WebCam

[bryn89]

There are videos of me out there, I know that for sure. Even at the time it was happening, some of the guys I knew from the chat rooms I used told me as they'd seen clips of me being shared in forums and on peer to peer networks. And at the time I found that incredibly exciting. There were guys all over the world watching me, not just the ones who watched me live, but strangers, maybe in the thousands. I was famous, and it was thrilling.

It started when I was 11, when my mother's boyfriend bought me my own PC. It was a way of keeping me out of their way, I understood that, but I didn't mind at all. No-one else I knew at that point had their own computer, and though cell phones were around they hadn't become as ever-present as they are now. I immediately started watching and hoarding pornography - straight, softcore stuff at first, before moving onto more extreme material, including gay porn. I became addicted very quickly. 

The idea to start performing on camera myself was entirely my own. I can't pin that on anyone else. I even shoplifted a webcam with that plan in mind. I know there were deeper psychological reasons, but more than anything I vividly recall wanting to somehow experience all those forbidden acts and sensations I was watching. That first night I tried several cam sites, and eventually found a Russian one which didn't need a login to broadcast. Within minutes I had over 70 viewers, and was receiving messages faster than I could read them. Despite that it was clear what they wanted me to do, and I didn't need any encouragement. I'd reached over 200 viewers in about 10 minutes when I was abruptly blocked.

One of the messages I'd received directed me to a chatroom, and after setting up an account and lying about my age I joined it. There were about a dozen people already in it, and unlike the Russian site where anyone could watch, they had to send a request to view me. Almost immediately I received one from the guy who had messaged me on the Russian site. He asked for a private show. More requests quickly followed, as well as invites to watch their cams. I didn't sleep at all that night, and suffered for it the next day at school when I could barely stay awake. It was a pattern that would play out for the next two years. I'd be on cam for hours almost every night, trying to survive on 2-3 hours sleep. I had several dozen "fans" I could almost rely on watching me on any given night, and many many more who would watch me anonymously. Some people tried to "save" me, but for every one of them there were more that encouraged me to keep going further. Others wanted to meet me in person, and though I was tempted I had at least a little sense, and I never went that far. 

Like I said, when I heard that somebody had been recording me and sharing the videos I thought it was exciting at first. It was only after about 18 months that I started to seriously consider the possiblity that I might be identified, but even that didn't stop me for a while. In fact the thought that any stranger on the street might have seen me performing was at least as exciting as it was frightening. But eventually the fear got the upper hand. It wasn't overnight - I suppose I just gradually came to my senses.

Looking back almost 20 years later, my main focus has been what drove me, and dealing with the associated shame and guilt. The fear of being "found out" has receded, but it hasn't gone away entirely. And it's only recently that I've really started to think about those men who watched and encouraged me. Do I blame them? They certainly took advantage of my confusion and naivete, but was it really abuse? 

I'm married now, with 2 young kids, and I've never spoken to anyone about this period of my life. But I'm starting to think I need to.

 

[Esterio]

hi bryn

I would just ask you if you found out one of your kids was exposing themselves and being encouraged by a bunch of dirty old men that are not at all concerned about the kid at all.

Would you think that was abuse of a minor? I think so you were exploited and anyone who has those pictures on their computers would be sent to jail for kiddy porn. Of coarse it was abuse and exploitation of a minor.

I hope you are safe now. Thanks for having the courage to come and share.

Esterio

 

[i-m-Bri]

bryn89,

I agree with you, I think you need to talk about this. And this is a great start!
Congratulations.

My opinion is they abused you. Paying doesn't make it OK. They were adults, you were not. They were encouraging a boy to do something that was detrimental to himself! They didn't care about you, they used you for their own greedy needs.

I am so glad you never met anyone in person.

 

[bryn89]

No-one ever paid me for performing. I did hear that someone was asking for money for my videos on a forum, but it never really occurred to me to ask for money myself. Even if it did, I couldn't have worked out how to do it without meeting in person. In fact some people did offer money to meet in person but like I said, I instinctively knew that was too risky.

 

[derrick]

Bryn89

its great that your joining for forum.

feel free to use this as a tool

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi bryn89

I’m glad you joined MS and you feel safe enough to share your earlier experiences. To answer your question “Was it really abuse?” I would say without a doubt the answer is YES. MS is a good place to begin the discussion.

When an 11 year old has risky naive behavior, the “adults” who eagerly take advantage of the sutuation are no more than abusers. The idea that an audience quickly developed and asked for more just proves that predators have no concern for anyone else besides themselves. It’s good it only took a few months for you to realize what this could lead to.

Best wishes as you continue to process this.

Blue

 

[Older1]

Hey bryn89: Hopefully your mother got rid of that boyfriend of hers. He had no sense of responsibility at that time. He was getting you out of the way; meanwhile you were a vulnerable 11 year old, feeling put aside, and naturally needing and wanting attention.
Sadly, your mother likely did not seem to help you in your state of aloneness either. You did what you could; you found another world. I'm sorry that the other world was not worthy of you, and I'm glad that you now see things in an enlightened way.
Note that "neglect" is another form of abuse.

 

[bryn89]

Thanks for the replies and support. I had to step back for a while as writing about it felt a bit too real. It's so confusing. For all the regret and worry, I can still recall the excitement I felt at the time so vividly. It sometimes still excites me if I'm being honest. That's really hard to sort out. It feels so messed up.

 

[manipulated]

I hope you find a good T and discuss and sort this out. Especially with your own young children I can't imagine trying to do the work on your own. You have made a great start by coming here and laying it all out in this post and in your survivor story. Good for you. Now use the tools available here and find a good T. For your kids if not for you.

 

[JayBro]

Hey bryn89,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. However, I am encouraged and glad that you have found this forum and have taken the first steps towards your recovery process. A very very similar story happened to me when I was a kid involving the internet, webcams, and countless abusers, as well as a very visceral memory of what it all felt like. Thus far, I have seen little material or stories from other survivors of this form of media-based CSA - and this 21st century cyber kind in particular.

When I was 13 (so 2004) my family bought a webcam for our home desktop computer which sat right in front of my bedroom. We had recently moved into a new town and I didn't have many close friends nor a social life outside of school hours. As I was required to be at home (and often alone) and later split my time just between working part-time, school, and being at home. I knew that I was gay and my family was very homophobic at the time; I was alone for my sexual, emotional, and social growth with no one to talk to. Like you, I quickly discovered porn and felt excited by it, wanting to experience sexual contact with other males. As a young, naive kid, I didn't know any better. I went on chatrooms (I don't even recall which ones anymore) and within minutes found adult men who were interested in webcaming with me or simply having me perform for them. I felt excited by it at the time, confusing it with normal sexual experiences and experimentation. Because of the fear of being discovered and an overwhelming sense of shame, I didn't say anything to anyone. I would cam for a solid base of some men, but also had dozens and dozens (I estimate at least 100-200) of men who would contact me and have me perform for them over the years. Sometimes they also turned on their cameras and microphones and I have some vivid memories - certain accents or physical features, types of glasses etc remind me of those perps.

This went on for hours at a time, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week, for 6 years.

It only stopped once I moved out of the house for university. The whole time I didn't have any sexual experiences with real-live peers, no kisses, no dates... but playing roles and following the orders of countless men all around the world. I don't know if they were recording, but I don't doubt that it happened now and again. Like you, I also never thought of asking for money and I also had some men offer to buy me bus and flight tickets to travel to meet up with them. I always refused this- how could I, at 13, 14, 15, 16, or 17 years old travel to other countries and days at a time without family noticing?

Sometimes felt "powerful", that I was controlling or taking advantage of these men- hearing them moan and orgasm for example made me feel "skilled" or "dominate" for being able to make an adult man so weak and vulnerable in those moments. Some talked to me a lot about their lives, what they feared, and what they were "putting on the line in order to 'go online'" so to speak. They obviously knew that what they were doing was illegal and that's why they always covered up their identity, or revealed just one thing about themselves like their face, their voice etc.

I developed a really strong paranoia and traumatic disorder from memories of the porn the men sent me, the stories they told me from their own lives, and the wishes and desires that they projected onto me, often with roles for me to play. I am still extremely triggered by it and find stuff all over the place such as on normal porn sites which remind me of the abuse, bring me back there, and that I find really questionable. I feel just as guilty as my perpetrators at times and hate myself. If it is information (such as reading the news or statistics on abuse), triggering porn, role-play sex dates now as an adult etc, I often go through unhealthy episodes of "re-exposing" myself and psychologically self-harming. I don't know what it is makes me do this to myself. I honestly feel like it is a form of self-harm; my good friend suggests that it could be a way for me to "change" what was done, to re-assert control of the situation or my past. But it is an insane and fruitless effort.

Although I initially sought out counselling for a few years, it stopped when I moved and that thought I made incredible progress. But I need the help again.

I never reported my perpetrators, was never contacted by police, was never helped as the abuse was happening... it feels in many ways that it is "intangible", didn't happen, and that there is no recourse for justice or closure. Like you, I also sometimes feel complacent in the abuse that happened to me; after all, I was the one who exercised agency and went online repeatedly, right? I was addicted to the "love" and attention I received and had no other outlet for my sexual and social development...

Although I have had now countless real-life dates and sexual experiences, I have never had a boyfriend or long-term relationship, which is actually something I really want. When I am having healthy, positive sexual experiences with someone, I often think about my abuse and find it difficult to be intimate and in the moment with that person. A bit part of my soul is missing and I am such a damaged person.

I dunno if you can relate to much of what I wrote, but I am always there if you need to chat or rant. I hear you and understand you.

 

[Mick74]

Hey bryn89,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. However, I am encouraged and glad that you have found this forum and have taken the first steps towards your recovery process. A very very similar story happened to me when I was a kid involving the internet, webcams, and countless abusers, as well as a very visceral memory of what it all felt like. Thus far, I have seen little material or stories from other survivors of this form of media-based CSA - and this 21st century cyber kind in particular.

When I was 13 (so 2004) my family bought a webcam for our home desktop computer which sat right in front of my bedroom. We had recently moved into a new town and I didn't have many close friends nor a social life outside of school hours. As I was required to be at home (and often alone) and later split my time just between working part-time, school, and being at home. I knew that I was gay and my family was very homophobic at the time; I was alone for my sexual, emotional, and social growth with no one to talk to. Like you, I quickly discovered porn and felt excited by it, wanting to experience sexual contact with other males. As a young, naive kid, I didn't know any better. I went on chatrooms (I don't even recall which ones anymore) and within minutes found adult men who were interested in webcaming with me or simply having me perform for them. I felt excited by it at the time, confusing it with normal sexual experiences and experimentation. Because of the fear of being discovered and an overwhelming sense of shame, I didn't say anything to anyone. I would cam for a solid base of some men, but also had dozens and dozens (I estimate at least 100-200) of men who would contact me and have me perform for them over the years. Sometimes they also turned on their cameras and microphones and I have some vivid memories - certain accents or physical features, types of glasses etc remind me of those perps.

This went on for hours at a time, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week, for 6 years.

It only stopped once I moved out of the house for university. The whole time I didn't have any sexual experiences with real-live peers, no kisses, no dates... but playing roles and following the orders of countless men all around the world. I don't know if they were recording, but I don't doubt that it happened now and again. Like you, I also never thought of asking for money and I also had some men offer to buy me bus and flight tickets to travel to meet up with them. I always refused this- how could I, at 13, 14, 15, 16, or 17 years old travel to other countries and days at a time without family noticing?

Sometimes felt "powerful", that I was controlling or taking advantage of these men- hearing them moan and orgasm for example made me feel "skilled" or "dominate" for being able to make an adult man so weak and vulnerable in those moments. Some talked to me a lot about their lives, what they feared, and what they were "putting on the line in order to 'go online'" so to speak. They obviously knew that what they were doing was illegal and that's why they always covered up their identity, or revealed just one thing about themselves like their face, their voice etc.

I developed a really strong paranoia and traumatic disorder from memories of the porn the men sent me, the stories they told me from their own lives, and the wishes and desires that they projected onto me, often with roles for me to play. I am still extremely triggered by it and find stuff all over the place such as on normal porn sites which remind me of the abuse, bring me back there, and that I find really questionable. I feel just as guilty as my perpetrators at times and hate myself. If it is information (such as reading the news or statistics on abuse), triggering porn, role-play sex dates now as an adult etc, I often go through unhealthy episodes of "re-exposing" myself and psychologically self-harming. I don't know what it is makes me do this to myself. I honestly feel like it is a form of self-harm; my good friend suggests that it could be a way for me to "change" what was done, to re-assert control of the situation or my past. But it is an insane and fruitless effort.

Although I initially sought out counselling for a few years, it stopped when I moved and that thought I made incredible progress. But I need the help again.

I never reported my perpetrators, was never contacted by police, was never helped as the abuse was happening... it feels in many ways that it is "intangible", didn't happen, and that there is no recourse for justice or closure. Like you, I also sometimes feel complacent in the abuse that happened to me; after all, I was the one who exercised agency and went online repeatedly, right? I was addicted to the "love" and attention I received and had no other outlet for my sexual and social development...

Although I have had now countless real-life dates and sexual experiences, I have never had a boyfriend or long-term relationship, which is actually something I really want. When I am having healthy, positive sexual experiences with someone, I often think about my abuse and find it difficult to be intimate and in the moment with that person. A bit part of my soul is missing and I am such a damaged person.

I dunno if you can relate to much of what I wrote, but I am always there if you need to chat or rant. I hear you and understand you.

@JayBro and (if you are still here @bryn89 i don’t have any wisdom to offer, but I am so glad you both told your stories here. No matter what you’ve done, you were children. Someone should have been loving you and giving you the attention and nurture to protect you from predators and from your own naïveté. You are valuable for who you are not for the pleasure you can give and I hope your journeys of healing are going well.

mick

 

[JayBro]

@Mick74 thank you so much for your kind words. I just saw them now and I really appreciate it. This past week has been a rebound of disassociating and re-traumatising behaviour brought on by stress and a feeling of rejection. Your words at this time mean a lot to me.

 

[mnbvc]

Hey bryn89,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. However, I am encouraged and glad that you have found this forum and have taken the first steps towards your recovery process. A very very similar story happened to me when I was a kid involving the internet, webcams, and countless abusers, as well as a very visceral memory of what it all felt like. Thus far, I have seen little material or stories from other survivors of this form of media-based CSA - and this 21st century cyber kind in particular.

When I was 13 (so 2004) my family bought a webcam for our home desktop computer which sat right in front of my bedroom. We had recently moved into a new town and I didn't have many close friends nor a social life outside of school hours. As I was required to be at home (and often alone) and later split my time just between working part-time, school, and being at home. I knew that I was gay and my family was very homophobic at the time; I was alone for my sexual, emotional, and social growth with no one to talk to. Like you, I quickly discovered porn and felt excited by it, wanting to experience sexual contact with other males. As a young, naive kid, I didn't know any better. I went on chatrooms (I don't even recall which ones anymore) and within minutes found adult men who were interested in webcaming with me or simply having me perform for them. I felt excited by it at the time, confusing it with normal sexual experiences and experimentation. Because of the fear of being discovered and an overwhelming sense of shame, I didn't say anything to anyone. I would cam for a solid base of some men, but also had dozens and dozens (I estimate at least 100-200) of men who would contact me and have me perform for them over the years. Sometimes they also turned on their cameras and microphones and I have some vivid memories - certain accents or physical features, types of glasses etc remind me of those perps.

This went on for hours at a time, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week, for 6 years.

It only stopped once I moved out of the house for university. The whole time I didn't have any sexual experiences with real-live peers, no kisses, no dates... but playing roles and following the orders of countless men all around the world. I don't know if they were recording, but I don't doubt that it happened now and again. Like you, I also never thought of asking for money and I also had some men offer to buy me bus and flight tickets to travel to meet up with them. I always refused this- how could I, at 13, 14, 15, 16, or 17 years old travel to other countries and days at a time without family noticing?

Sometimes felt "powerful", that I was controlling or taking advantage of these men- hearing them moan and orgasm for example made me feel "skilled" or "dominate" for being able to make an adult man so weak and vulnerable in those moments. Some talked to me a lot about their lives, what they feared, and what they were "putting on the line in order to 'go online'" so to speak. They obviously knew that what they were doing was illegal and that's why they always covered up their identity, or revealed just one thing about themselves like their face, their voice etc.

I developed a really strong paranoia and traumatic disorder from memories of the porn the men sent me, the stories they told me from their own lives, and the wishes and desires that they projected onto me, often with roles for me to play. I am still extremely triggered by it and find stuff all over the place such as on normal porn sites which remind me of the abuse, bring me back there, and that I find really questionable. I feel just as guilty as my perpetrators at times and hate myself. If it is information (such as reading the news or statistics on abuse), triggering porn, role-play sex dates now as an adult etc, I often go through unhealthy episodes of "re-exposing" myself and psychologically self-harming. I don't know what it is makes me do this to myself. I honestly feel like it is a form of self-harm; my good friend suggests that it could be a way for me to "change" what was done, to re-assert control of the situation or my past. But it is an insane and fruitless effort.

Although I initially sought out counselling for a few years, it stopped when I moved and that thought I made incredible progress. But I need the help again.

I never reported my perpetrators, was never contacted by police, was never helped as the abuse was happening... it feels in many ways that it is "intangible", didn't happen, and that there is no recourse for justice or closure. Like you, I also sometimes feel complacent in the abuse that happened to me; after all, I was the one who exercised agency and went online repeatedly, right? I was addicted to the "love" and attention I received and had no other outlet for my sexual and social development...

Although I have had now countless real-life dates and sexual experiences, I have never had a boyfriend or long-term relationship, which is actually something I really want. When I am having healthy, positive sexual experiences with someone, I often think about my abuse and find it difficult to be intimate and in the moment with that person. A bit part of my soul is missing and I am such a damaged person.

I dunno if you can relate to much of what I wrote, but I am always there if you need to chat or rant. I hear you and understand you.

I relate so much. Right after the abuse started I began to seek for older men to have sex with. I thought it would be easier. I thought that being a young boy would have been advantageous for me. I feel so sick to say this, now, because I understand what was wrong. For years I never had either a normal sexual behaviour. I was only interested in sex, I literally wanted to be raped, I became addicted to porn and masturbation and I gave up dating people because I was afraid to the idea of having a relationship and I thought that I would never be loyal. Now I'm trying to went over this

 

[Survivor78]

My explanation to the excitement and thrill you were going through is simple. You were not getting the proper attention in your home (because mom was busy with b/f) and most likely outside of your home. The attention was probably a massive thrill when you see dozens more people than your mother and b/f watching you and giving you "loving" attention.

The boyfriend obviously didn't care to have you around and single moms often attract the garbage men, because their "sexual market value" is low. I had a friend kicked out when he was 15 because the mom chose the boyfriend over him. He wasn't the greatest kid in the house, but for good reason - he saw different men come and go who didn't really give a crap about him.

Essentially it's the Mothers fault for allowing these men in. The biological father was actually a decent human being - but had a tragic car accident that left him mentally disabled. Instead of hanging on with him (he had money too because it was 100% the other drivers fault), she chose to ditch him and go through cycles of TRASHY men - subjecting her son (my friend) to this. Incredibly selfish women.....