We broke up :-(

[healinglove]

I found out about my boyfriends CSA back in October 2014. Since that time we had been in therapy to discuss our situation and where we were going in our relationship. I could always tell something was wrong with him but it took him years of being comfortable with me to come forward with his truth. I really tried to do everything I could to help him the best way I new how. I joined this site, read books and encouraged therapy. He's decided after 3 years he doesn't want marriage or children and I am devastated. I did the breaking up because I knew I do want those things. For the last three years he has been telling me that too. Is this a character flaw he personally has or have other relationships of CSA gone through these troubles? He promises to stay in therapy which I want him to do because I want him to be happy and whole and be accepting of the love that others can give to him. I love him so much and I never wanted this for us but I've come to the sad conclusion that I am not in control here. The demons that control his mind won't rest. I hope that someone out there can at least tell me something happy so that I know in the future my ex will learn to love himself. Is that a possibility for him, if he himself wants to change?

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Serious Dave]

healinglove,

I'm very sorry that your relationship broke up. I think you are a wonderful, caring person for doing all you did to try to help him heal. It breaks my heart that he will be without someone who cares so deeply for him. But, you must care for yourself first. You did the best you could with what you had to work with. That's all any of us can say, and that's enough.

You know, CSA is marked, in many cases, by all-or-nothing thinking. One of my versions is, "I feel bad today, so I've always felt bad, and I'll always feel bad." And, then something happens, like I think about someone who loves me, and I switch to, "I feel good today, so I've always felt good, and I'll always feel good." I guess my message in that is not to view anything in life as necessarily permanent. Maybe things just evolve along the way to what they were supposed to be all along.

The problem with CSA, in my opinion, is that the sufferer doesn't change because he thinks he doesn't deserve to; he doesn't love himself enough. He may dream along with his partner, but he believes he's not worthy to receive anything, even the love that a partner like you may pour out on him.

Can CSA'd people change? My answer is a most emphatic YES! But, it isn't easy. I have changed dramatically over the past 10 years and even in the past few months since the discovery of my CSA. The next obvious question is, how? For me, it was with the love of God, but it was also with the love of many here, and the love of a wonderful T, in addition to loving myself enough to educate myself about it.

Love is the treatment for CSA, but sometimes so much is needed that one person can't provide it all. I lost my marriage because both my wife and I were CSA'd. I don't live with her now, but I can still love her by doing the best I can with what I have, and that's enough.

Sending you peace and love at this most difficult time,

Dave

 

[PhantomMuse]

Dear Healing Love,

I read your post, and the love you carry for this man is so very apparent. So, too, is the love you have for yourself. I don't really have additional wisdom to add to Mishka and Dave's words as they both say so much, but I wanted to offer my support to you as you travel this difficult part of your journey. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[healinglove]

Thank you all for the help here. I want to express my gratitude for the help that you have helped me over the passed few months. I feel lucky to have found you all. I appreciate the prayers and thinking for me and I will be praying for my ex as well. As much as I would love for us to be together the main focus I have is just for him to be happy with himself. I know he loves me and I love him and I just have to keep hope alive that things will get better in time.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi healinglove,

I'm so sorry to read of your breakup. It's especially sad because it seems there's so much love between you two. I hope you re-read and take to heart what Mishka and Dave have offered. A lot to consider.

There's a song I've always liked, with these words:
A bell's not a bell til you ring it,
A song's not a song til you sing it,
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay
Love's not love til you give it away.

Love wasn't put there to stay, immoveable, never changing. It isn't always just one way, final, that's it. It seems to evolve, change and grow. And I think you're on the right track to keep hope alive. There's the familiar thought "For CSA survivors to make change they must do it themselves. But, they can't do it by themselves." And your boyfriend is pretty fortunate to have someone so caring and understanding willing to help with the long slow journey of healing.

The Mishka plan may sound like, "eh, who cares?" But that's not it at all. It's caring, concern, loving and understanding coupled with a realization that each partner has needs which may not always be compatible. I remember so vividly when I was about to marry (for the second time) my mom said, "I'll give it six months." At the time six months was probably a pretty optimist timeline. But here it is 45 years later. And I think one of the not-so-secret secrets is that she maintained her life and had standards that may or may not have been what I could deal with at the time. But change, I did. We both did.

Best wishes for the future. My prayers and thoughts are with you both.

CJ