Weird Nightmares
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Weird Nightmares
- Thread starterBrayton
- Start date
ScottyTodd
Registrant
Brett - These nightmares or wakening terrified (night terrors) are fairly common symptom of abuse. You are NOT going "crazy" but are normal for the abnormal situations you have lived through. You may want to track them by journaling and recording as much of the dream, feelings and other information you experience upon awakening. Share them with your T or support group. Just one more hurdle to go through.
Howard
Howard
That's good to know. I have seen the term "night terrors" before but didn't know specifically what they were.
I don't remember the dreams that immediately precede the waking. I suppose that might come in time.
When I woke up last night I tried to remember the dream but my mind just wouldn't go there. It was like a big door just slammed shut with a resounding bang.
Brett
I don't remember the dreams that immediately precede the waking. I suppose that might come in time.
When I woke up last night I tried to remember the dream but my mind just wouldn't go there. It was like a big door just slammed shut with a resounding bang.
Brett
Brayton,
I have had those too. I have awakened angry and ready to fight, extremely anxious, and/or terrified. I have been journaling dreams for about 3 years and the dreams have gradually become less intense. When I began journaling dreams, someone suggested I keep paper and pen by the bed and upon awakening, just write what I could remember. Not to worry about all the details that I couldn't remember. Even just the feelings upon awakening. Very gradually, I could journal more and more stuff from the dreams. I find it's not even necessary to analyze each one, just simply acknowledging them and their message seems to take some of the urgency away. I now honor my dreams by writing them and allow the lessons to come as they may.
RickB
I have had those too. I have awakened angry and ready to fight, extremely anxious, and/or terrified. I have been journaling dreams for about 3 years and the dreams have gradually become less intense. When I began journaling dreams, someone suggested I keep paper and pen by the bed and upon awakening, just write what I could remember. Not to worry about all the details that I couldn't remember. Even just the feelings upon awakening. Very gradually, I could journal more and more stuff from the dreams. I find it's not even necessary to analyze each one, just simply acknowledging them and their message seems to take some of the urgency away. I now honor my dreams by writing them and allow the lessons to come as they may.
RickB
Rick,
I truly wish I could remember the dreams upon waking, that I was haunted by someting so tangible and comprehensible. I will keep paper and pen handy in hopes of something expressible in words.
I don't however expect the horrors to end soon. Whatever actually happened in the past, I am left with the endless nightmare of feelings that resulted from it. This does not end and does not reveal itself in such a way that I can grab hold of it and wrestle it to the ground in hopes of one day overcoming it.
Brett
Brett
I truly wish I could remember the dreams upon waking, that I was haunted by someting so tangible and comprehensible. I will keep paper and pen handy in hopes of something expressible in words.
I don't however expect the horrors to end soon. Whatever actually happened in the past, I am left with the endless nightmare of feelings that resulted from it. This does not end and does not reveal itself in such a way that I can grab hold of it and wrestle it to the ground in hopes of one day overcoming it.
Brett
Brett
crisispoint
Registrant
Brett,
I have had them. I have dreams that I can't remember, only that I was terrified.
In a way, I'm glad I don't remember them, actually. The wide-awake flashbacks I have are bad enough.
Be patient. In time, and if you want to, you will remember, and perhaps another piece of the puzzle will be in place for you.
Peace and love, bro,
Scot
I have had them. I have dreams that I can't remember, only that I was terrified.
In a way, I'm glad I don't remember them, actually. The wide-awake flashbacks I have are bad enough.
Be patient. In time, and if you want to, you will remember, and perhaps another piece of the puzzle will be in place for you.
Peace and love, bro,
Scot
Scot,
I recognize patience as good advice. Part of me knows it is best not to try to force any of this. Recovery will follow its own pace and that will vary from person to person. It is a process, perhaps never-ending but getting better and better.
I understand that and it is logical but still I push it sometimes. It is draining but I see my concious awareness of what happened and what is going on in my head growing broader and broader.
What I don't see is my knowledge getting deeper and deeper. Its like I hit bottom in my understanding of what happened but it seems that it is a false bottom firmly in place, and that what lies beneath it is full of horror and hopelessness.
I guess that this wordlessness results partly from so much of it happening from when I was an infant to the time I was four or five. (I get a sick feeling just writing that as if I have crossed some barrier and broken some important rule. I anticipate punishment.)
Someone else has suggested that my authentic self may lie beneath that false bottom. Perhaps it is not all horror.
Brett
I recognize patience as good advice. Part of me knows it is best not to try to force any of this. Recovery will follow its own pace and that will vary from person to person. It is a process, perhaps never-ending but getting better and better.
I understand that and it is logical but still I push it sometimes. It is draining but I see my concious awareness of what happened and what is going on in my head growing broader and broader.
What I don't see is my knowledge getting deeper and deeper. Its like I hit bottom in my understanding of what happened but it seems that it is a false bottom firmly in place, and that what lies beneath it is full of horror and hopelessness.
I guess that this wordlessness results partly from so much of it happening from when I was an infant to the time I was four or five. (I get a sick feeling just writing that as if I have crossed some barrier and broken some important rule. I anticipate punishment.)
Someone else has suggested that my authentic self may lie beneath that false bottom. Perhaps it is not all horror.
Brett
Hi Brett,
I have different history, I think. In my family, when I am smaller, we are not allowed sleep so much. My father was rather crazy man, I think, and he would pull us from our beds in middle of night, make clean or work or something, then let us go back to bed, just to do it again in hour or less. Always, until he leave our family, I grow up as afraid to go sleep. So even now, I sleep less of four hours a night, and even if I do not have bad dream, when I wake, I wake up startled and scared, and jump out of bed with heart pounding, feeling guilty to be asleep at all.
So, I guess in way I have similar thing happen, but maybe it is for different reason. Am not certain it helps you.
leosha
I have different history, I think. In my family, when I am smaller, we are not allowed sleep so much. My father was rather crazy man, I think, and he would pull us from our beds in middle of night, make clean or work or something, then let us go back to bed, just to do it again in hour or less. Always, until he leave our family, I grow up as afraid to go sleep. So even now, I sleep less of four hours a night, and even if I do not have bad dream, when I wake, I wake up startled and scared, and jump out of bed with heart pounding, feeling guilty to be asleep at all.
So, I guess in way I have similar thing happen, but maybe it is for different reason. Am not certain it helps you.
leosha
Brett -
I have been and am still in many ways exactly where you are right now. I think the younger the abuse, especially if it is in conjunction with punishment, makes it more difficult to recover the memories and the words and the understanding of what happened. According to my T, it also makes the defenses harder to break through too.
I think age and who your perp was has a lot to do with how we process. (I was aged 4 to 8.) I'm sure if it started earlier, it would be even harder for you to deal with. You go through the self-doubts, the wanting to know completely what happened instead of the damn foggy memories, the "if I could just get the last pieces put in the puzzle," then I can proceed with recovery.
The forcing doesn't help... I've tried. But being told to be patient is frustrating as all hell! (Even, as you said, you know it to be true.) But then all of a sudden, I got three flashbacks, vivid as all hell, and wished I had never asked for it to be shown. So it's a double edged sword.
I have had night terrors since I was little. A lot of what you described is similar to my experiences... I'm here for you in whatever way I can be. Be patient (groan) with yourself!
-Sean
I have been and am still in many ways exactly where you are right now. I think the younger the abuse, especially if it is in conjunction with punishment, makes it more difficult to recover the memories and the words and the understanding of what happened. According to my T, it also makes the defenses harder to break through too.
I think age and who your perp was has a lot to do with how we process. (I was aged 4 to 8.) I'm sure if it started earlier, it would be even harder for you to deal with. You go through the self-doubts, the wanting to know completely what happened instead of the damn foggy memories, the "if I could just get the last pieces put in the puzzle," then I can proceed with recovery.
The forcing doesn't help... I've tried. But being told to be patient is frustrating as all hell! (Even, as you said, you know it to be true.) But then all of a sudden, I got three flashbacks, vivid as all hell, and wished I had never asked for it to be shown. So it's a double edged sword.
I have had night terrors since I was little. A lot of what you described is similar to my experiences... I'm here for you in whatever way I can be. Be patient (groan) with yourself!
-Sean
Sean,
It hardly seems possible that our experiences are so very similar. I have felt isolated, freakish, invalid, inauthentic. Much less so in having read your post.
I have mixed feeling about memory recovery. I suspect that full memory recovery would be, as you say, regrettable.
I had concious knowlege of much of the physical abuse and emotional abuse and neglect a long time ago (though focused treatment of it did not begin until a couple of years ago).
It was perhaps 5 or 6 years ago that I had my first recovered memory of sexual abuse. It happened when I was an infant and the perp was my mother.
I had for years responded to triggers that were as simple as my partner talking about his mother and how though she was alcoholic, she always expressed unconditional love for her children. He had done a dozen or so years of work in therapy and Al-Anon so had a healthy understanding of what effect his parents' alcoholism had had on the family and had more or less made his peace with it.
My reactions to the triggers were frightening. I was anxious, fearful, angry and very sad. I would emotionally retreat and sob for an hour or more at a time.
I see now that I was in effect a wordless, frightened and hurting child again.
We were on a two hour drive to see his mother. My episode had started before we left town and my withdrawal and crying continued for almost the entire trip. My partner's anxiousness though perfectly understandable looking back, at the time only worsened what I was going through.
We stopped for gas. I sat alone in the car and I was so desperate for release that I think I prayed to God for it. It was like I was asking my mind for an answer, an explanation for what was happening to me.
In that moment I had a clear impression of being an infant and being bathed by my mother at the kitchen sink. I recalled that she had hurt my genitals, either slapped or squeezed them. I recalled her sudden anger and rage and the sensation of the pain.
Immediately, my panic and sobbing stopped. I was astounded. It was my first experience with a recovered memory and it had an extraordinary impact.
I shared the experience with a close friend (though not with my partner) but did not talk about it again until I hooked up with a therapist a couple of years ago who recognized the symptoms of childhood abuse in me and began treating me for them.
That has led to other bits of recovered memory but not a lot of details. It is interesting I think that in the images I do recall the faces are blocked out or erased.
Brett
It hardly seems possible that our experiences are so very similar. I have felt isolated, freakish, invalid, inauthentic. Much less so in having read your post.
I have mixed feeling about memory recovery. I suspect that full memory recovery would be, as you say, regrettable.
I had concious knowlege of much of the physical abuse and emotional abuse and neglect a long time ago (though focused treatment of it did not begin until a couple of years ago).
It was perhaps 5 or 6 years ago that I had my first recovered memory of sexual abuse. It happened when I was an infant and the perp was my mother.
I had for years responded to triggers that were as simple as my partner talking about his mother and how though she was alcoholic, she always expressed unconditional love for her children. He had done a dozen or so years of work in therapy and Al-Anon so had a healthy understanding of what effect his parents' alcoholism had had on the family and had more or less made his peace with it.
My reactions to the triggers were frightening. I was anxious, fearful, angry and very sad. I would emotionally retreat and sob for an hour or more at a time.
I see now that I was in effect a wordless, frightened and hurting child again.
We were on a two hour drive to see his mother. My episode had started before we left town and my withdrawal and crying continued for almost the entire trip. My partner's anxiousness though perfectly understandable looking back, at the time only worsened what I was going through.
We stopped for gas. I sat alone in the car and I was so desperate for release that I think I prayed to God for it. It was like I was asking my mind for an answer, an explanation for what was happening to me.
In that moment I had a clear impression of being an infant and being bathed by my mother at the kitchen sink. I recalled that she had hurt my genitals, either slapped or squeezed them. I recalled her sudden anger and rage and the sensation of the pain.
Immediately, my panic and sobbing stopped. I was astounded. It was my first experience with a recovered memory and it had an extraordinary impact.
I shared the experience with a close friend (though not with my partner) but did not talk about it again until I hooked up with a therapist a couple of years ago who recognized the symptoms of childhood abuse in me and began treating me for them.
That has led to other bits of recovered memory but not a lot of details. It is interesting I think that in the images I do recall the faces are blocked out or erased.
Brett
