Weight and Why

Weight and Why
T

The Seeker

Registrant
Hey Guys,

I was talking to my T about my weight problem, and I wondered where others were at. I am overweight. I like to eat obviously, but the truth is I feel more comfortable being bigger. Clearly, this is a defense mechanism as we discussed. I have lost weight before, but gain it back. After considerable thought and discussion, I realized that I don't like to be noticed or complemented for my physique. People used to pay lots of attention when I was younger. I still think I am pretty good looking without the extra weight. I will never be small, but thinner sure. I just don't want to be noticed. The question is does it bother you when people notice your body, or compliment you? And if so, how have overcome that if you did? Just looking for advice.

Thanks.
 
Hmmm,

I have it the other way were I do not eat, and I am pretty skinny.

A lot of overweight people are that way because of past events, and they purposely make themselves unattractive in life.

I remember at work when I put both hands above my head to yawn, and my T shirt lifted to show my chest, and the girls in my office commented on my "toned" body.

I dont suppose it mattered to me, one way or the other, because relationships are so hard for me to make or keep, and I certainly need help with boundaries and touch.

I am a little better as I used to balk if I had anywhere near a big meal, and Christmas dinners are way to big for me to stomach.

Hope it helps,

ste
 
R2K,

That "toned" comment would probably freak me out. As a kid, I was smaller than most, but right after the abuse ended and puberty hit I really bulked up (not fat). I used to go without a shirt all the time and I really don't like too much clothing. BUT, my body just seemed to draw attention. I was big in the shoulders and arms without lifting weights. Even today, most people underestimate my weight by 40-50 lbs because of my frame. In sixth grade, while passing the middle school, a girl yelled out the window to compliment my behind. I still remember how that freaked me out, given that I thought I was sending out hypersexual brainwaves to the rest of the world. I gotta get over this.
 
Seeker,

I wonder if you are in a roundabout way blaming yourself for "attracting" abuse. I.e. "I was in good shape and that's what got me hurt". Now you don't want to be attractive and draw notice because of what this led to in the past.

If this is where you are at bro, then what you need to hear is that you had every right to an attractive body without fearing for negative implications from this. It was the responsibility of others to leave you alone. The blame for what happened to you belongs entirely to those who could not keep hands off.

Much love,
Larry
 
I think weight problems either way coupled with low self esteem are a conditioned response to trauma in childhood.

It is one of the many self abuse strategies we use to protect our boundaries, and even if they have passed their usefulness as kids, we still use them, and it is as addictive as heroin.

I am still hypervigilant in life, and dissociate at work which keeps me from going to work etc.

These old tapes need to be erased and the new tapes written into our lives by discussing it with a trained therapist, because you need to talk out fears.

I remember looking into the mirror constantly as a kid, and also spending so much time in front of the mirror before school thinking, whether all the kids would know that I had been crying.

I just felt like a worthless freak in society,

ste
 
Hi,

This is my first post in the MS forum.

The feeling in my body is basically dead or dormant. Working out helps me to feel. Also, it's a "healthy" way to "hurt" myself, which I seem to enjoy on a simultaneously erotic/sadistic level. (I have an affinity for making myself bleed with safety pins and picking at myself until the skin tears. My torso is riddled with scars).

I'm a binger. Binge at the gym. Binge in the kitchen. The beauty of lean body mass is it elevates the metabollic rate even at rest. I used to be somewhat "fat" when I was 19, but replaced this fat with muscle during college and reached 250lbs by my late 20's (I'm 41 and 230-235 now).

My self-esteem appeared to elevate in proportion to the consistency of my workouts; however, I continued to struggle with the discomfort I felt at times by the attention I received.

Partly, because it makes me feel like a slab of meat. And partly because I didn't "see" myself as the Rambo-type [for lack of a better term]. Comments at bars like, "Damn, I would hate to get you mad at me." Oh, and the inevitable egomaniac with an inferiority complex that insisted on arm wrestling me right there in the bar. I hated that. Sincerely. Finally, I devised an effective retort: "Why don't we see who can hold their breath the longest?" Heh.

Wearing silk and satin helped [and helps] me to feel on both an emotional AND sensual level and I always felt shame and guilt about this. A muscular young man with a profound feminine side. I saw myself as a mass of contradictions living a lie. Using my physique as a mask to hide the real me. My true desires. Internal battles associated with crossdressing experimentation.

Ironically, I've discovered that although I have, at times, an adverse reaction to the attention, I seemed to perpetuate it by the way I dressed. For example, tight jeans and shorts were in for men in the 80's irregardless of sexual orientation. Also, tight shirts were cool too.

I had a tendency to sexaulize myself and then lament the fact that I was viewed this way. In other words: I'm not completely "innocent" in this matter. I brought some of it upon myself. For better or for worse.

Michael
P.S. I kind of vascilated between the past tense and the present tense in this post. I apologize for this.
 
Ammendment to my post: It should read "erotic/masochistic" level. NOT "erotic/sadistic" level. I've never physically injured another person in that context.

Thank You,

Michael
 
Seeker,

Yes - weight is indeed a big problem for a lot of survivors

I myself am overweight now (225 and should only be about 165 the docs say - but I'd be plenty happy to be 180) - I was'nt always heavy though - untill my highschool years I was indeed quite skinny (caused by poverty level eating) - I worked very hard as a child - I was quite muscular even though I have a small frame - but I hated any attention being payed to my body - I guess I overcame that problem by packing on the pounds...

to be honest - I still have trouble taking compliments (not that I get them very often any more) - guess I still got lots to work on in that area...

TJ jeff
 
TJ,

The best advice I've heard regarding the receiving of compliments was this: "Just say 'thank you' and shut the hell up." :-)

Michael
 
Larry,

I did blame myself for years. I was sure there was something about me that broadcast signals. I know many of us probably felt this way. I know it wasn't my fault. I never let people know that their comments trigger me. Sometimes though, people will touch me. Maybe it shouldn't be a big deal to me, and usually it is just my shoulders or arms. BUT, it bothers me. I just don't want to seem like some lunatic by pulling away and saying, "Hey, get your hands off me!"

I was telling my T that I used to have lots of older girls and women compliment me and talk about me. I should have been flattered, but I thought I was sending out whore-signals, and I got that from guys too which was even worse. Some of my best friends as a teenager used to grab my nipples as a running joke. The more I complained, the more they did it, and the more I was sure that I had cast some sexual spell on everyone. I hated playing shirts vs skins sports, but I loved to play the game. I always called shirts to avoid baring my torso. Now, when I get noticed, my mind goes right back to those early days and I freak out. How does one get over this type of thinking?
 
I always been less weight, and train sport very much. I do not know why, I do not like people to look at me as a man, or as a person, I do not like people to notice me, but then sometime, I really wish for it also. But for long time, when I was growing more, I would just not eat, I would save my money and just not eat, or if I do eat, I would throw up. I think I knew, I needed food, but maybe did not care? And that it was control thing to me. I think I was hoping if I fall over from not eating, have to go to doctor or hospital or something, my parents would worry of me and come take me back home. Even now, if I am sick, or in pain or just not feeling so good, I have very hard time to eat. But do not throw up almost ever anymore, so I think that is good change.

andrei
 
Seeker,

That sounds to me like a variation of the trap where we think of ourselves as "abuse magnets". I.e. the abuse occurred because we somehow attracted the one who abused us. Some would defend this thinking, but I am entirely against it because it basically implies "I got what was coming to me", = "I deserved it". In your case, you blame your body itself for attracting abuse. In a way, you are saying "It wasn't my fault, this happened because of my body." It looks like a way of wondering can it be true that I am just a sexual "thing". If you feel that way it would not be surprising. Many of us have felt that; we were, after all, used for someone else's sexual gratification.

You say "I know it wasn't my fault", but then you continue to write about all kinds of confusing doubts. My way of looking at that bro, is to think okay, what I know intellectually and rationally doesn't necessarily overrule the feelings I have at an emotional level. It's like suffering the loss of a loved one and someone comes up to you and says, "Don't be so sad, it's better this way". Okay, maybe so. But you would still need to grieve! We may know something at a rational level, but that may not be very helpful as we try to process it emotionally.

You ask "How does one get over this type of thinking?" How indeed! The problem is that it is so complicated and involves so many factors that differ from one individual to another. I personally think I benefit a lot from discussing these issues here, but at the end of the day this is the sort of work where your T will be of great benefit to you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Andrei,

I do not know why, I do not like people to look at me as a man, or as a person, I do not like people to notice me, but then sometime, I really wish for it also.
Click to expand...
Can I suggest that this is a classic example of how the idea of the inner child can really help us?

Little Andrei went off to sports camp to train as a skater and it was important that his body be in absolutely the best condition possible. But where did that end? Abuse by an adult he trusted and by others as well. Of course he fears at the idea of being noticed or admired now.

Big Andrei, however, is the young adult that boy became. He is the one training and performing and competing now. What is competition, if not a contest for attention and recognition??!! This is his life. He has every reason to want attention and recognition, and every reason to feel proud when it comes.

The trick is to get these two back in contact again. Weight and eating are important to both aspects of Andrei now, but for different reasons.

Just some thoughts bro.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

You might be right. I intellectualize everything. Maybe, I really haven't let all that go. Lots of things went into this besides the SA. The comments from others. People used to say that I was too pretty to be a boy when I was young, which only made the SA and confusion worse later on. Then, after the abuse and onset of puberty, I was more muscular than my classmates which drew their attention and comments. Girls noticed, but I was afraid of their attention. Beer solved that problem. Generally, I got noticed by older girls, not my same age. One neighbor told my mother I was so handsome she wanted to rape me. She was like 30. How weird is that? I think I need to really dig deep here and let some bad things go. T says I need to understand that I am grown now, and have better boundaries, and more control. My body is just that, my body, and nobody else's. I am safe. I don't think this will be easy somehow, but I am going to work on it. Again, suggestions would be great!
 
Seeker,

Rational intellectual answers are not bad; far from it, we do have to "make sense" of things. But the rational answers are only part of the solution. They don't help us to accept and honor the truth that our emotional feelings bear. They tempt us to reject our feelings as wrong or silly, and therein lies the problem.

Your T has hit on the key point I think. Your feelings have carried into adult life a lot of how you felt as a boy, but of course you are not a defenseless child or vulnerable boy anymore. You are much better equipped to handle challenges now. The rest is down to the complexities of recovery. It takes time, but it does come...or so I am promised!!! :)

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

It is funny that you said I could handle challenges. Almost everywhere else in my life, I am self-assured and confident. At work, I am a warrior. At home, I'm a strong parent. With this, I am a frightened little boy! Jeez! You are right, it is all about how I feel and regressing back to my childhood days. It just seems silly that I am grown, but I can feel like a scared little boy. You'd never know it by looking at me.
 
Seeker,

You'd never know it by looking at me.
Click to expand...
Not by looking at you or any of the rest of us bro! That's part of the extremely elusive character of the idea of the inner child. It sounds like a lot of psychological babble, but then WHAM! You get it, and FEEL it, and there is no turning back.

Much love,
Larry
 
yeah i am overweight and thats good no one will like me or want me but it does have the problem of being noticed but i guess im not liked so that is good if they could see the scares that i have inflicted on my self they wouldn't like me either on my arms my legs my torso even on my penis cause that needed punishment too so being overweight is good in one way but bad in another
 
T,

Yes, being overweight has its downside too. I am not so overweight that I draw attention though. I am sorry to hear that you have scarred yourself to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault. We all beat ourselves up. It sounds like you are still struggling greatly, and I wish you peace as hard as it is to come by. Good luck in your journey toward healing.

Larry,

That inner child, that little boy, his name is Johnny. He is fighting hard. He deserves good things, the best in fact. Now, I feel like I need to transfer some of my adult power to him, to make him stronger and help him be brave. It is hard to look at old photos, but maybe that is what I need to do. I don't know, to love him more or accept him more, or something. Maybe to reassure him. Maybe, to help him rediscover the good moments he had and possibly build on those. The ones he thought he didn't deserve because of his dirty secret. The ones he thought were a dream, not reality. The ones that were disturbed because he knew something bad was around the corner. Just a thought.
 
To be honest, I've been putting off posting on this one because it hits so close to home. In a life that's so out of our own control, we control what we can. Food is something that fits so many different purposes--the comforter, the punisher, the rebellion--it's hard to fit one reason over food. But it's so much about control.

In my family it swings from one extreme to the other. My grandpa forced food on everyone. I would watch as he'd make my dad eat more and more, putting piles of food in front of him. My dad ate it, and it disgusted me. My grandpa's sister was anorexic, a walking skeleton who ate just enough to keep her alive into her 70s. I chose her path. My dad stuffed his face, and I starved myself. I would be in control of my own body, so whenever I got in that mode, I'd never finish a plate of food, or I'd go vegetarian, or go no fat, no sugar, whatever. It was all just this demonstration in my own mind that I would not be like my dad, and that there was one thing he could not control about my body. Of course, then I went to razor blades and cutting, banging and bruising and stuff. It's all control and punishing my own stupid body for being this evil thing that I was attached to.

I talked to a really good therapist for about ten years. I slowly accepted that "the body" isn't evil. It didn't do anything. It was all about the abuse. It was about my uncle SA me, my dad controlling every aspect of my existence. My body didn't do anything to me, and the little boy inside of me definitely didn't deserve to starve or be cut. I was innocent. The body was innocent.

I've also come to realize that sex and food are closely related in abusive terms. I will control what does or does not enter my body--that type of thinking. I may control my food intake, but I can't seem to get a handle on sex addictions. I'm still trying to be the "pretty" boy who can control another man's eyes. Control, control, control.

Overweight, starving, addicted to everything--it's about the abuse. If I focus on the food and the sex and what I'm doing to myself, I'm completely missing the point and keeping myself distracted from the real problem. Whether I'm eating or not eating, I'm still living for the perps. It's time for me to let go and be who ForeverFighting is inside. Because (and this is hard to say--you should try it) inside, I am a good person. I am my body. It's me. I'm all grown up now, and it's OK. That little boy is me. If I go deep into my memories and deal with what those perps did to me, how they trained me and made me someone I wasn't, as I look at the reality that I was damaged but I'm still a good person, then the symptems--the food, the sex, whatever--lessen in their power and control.

Take care of yourself, Seeker. You deserve a good life.
 
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