Weird Mind-Body disconnect
Just as a matter of an update, it seems that something very strange is going on (not necessarily bad, but feels strange).
For the last few days I’ve been functioning much better, I’m able to get out of bed, do things around the house instead of staying in bed curled up in a fetal position, racked by fear, and I’m regaining interest in things like hobbies I’ve practically abandoned. My sleep patterns are still abnormal but I think they are slowly getting better. I attribute this to my daily regimen of exercises (yoga plus walking) as well as my medication starting to finally kick in, and of course, reading the many posts from so many of you helps so much, even if the situations described are not necessarily the same as mine, but seeing some of the struggles by the men here helps me feel that what I’m going through is not unusual.
So, as far as my body is concerned, I’m doing much better.
My mind, on the other hand, is still struggling. I woke up feeling extremely depressed and discouraged for no apparent reason. Things still look bleak to me and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’ve wasted my life and now I’m damaged beyond repair. I am STILL obsessing about my T, arguing with him inside my head, because I feel utterly unheard. Rationally speaking, I do KNOW that he’s heard me several times, and when he doesn’t, it’s not out of malice, it’s simply because for whatever reason, he doesn’t get it, but he tries the best he can. Problem is, that this isn’t good enough for me. I’m guessing it’s my inner child trying desperately to speak up and feel heard and validated and he just won’t quit trying, but he’s unable to articulate (to me or to my T), what is it that is so important to say and to be heard. Yes, there’s been a few instances where I could legitimately claim that he doesn’t get it, but the exaggerated amount of energy I’m putting into this seems to me that it’s about something much, much deeper that I may not be ready to deal with.
Trying to be objective, my T is doing everything he’s supposed to be doing, with very sound reasoning, and putting his best effort in working with me, and yet I’m putting up a nuclear war over details that by themselves are not all that serious. I’ve been trying to journal extensively about this, trying to distill what is it that I want, and damned if I knew, I can just speculate. All I know is that my feeling is “I’m not being heard, I want my words to matter and make a difference”, and I’m struggling to accept that yes, I’m being heard (most of the time) and that yes, my words DO make a difference (most of the time), but also that sometimes I’m NOT being heard and that my words AREN’T making a difference, but this doesn’t mean I’m being abused or neglected or shamed, it simply means that people, being human, will make mistakes and can’t always be fully present for me, just like I myself make mistakes and can’t always be fully present for others. Cognitively I understand all of this, but that obsessive part of my brain doesn’t seem to be able to accept this, so it keeps fighting. It’s an exhausting fight that’s been taking a toll on me. I wish I knew how to resolve this inner conflict, because there’s no way I can relate/communicate effectively with others if I’m not clear with myself as to what are my true needs and find a way of articulating them.
So, I’m functioning at two levels, the body part is definitely doing much better, but the mind part is lagging behind, and I would even say, resisting the efforts at healing.
I can only hope that this is normal in the recovery process.
For the last few days I’ve been functioning much better, I’m able to get out of bed, do things around the house instead of staying in bed curled up in a fetal position, racked by fear, and I’m regaining interest in things like hobbies I’ve practically abandoned. My sleep patterns are still abnormal but I think they are slowly getting better. I attribute this to my daily regimen of exercises (yoga plus walking) as well as my medication starting to finally kick in, and of course, reading the many posts from so many of you helps so much, even if the situations described are not necessarily the same as mine, but seeing some of the struggles by the men here helps me feel that what I’m going through is not unusual.
So, as far as my body is concerned, I’m doing much better.
My mind, on the other hand, is still struggling. I woke up feeling extremely depressed and discouraged for no apparent reason. Things still look bleak to me and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’ve wasted my life and now I’m damaged beyond repair. I am STILL obsessing about my T, arguing with him inside my head, because I feel utterly unheard. Rationally speaking, I do KNOW that he’s heard me several times, and when he doesn’t, it’s not out of malice, it’s simply because for whatever reason, he doesn’t get it, but he tries the best he can. Problem is, that this isn’t good enough for me. I’m guessing it’s my inner child trying desperately to speak up and feel heard and validated and he just won’t quit trying, but he’s unable to articulate (to me or to my T), what is it that is so important to say and to be heard. Yes, there’s been a few instances where I could legitimately claim that he doesn’t get it, but the exaggerated amount of energy I’m putting into this seems to me that it’s about something much, much deeper that I may not be ready to deal with.
Trying to be objective, my T is doing everything he’s supposed to be doing, with very sound reasoning, and putting his best effort in working with me, and yet I’m putting up a nuclear war over details that by themselves are not all that serious. I’ve been trying to journal extensively about this, trying to distill what is it that I want, and damned if I knew, I can just speculate. All I know is that my feeling is “I’m not being heard, I want my words to matter and make a difference”, and I’m struggling to accept that yes, I’m being heard (most of the time) and that yes, my words DO make a difference (most of the time), but also that sometimes I’m NOT being heard and that my words AREN’T making a difference, but this doesn’t mean I’m being abused or neglected or shamed, it simply means that people, being human, will make mistakes and can’t always be fully present for me, just like I myself make mistakes and can’t always be fully present for others. Cognitively I understand all of this, but that obsessive part of my brain doesn’t seem to be able to accept this, so it keeps fighting. It’s an exhausting fight that’s been taking a toll on me. I wish I knew how to resolve this inner conflict, because there’s no way I can relate/communicate effectively with others if I’m not clear with myself as to what are my true needs and find a way of articulating them.
So, I’m functioning at two levels, the body part is definitely doing much better, but the mind part is lagging behind, and I would even say, resisting the efforts at healing.
I can only hope that this is normal in the recovery process.
