Weak and triggering

Weak and triggering
A

alexey

Registrant
I am tired of life. I find it to be empty. I really do. Now I just want to say I feel some burden on me, and I do not feel I can bring it to the end. Honestly, I don't believe in myself.

I am afraid of what I have to do. I live one day at a time. Every day is depressed. I can hardly take a shower once a couple of days. I want to say that I am really weak. I am tired of being a straight soldier. I am not him. I have my own self, and it hurts.

I have recently taken a look at my old pictures, and I have done it to see the difference in my face and body before and after the abuse happened. What did I find? There is little difference. I almost always smile, or have a usual face. This means I have kept my secret hidden almost all the time. Alternatively, I accepted what was done to me and have never taken it as a hard matter. I see a usual face, smile, and I am in company on the many pictures! It's sadly funny. I am so lonely!

During the last ten years I was a good person. The fact is, however, that I am not. I hurt, and every day, starting from the morning, I accept what was done to me. I am tired of this fight against those ghosts.

I am crying, and I recall my last and only therapist; she allowed me to cry, and I cried at the many sessions with her. I would, but I can't force people to listen. I am afraid of being blamed, of laugher, and of misunderstanding.

I am sorry. I am not strong like somebody. I hope I'll be better tomorrow, and I hope I'll hurt even stronger.
 
Alexey it can be hard I know. We all know it.

And the last ten years. You have been a good person. Thing is the feelings are a result of the silence and the fact that you may have been terrified, like us all, that if someone found out you would be laughed at or shamed or looked at as a broken item.

Alexey you have taken an important step by revealing your past here and with a therapist. You are know someone to laugh at or deride or to ignore.
You are a guy who had something evil cover you with its slime and you were coerced by words to be made to feel it that is was you secret and if you tell it would be terrible for you.

Alexey have that damned bath every morning and treat it as a ritual to remove the slime. Not by scrubbing yourself raw but my a ritual act of cleansing. Treat yourself by making it something really good for you.

We all deserve it!!!
 
Alexey - when I hit rock bottom, I started to write lists of things to do. I tried to do one or two things off the list every day. Eventually it got to the point where I didn't need the lists.

It could be something as simple as washing up - at times I was waiting until I'd used every mug in the house before I'd bother to wash them.

Another example is to take a walk in the countryside (or park) - fresh air always makes me feel better.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Oh, thank you, Rik! I have walked in the countryside and watched mountains. It helps. I am still tired though. I have few clear thoughts in my head. The walk helped to come to a rest, but those emotions are still with me.

I like how you say "rock bottom." It's so true. On this point I have got a thought. I always try not to fall even lower. There is a feeling of trouble. How am I to be with the trouble feeling? I see the bottom, and I am scared!

Thank you!

Alexey
 
Alexey, please know that what was done to you does not change the good person you are. If you're thinking that being raped makes you less, it's no wonder you're depressed. But you're not less. Just hearing your story makes me angry at the people who did this to you. Please turn your anger outside where it belongs instead of inward at yourself.

Breaking the silence helps me every time I write about what was done to me. We all have "associates" outside here we stand next to and smile. The men here are different. We can pour out our hearts and tell them everything we feel, and they understand. I've been to "rock bottom", too. Please love Alexey. You are not what they tried to make you. Accepting yourself as being OK is the first step up out of the terrible depths. It's hard to feel that. I still have trouble with it, but it's true.

It wasn't your fault, Alexey. Take care of you. We're here to listen.
 
Alexy instead of looking down at the bottom of the pit, turn around at look up.

Even when it is overcast during the daytime, the sun is still there shining behind the clouds, just waiting to break through.

At night, the stars are always there twinkling in the night sky - just because you sometimes can't see them, doesn't mean they are not shining.

We survivors are a bit like that - sometimes we can't see anything for the clouds. There is something something strong that still shines in everyone of us.

Learn to shine again Alexey for you have done nothing wrong!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
For me, I describe it as drowning in the ocean, with the ocean being my feelings. I was sinking fast, wave after wave, I struggled and fought against the tide. Finally, I had to reach my hand out. At that point, I HE reached down and lifted me up...
 
Thank you, Mike, for your support. It means very much to me. It's so appreciable that you've suggested to me to care more about myself.

Darkheart, I really hope that the ocean will turn into another ocean of good emotions!

Alexey
 
Alexey
I think we need to hit rock bottom at least once, that way we can see things getting better.

And I'm sure they will.
Why do I say that? because you're here at MS.
That means you care about yourself, if you had simply given up you wouldn't have posted here would you?

I bet most of have been where you are today, and some of us will surely go there in the future.
But it's somewhere we pass through Alexey.

Take care.

Dave
 
Alexey I do understand how the pain can be so bad at times that you just want to screem . some times I hate the way that things are in my life. But theb there is no where to go but up when you hit bottem I use this sight to help my self . this sight is better that any doctor that I have found because We do know what you are feeling . I have ben there for almost 28 years it is a hard road but you will get through this and over tine it will become easyer ,It will neaver de compleatly gone but it will be easyer
The best thing that you can do is find time for you and you alone to do what you want to do .
 
Alexey,

There are days, there are times when we feel so worthless.

There are other times that we feel that we are not men because of what was taken from us, without us fighting back and smashing those who did us harm.

It is this rage that we feel, that we turn on ourselves, because we blame ourselves. I mean, who else CAN we blame.

I just reread what happened to you and the same thing stuck me as the first time that I read your story...your brother was there. YOU WERE PROTECTING YOUR BROTHER.

Can you imagine what would have happened if you had said, "no?" They would have gone after your brother.

So, while you may have difficulty believing it, you're a hero for protecting your brother. It's just that those hidious events have caused you to not remember what was at stake. You both could have been killed. They probably did this to other kids, and maybe they did kill them.

Alexey, you were a brave boy to do what you had to do and to protect your brother.

One of the guys here has said that they are grateful for the brave young boy that has brought him this far. He went on to say that he wanted to honor that brave boy by finishing what he started, protecting him. He wants to finish therapy and recover, for that boy, what is his to have...a life with dignity and self esteem.

Alexey, it is tough, don't try to tell yourself that it should be easier. It can be dark, but we're here to help one another to shine the light where it needs to shine, those hurting places that need to be healed.

Keep posting, Alexey, even when it is hard. It will get easier, you will recover, you will have your life back.

Strength and courage,

David
 
David, Michael, Dave, Rick, Mike, Darkheart, ForeverFighting, and you who read this, I so appreciate your response. So many of you have supported me! I did not think I would feel such care. You have inspired me.

Thanks, guys. It really helps.

Although I have a low self-esteem, and have recently been sad, I receive an impulse of love from you. This love can make me more just to myself.

Yes, I often fail to treat myself as a man, and I am weak to put my energy in doing that. Again, I'm weak to hate my abusers, as Dave once said about this effort, but there is hope after all.

My depression is not endless. I hope I'll treat myself better. I still try to dig into some activity, forgetting myself, and end up in where I started. Nonetheless, I do something.

Alexey
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top