Welcome to Tennessee 1 (Warning Triggers)

Hello MS Community,

It is said, I mean I have heard this on many occasions, that you never forget your first time. I can pretty much gosh damn guarantee you that I won’t forget mine. I live this this over and over like one of those LP's that has a scratch in it and just plays the same piece continuously, over, and over. After we had moved to this seemingly idyllic place it took no time for one of the adult individuals that ran this group of <use your own descriptor> to make fast friends with my Dad, and later I figured out use it to gather information about me. We were in Tennessee in a seemingly ideal rural community. It did not take my dad time hardly anytime at all to remarry himself to a woman that was a registered nurse, and she was a very nice lady. She had already raised several children though from a previous marriage, so I was not on the priority list. Dad began his job as a corporate pilot for the Tennessee Valley Authority and both would be gone for extended periods of time. Well this adult I speak of had done everything but discover cold fusion to impress my dad. It was inevitable in this situation that the subject of someone looking after me was bound to come up. This person had won my dad’s trust so easily, well of course he suggested he could do it, needed the extra money. As smart of my dad was he fell for this like a fly does in Venus Fly Trap, had no clue.

The fist day I was left with him, there was no fuss of pretension or games it was right to work. He took me to another home that was a good distance for my house, hell I don’t know how far it was? The situation in this home was a nightmare of epic proportions; There were two brothers that lived here, a 16 yeah old and a 14-year-old. There dad was a Federal Marshall, who was also away from home quite a lot. Their mother had died a couple of years prior to my arrival, and now I cannot recall from what. I was taken here, and told by my super-duper adult minder to do as I was told. The 14-year-old never bothered me and as I grew older even attempted to protect me a few times. The older of the two, who I will call Tommy, had no such agenda.

I had not been there twenty minutes before he was dragging me up to his bedroom. When he told me to take my clothes off and I didn’t he simply did it for me. This is just fucked up, and how anyone that age and so much more power could do this to a kid is beyond me. His first act was to take one of those smaller zip ties like one will use on a garbage bag and secure my hands behind my back. Keep in mind I was so young I, I had no clue what was happening, who would at that age? He got undressed, put me on my back on the bed, and laid on top of me to pin me down even better. This part is still unbelievable to me and I will never understand it that someone could do this. The next little part of his magician show was to take a Zip lock plastic bag and use it to smother me over and over. There was not a damn thing I could I could do to stop him. This really excited him though I did not know what that was at the time, all I knew was I was hurting, helpless and terrified

This seemed like it went on for a very long time and he finally stopped and gave me a good explanation of what had just happened and why. It was his job to train the new ones to be obedient, and he was exceptionally good at it. So, listened to him yammer on, just grateful I could finally breath, and did not understand half of what he was talking about. He then told me for the next several weeks he was going to teach me to give the perfect blowjob. I don’t about the perfect part, but he sure did do that for quite a while and every time I was completely overwhelmed. If did not take long for me to become so afraid of him and his little plastic bag I would just do what he would say. Anything but that damn bag, and sometimes even when I did everything he said, he would still use it anyway.

So, you can see it was hard for me to forget my first time, and I still never have. I did not black out, those mechanisms in my mind did not kick in, for that I am not sure why. After that day I had properly arrived at my new Hell and was totally lost. I was only five years old but can recall every bit of it. Sorry about the graphic nature of this, it just was and I cannot go back and change it
.
Which Deep Respect,
Jrperkey010101
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hello MS Community,

It is said, I mean I have heard this on many occasions, that you never forget your first time. I can pretty much gosh damn guarantee you that I won’t forget mine. I live this this over and over like one of those LP's that has a scratch in it and just plays the same piece continuously, over, and over. After we had moved to this seemingly idyllic place it took no time for one of the adult individuals that ran this group of <use your own descriptor> to make fast friends with my Dad, and later I figured out use it to gather information about me. We were in Tennessee in a seemingly ideal rural community. It did not take my dad time hardly anytime at all to remarry himself to a woman that was a registered nurse, and she was a very nice lady. She had already raised several children though from a previous marriage, so I was not on the priority list. Dad began his job as a corporate pilot for the Tennessee Valley Authority and both would be gone for extended periods of time. Well this adult I speak of had done everything but discover cold fusion to impress my dad. It was inevitable in this situation that the subject of someone looking after me was bound to come up. This person had won my dad’s trust so easily, well of course he suggested he could do it, needed the extra money. As smart of my dad was he fell for this like a fly does in Venus Fly Trap, had no clue.

The fist day I was left with him, there was no fuss of pretension or games it was right to work. He took me to another home that was a good distance for my house, hell I don’t know how far it was? The situation in this home was a nightmare of epic proportions; There were two brothers that lived here, a 16 yeah old and a 14-year-old. There dad was a Federal Marshall, who was also away from home quite a lot. Their mother had died a couple of years prior to my arrival, and now I cannot recall from what. I was taken here, and told by my super-duper adult minder to do as I was told. The 14-year-old never bothered me and as I grew older even attempted to protect me a few times. The older of the two, who I will call Tommy, had no such agenda.

I had not been there twenty minutes before he was dragging me up to his bedroom. When he told me to take my clothes off and I didn’t he simply did it for me. This is just fucked up, and how anyone that age and so much more power could do this to a kid is beyond me. His first act was to take one of those smaller zip ties like one will use on a garbage bag and secure my hands behind my back. Keep in mind I was so young I, I had no clue what was happening, who would at that age? He got undressed, put me on my back on the bed, and laid on top of me to pin me down even better. This part is still unbelievable to me and I will never understand it that someone could do this. The next little part of his magician show was to take a Zip lock plastic bag and use it to smother me over and over. There was not a damn thing I could I could do to stop him. This really excited him though I did not know what that was at the time, all I knew was I was hurting, helpless and terrified

This seemed like it went on for a very long time and he finally stopped and gave me a good explanation of what had just happened and why. It was his job to train the new ones to be obedient, and he was exceptionally good at it. So, listened to him yammer on, just grateful I could finally breath, and did not understand half of what he was talking about. He then told me for the next several weeks he was going to teach me to give the perfect blowjob. I don’t about the perfect part, but he sure did do that for quite a while and every time I was completely overwhelmed. If did not take long for me to become so afraid of him and his little plastic bag I would just do what he would say. Anything but that damn bag, and sometimes even when I did everything he said, he would still use it anyway.

So, you can see it was hard for me to forget my first time, and I still never have. I did not black out, those mechanisms in my mind did not kick in, for that I am not sure why. After that day I had properly arrived at my new Hell and was totally lost. I was only five years old but can recall every bit of it. Sorry about the graphic nature of this, it just was and I cannot go back and change it
.
Which Deep Respect,
Jrperkey010101
Hi

I'm sorry you faced that and I wanted you to know your voice has been heard

Abusers are extremely manipulative so convincing, so evil
I know my mother didn't know I was being sexually abused

I truly wish you peace in your healing
HL
 
My first was a family member, but not as horrible as yours. It was a “game” that he played with me when we were alone.

I’m still working on dealing with that, and I too remember everything, even though I was 4. Something we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives but I’m learning my assaults don’t have to define me. I’ve beat myself up mentally and emotionally for so long, I really don’t have emotions, except anger. I wish you peace in your healing. Know that you’re not alone.
 

Mss65

Registrant
Hello MS Community,

It is said, I mean I have heard this on many occasions, that you never forget your first time. I can pretty much gosh damn guarantee you that I won’t forget mine. I live this this over and over like one of those LP's that has a scratch in it and just plays the same piece continuously, over, and over. After we had moved to this seemingly idyllic place it took no time for one of the adult individuals that ran this group of <use your own descriptor> to make fast friends with my Dad, and later I figured out use it to gather information about me. We were in Tennessee in a seemingly ideal rural community. It did not take my dad time hardly anytime at all to remarry himself to a woman that was a registered nurse, and she was a very nice lady. She had already raised several children though from a previous marriage, so I was not on the priority list. Dad began his job as a corporate pilot for the Tennessee Valley Authority and both would be gone for extended periods of time. Well this adult I speak of had done everything but discover cold fusion to impress my dad. It was inevitable in this situation that the subject of someone looking after me was bound to come up. This person had won my dad’s trust so easily, well of course he suggested he could do it, needed the extra money. As smart of my dad was he fell for this like a fly does in Venus Fly Trap, had no clue.

The fist day I was left with him, there was no fuss of pretension or games it was right to work. He took me to another home that was a good distance for my house, hell I don’t know how far it was? The situation in this home was a nightmare of epic proportions; There were two brothers that lived here, a 16 yeah old and a 14-year-old. There dad was a Federal Marshall, who was also away from home quite a lot. Their mother had died a couple of years prior to my arrival, and now I cannot recall from what. I was taken here, and told by my super-duper adult minder to do as I was told. The 14-year-old never bothered me and as I grew older even attempted to protect me a few times. The older of the two, who I will call Tommy, had no such agenda.

I had not been there twenty minutes before he was dragging me up to his bedroom. When he told me to take my clothes off and I didn’t he simply did it for me. This is just fucked up, and how anyone that age and so much more power could do this to a kid is beyond me. His first act was to take one of those smaller zip ties like one will use on a garbage bag and secure my hands behind my back. Keep in mind I was so young I, I had no clue what was happening, who would at that age? He got undressed, put me on my back on the bed, and laid on top of me to pin me down even better. This part is still unbelievable to me and I will never understand it that someone could do this. The next little part of his magician show was to take a Zip lock plastic bag and use it to smother me over and over. There was not a damn thing I could I could do to stop him. This really excited him though I did not know what that was at the time, all I knew was I was hurting, helpless and terrified

This seemed like it went on for a very long time and he finally stopped and gave me a good explanation of what had just happened and why. It was his job to train the new ones to be obedient, and he was exceptionally good at it. So, listened to him yammer on, just grateful I could finally breath, and did not understand half of what he was talking about. He then told me for the next several weeks he was going to teach me to give the perfect blowjob. I don’t about the perfect part, but he sure did do that for quite a while and every time I was completely overwhelmed. If did not take long for me to become so afraid of him and his little plastic bag I would just do what he would say. Anything but that damn bag, and sometimes even when I did everything he said, he would still use it anyway.

So, you can see it was hard for me to forget my first time, and I still never have. I did not black out, those mechanisms in my mind did not kick in, for that I am not sure why. After that day I had properly arrived at my new Hell and was totally lost. I was only five years old but can recall every bit of it. Sorry about the graphic nature of this, it just was and I cannot go back and change it
.
Which Deep Respect,
Jrperkey010101
Hi Jrperkey,

No need to apologize, this is a judgement free zone and a place to unload and unpack, hopefully heal. The guys here understand and are excellent helping to try and make sense / accept and move to a better place in our head, that's the way it helps me at least. It is a very powerful healing tool for me having like people to talk to.

I can relate to what you are dealing with. I will never forget my first time either. Yours sounds horribly violent, similar to mine so it does not surprise me that it continuously haunts you. I think we are different than some that I have talked to in that allot of people are able to block out or black out during extremely traumatic incidents but I think unfortunately most remember eventually in the form of memories, flashbacks and nightmares triggered by a wide range of sensual and mental stimuli. From smells to touches to sex and visual reminders like television shows that feature CSA stories and commercials. Even those damn Boy Scout and church lawsuit commercials always bring me to flashbacks of my first time being abused. I also think that when you are abused from a young age for an extended period of time allot of kids never get a chance to forget, they live it pretty much every day during the abuse whether its a day they are getting abused or not and it gets forged solidly in their brain. That is the way I am and I have carried it into and thru adulthood for decades. (my good memory is a curse to me).

I think that the fear of death you experienced during the suffocation episodes is also a strong part of why you remember so well. I know it is for me. The first time I was physically and sexually abused by my priest he gave me a severe spanking then as part of my punishment he made me give him oral sex under the guise of my penance and told me I was lucky that I would receive the body and blood of Christ thru that act. Messed up stuff using religion to abuse a child but my 7 year old brain believed that I was an evil sinner that needed to be saved, he started the grooming part where he made me to believe that I was evil a couple of years before he actually abused me and that he was going to help save me thru God.

He was very rough with me and choked me to the point that I could not breath very well, I thought I was going to die and that severe trauma was ingrained into my brain along with many other violent memories over the course of 6 years that have lived clearly in my head, unforgettable. I think accepting my abuse in my head helps me some but I have a long ways to go to heal like most everyone here, new here at least which I am pretty new here and at trying to heal after years of trying to forget and ignore using substances. I know that self destructive behavior is a dangerous and horrible way to try and deal with CSA and I am doing better because of MS and the great guys here.

You also sound like you did not have anyone to protect you. I understand that as well and that created a slew of other issues of not ever feeling safe, protected or cared for as a child, even by my parents, which I blame for not helping me, but it is really my fault for being to afraid to tell them, I blame them because I think they should have been able to figure it out since they were the adults in my life.

These protection issues manifest themselves in me with severe trust issues and other defensive behaviors towards most people including my immediate family.

Keep unloading and unpacking your memories and thoughts here. You will be helped in many ways, just sharing lifts allot of the weight off me and from what I hear many of our brothers on the site. I know your post made me feel better, lifted some weight off me knowing that I am not alone in my struggles.

I wish you all the best in your healing, If I can be of any help please let me know.
Mike
 
@jperky010101 I respect how much courage it took for you to write that. I know it is just the beginning for you to tell your story. Please know we are here for you. As @Healing light said, abusers are evil, and you met evil.

As you go through this process, please take care of yourself and reach out when you need anything and practice self-care if you can. If you need anything, let me know as well.
 
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