waves of rage

waves of rage
A

ARW

Registrant
Anger today. At everything I see, everyone. Except my kid. Everyone's exploiting everyone, all the time. Know it's irrational, but that's what I see. Too much pressure. Never ends. Guess this is one of those days I'd usually binge. Just tired and sad and angry and fed up.

Maybe it's just the full moon.

Trying to trudge on. But the knot of my family is so tangled, how will it ever become unknotted? wife is frustrated, angry, mother is emotionally draining and in total denial. Pressure on me, as always to make it better for everyone. Want to check out. Used to. Can't now. Feel like I'm not even wanted here. Maybe everyone liked it when I left.

Could this all just be paranoia or does life really suck this hard?
Bit of both I suppose.
 
Bit of both, for sure! And you are definitely wanted here. People probably just don't know what to do with you yet. By starting down the road of recovery you have disturbed the previously calm waters of dysfunction in your world. Good for you! Now everybody has to make adjustments and they're probably a little pissed off at you for pulling them out of their comfort zones. Maybe not even consciously. Don't worry too much, a new healthier equilibrium will be established and to help you cope with that will be your new and improved chemical free brain. Give yourself a lot of credit for facing all this sober, And as my sponsor is always telling me: "More will be revealed".

Your buddy,
Roy
 
Thanks Roy.
yes, I have thrown a boulder into the water. Everyone is upheaved. Last night my mother, for the fourth time in as many times seeing her sober, made cracks all night about how she's lost her dinking partner. Had to laugh, that's not all she's lost. My wife is unsettled as well. I'm a daily reminder of how screwed up everything and everyone's been. Not that I'm any kind of saint now, of course. But it has thrown off the equilibrium of "trudging on" that existed before - with me as the central spoke in the wheel.
Feel better today. See how it goes. Trying to replace the support I gave before - being an enabler to everyone - with being more legitimately present and helpful to myself and my family. Ain't always easy. Sometime I can feel the pressure so intensely of "come back to the way you were".
The one thing I can take stock in is that I'm never going back to that role. This decision alone is enough to keep me going.
 
Try to see the light on the bright side of the moon. Remember that we all stare at the same moon every night...from where ever we are. The dark side of the moon is not very pretty. I've been there off and on for a while. Be well Stay well.
 
thanks orodo. today is better. not giving into the foul moods anymore. helps a lot. no great noble act on my part. just got fucking tired of them. decades of foul moods, destructive behavior, etc. burnt. as good a reason to recover and get my shit together as any.

as a general ramble: whoever put the avatar pictures up has definitely got a sense of humor. what Mark twain is doing here I have no idea. But good to have him. guess Huck Finn, etc. He was a classic crank, always fed up with the status quo. We know which side of the moon he resided on.

best to you,

-Al
 
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