We cleaned out the garage... (maybe trigger?)

[Sick Puppy]

Most of our family's old stuff is stored in my uncle's garage. A lot of it is just crap that no one needs so we were organizing it and deciding what we wanted to throw out. There wasn't a whole lot of stuff left over from the eras in which I lived with my mother because we never really had much stuff to begin with but there was one box with some of that stuff in it. It was kind of pathetic to look at it. There were two really scraggly dolls that used to belong to my sister... both of them were naked, she never had any clothes for them. There was an eggbeater, which made me sad, because I remember it used to be my toy. I guess I just picked it up from the kitchen and decided it was fun to play with. I really loved that eggbeater... I even named it, but I can't remember what its name was anymore. It made me feel kinda warm though that someone (probably my father) thought to save it and pack it up. There were also a couple report cards... my sister's, As and Bs, mine, Ds and Fs, of course. Then there was this little baby's outfit, I don't know what they're called, but it was one of those ones that's all one piece and it has feet on it and a zipper up the front. It was blue and made out of that kinda waffle-looking material that sometimes they make pajama pants out of. It had this little giraffe patch on the front... it looked really old and ratty.

I must have worn it when I was one or two, and I don't have any memories from that time. I'm pretty sure it's normal not to remember that far back. Sometimes I get a little flash of a memory where I'm lying in the bathtub that we used to use for my crib, before my sister was born... but that's it, really. Seeing this little outfit didn't really trigger any memories but it just made me really sad. How could anybody hurt the little boy that wore that thing? It was so small... the little boy that wore that was tiny, he was defenseless, he was completely at the will of those around him. When I was that young... it couldn't have been my fault, could it? Maybe it was my fault once I got older but when I could still fit into that outfit there was no way I could have defended myself...

I took the little outfit and brought it to my room to look at it some more because I felt weird doing it in front of my uncle. I put my fingers over that little giraffe patch and then out of nowhere I cried. I felt ashamed of myself afterwards but I wonder if this was some sort of a healing moment because of the revelation that it couldn't have been my fault when I was so tiny...

 

[MrDon]

I would agree with you that it was a very healing moment for you, painful, but healing. And sometimes things like this help remind us that no little kid at that age could possibly stop what was being done to us. At times I have to consider the same thing because I want to think through my adult mind that I could have stopped everything and yet I was not an adult, I was a little boy, just a few years old when all HELL broke loose on me!

Don

 

[Lloydy]

How could anybody hurt the little boy that wore that thing? It was so small... the little boy that wore that was tiny, he was defenseless, he was completely at the will of those around him. When I was that young... it couldn't have been my fault, could it?

Treasure that baby suit Josh.

Dave

 

[The Dean]

Hi Josh,

What a wonderful find for you. Like Dave said, keep it, treasure it. You may find that it will help to hold that little pj's and cry as much as you want. No need to be ashamed, lots of reasons to be proud that you can cry for you when you were so tiny.

That little boy was a darling little tyke. Now the big Josh is a loveable and good young man. There is lots more growing to do and it will all be the continuum of the life of that little boy who wore that suit or pj's or whatever they are. You are a man now Josh, you are no ones sex toy now.

Bob