of the year either. He's starting to scare me though..
It feels embarrassing to admit I'm still not fully able to stand up to him, i guess he's still stronger then me at times, when he tries to hit me. I mean often i can just walk away now its easier then when i was a kid, but sometimes I cant avoid it. Like this morning.
I wish i had a lock on my bedroom. I dont want to have to camp in the bathroom for the coming days. I hope i dont have to.

I'm sorry about ranting like this but I guess i'm feeling a little bit depressed right now.

Stefan.
 
stefan..so sorry that you have to have this fear..at this time of the year...or for that matter anytime....i eel so sad when i hear about people stuck...no way out....please be strong..hold true to your beliefs...that thier is a better place....the best for you....steve
 
its okey at the moment thanks, he's passed out right now.
 
Hey Stefan,

Keep yourself safe. I'll be thinking about you.
 
camping out in bathroom with laptop lol o well its safe at least.
 
Hey, how are you now?
Still camping in bathroom?
Doesnt sound like a safe place at your home!
You sure you can't tell anyone, even if it's only a little bit?
You gotta get out of there alright, you dont want something bad to happen.
I'm in fostercare now and there are also good people..
Anyway try to keep safe and get out of there as soon as you can.

Alexander
 
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