Relationship Issues We Are Not Alone
I'm engaged in the painful and terrifying process of stepping back from a relationship with my former wife that has sustained me for decades. It was her feeling of betrayal over two years ago when I spoke about my use of pornography over the years that prompted me to begin posting here. It was also the beginning of my third cycle of trauma work and it proved to be the most profound. My friend and I continued our engagement and while she set clearly defined boundaries our dance continued. It was only recently, that I was able to see the dynamics of our relationship are not healthy for me. Given that I was locked in a very destructive dance with my mother... trying to secure the love I needed but unaware of how her own brokenness made it impossible for her to give me what I needed, it is probably not a surprise that I've done the same thing again. My former wife is not unkind. I know she loves me and cares for my well being. Over the last year we've been immensely supportive of one another. I shopped for her and she invited me to do my laundry at her home and offered to cut my hair, which she has done for a year. But her feeling of betrayal kept arising in our interactions and it was only this week that I understood how painful it is to stand as her betrayer while I work hard to love and care for her. I saw that I kept trying hard to please her, as I had done with my mother.
I spoke with friends about this yesterday and one friend, a dear woman who knows me very well said she had previously mentioned to another person in our small group that were I her son she would have told me "you can't keep seeing that woman." It appears my friends saw how unhealthy this dynamic has been for me before I was able to see it. This thread is intended to acknowledge how important it is to have people in our lives who can witness what is happening and who can offer a fresh perspective when we're struggling. This is what happens here and I'm honored to share this journey with all of you. Saying farewell to a relationship this important is frightening but I feel I can take this risk because of the support I've received here and elsewhere in my life. We are not alone with any of this.
I spoke with friends about this yesterday and one friend, a dear woman who knows me very well said she had previously mentioned to another person in our small group that were I her son she would have told me "you can't keep seeing that woman." It appears my friends saw how unhealthy this dynamic has been for me before I was able to see it. This thread is intended to acknowledge how important it is to have people in our lives who can witness what is happening and who can offer a fresh perspective when we're struggling. This is what happens here and I'm honored to share this journey with all of you. Saying farewell to a relationship this important is frightening but I feel I can take this risk because of the support I've received here and elsewhere in my life. We are not alone with any of this.