Well he's gone...

[jennyseagull]

Thank all of you for this website....here I know I am not alone. I have no advice to offer anyone yet, as I am trying to dig my way out of a black hole, but I surely appreciate the opportunity to express myself. I don't know if anyone remember s my post from Dec 03 but - my husband revealed abuse, withdrew from me, attempted to prosecute but could not due to statutes/laws of the time, began acting out over the internet with soemone we both knew who said she is also a victim of abuse. That woman told me the first time I talked to her that she knows that when someone reveals abuse they may very well act out sexually. My question is - should this victim not have encouraged him to heal in a positive way instead of engaging him sexually? Anyway, he has quit his job and moved 3,000 miles away to Seattle to be with her, and left me totally alone. HE says he sees the abuser when he looks at me or tries to have sex with me, and prior to his abuse revelation he had called me his angel and said he could not live without me. Not I am the devil to him and we are getting divorced. He said he wanted to go as far away as possible because he is afraid that someone in our small hometown where the abuse happened will find out and he cannot face the humiliation. And that he feels so bad about cheating on me that he could never be a man around me again, and that he knows what people are saying about him. I had tried to tell him that his pain will not subside by disappearing, but he said he had to go and that I have to idea of the rage and torment inside him. Meanwhile the pedophile who molested him is free and is a PILLAR of our community. I desparately want to expose him for the evil that he is..... I would like to know if anyone out there has ever wanted to disappear nad more importantly will it help my husband by disappearing and being with this woman who he says is the only one who has understood him so far? Keep in mind that he refused to come to this website, he said it made him sick to read the things posted here, that he only gets relief from this other woman. What the hell happened to my life? 6 months ago we were planning our home in the country and life together, now he is gone and in Seattle with this person....

 

[MikeNY]

From everything that I know about it, no, it will not help him to do what he is doing. It sounds like you may need to start yourself healing. You may want to do some therapy for a little while bacause of the things that he has done to you now.

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by MikeNY:
From everything that I know about it, no, it will not help him to do what he is doing. It sounds like you may need to start yourself healing. You may want to do some therapy for a little while bacause of the things that he has done to you now.

I agree. He is still in denial, looking for the quick fix that will make him feel better, not dealing with the abuse. I bet you $1 Million that he'll eventually do to her what he did to you.

I dated several guys like that (why I have only dated guys with serious abuse issues I dont know.. well ok I know because I have serious abuse issues) and one guy who also has serious abuse (emotional, sexual, verbal) issues that he dosent even realize... At the beginning this guy treated me like an angel, promised me the world, only to leave me 5 years later, calling me the "reincarnation of Satan", left me homeless, jobless, sleeping on my brother's couch, scrounging for food and clothing.

This guy has a public weblog and I check it from time to time - it sounds like he is still up to his old tricks - meeting and hooking up with the first woman he finds, then freaking out, dumping them and leaving them hopeless and rejected. He's such an open book about it too, its so bizarre. In the 4 years we've been broke up he's done this to about 3 other women.

I think some therapy is going to be good for you -I needed to go just to a) get over the grief/loss of my dreams b) to convince myself (still not perfect on this one) that it was NOT my fault that this happened that it was WAAAY out of my control and c) that its ok to trust again (still working on this one).

What you went through is horrible.. and I have been there. It took me about 2 years of being on my own, living on my own, getting a new job, making a completely new life for myself here to start to become functional again. But I have risen to the occasion and my life now is much happier than when we were together - despite the problems I have with my current partner they were NOTHING like that pain.

You will get through this. It hurts now but PLEASE try really hard NOT to blame yourself. It is horrible that you have become a "secondary victim" to what happpend to your partner but that is exactly what has happened. You could not have done anything about this. His pain and anguish was just too strong and overwhelming, and you were really powerless to do anything about his pain.

P

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by jennyseagull:
My question is - should this victim not have encouraged him to heal in a positive way instead of engaging him sexually?

Simple answer - yes. Unfortunately I have a strong hunch that both he and this new woman are acting out sexually with each other. The speed and intensity of the relationship, and the fact that he moved thousands of miles away to be with her, leaving a home, etc where you are is just too much. Unfortunately to me thats a sign that they probably both have a lot of work to do and they are still just at the beginning stages of recovery from this whole mess.

Unfortunately, I see nothing but disaster for his new relationship. I give it six months and he'll be looking at her like she's Satan too. Their mutual intense neediness and wounded souls will eventually just be too much. its easy to be lost in the glow of a new relationship, to be lost in the "feel good" chemicals of a new sexual relationship, but those dont last. When that all ends, this will probably come crashign down.

P

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by jennyseagull:
Meanwhile the pedophile who molested him is free and is a PILLAR of our community. I desparately want to expose him for the evil that he is.....

I hear ya. My fiance's perp is a PILLAR too. There's kids who write freekin articles ONLINE about how much of a wonderful influence this guy was on their lives, how no doubt he would rise to be a really big influence on kids, how great this guy was in their lives, barf, hurl.

Whats weird, is that this guy invited, my best friend and her husband to "drop by and visit" the next time they are in town (pedophile lives in Canada, they live in Texas). How weird is that?

She has not seen this guy in over 15 years, never really liked the guy, he even tried to "groom" her husband when they were both in high school.. (he was big on inviting teenagers over to drink and party at his place, when he was in a position to "know better".. it was during one of those parties when my partner was molested at age 17.)

When my friend called to tell me about the "invitation" I told her "keep your son away from him". Anyhow she has long suspected there was something "not quite right" about this guy anyhow from the time she was a teenager (we are now mid 30s).

BLARGH!! I want to bust that guy's face with a baseball bat!!!!!!! Pinata head!!! BOOM!!

P

 

[Lloydy]

Jenny
he isn't dealing with it, he's just running away from it. And there's no place to hide 'cause that shit follows us everywhere we go !

Take comfort in knowing you tried, so many of us Survivors KNOW the power a loving partner has in helping us, we appreciate it too.

So take care of yourself, make your life the most importnant thing from now on.
Dave

 

[AB]

I understand exactly what you are going through, Jenny. You tried your best, but he is still in denial and anything you say or try to do to help him will only be perceived as a threat and make him feel more ashamed and guilty than he already does. The same thing WILL happen with this new relationship, and who knows when he will hit bottom and realize that it is the abuse that has caused these destructive patterns in his life, and not the idea that he is just a 'bad' person. Maybe never, maybe next week. If there is one thing I know from being in this very same situation myself, is that you never know what is around the corner. I know what is like to be loved more than you ever thought possible, only to be knocked down off that pedestal and treated like crap. It is soul-destroying-but you WILL make it through. Find yourself a good counsellor and make a commitment to see him/her, do what feels comforting to you (that may be not much in the beginning) but with time I promise you it does get easier. Hang in there. We are here for you still if you need to express your grief.