Waves of Rage

[Wifey1]

A few more minutes before I go to cardiac rehab -- the rage inside of me has been building since last nite. It comes and goes -- keep striving for something positive --
and those ugly fucking thoughts of suicide creeping in... jeezus how easy it would be for me -- the temptation to call my therapist is strong, but its friday and late -- i am hoping some exercise can abate the adrenaline building in me...
but i hate that fuking rehab, with the fucking body builder kid who leads us in exercise -- i dont like or trust that snotty rich bitch with her happy ass miss positive attitude all the time, and her little unidentified few pvc's big whoopee shit we all got em .... i want to scream at them all, the manly man who RUNS on this treadmill, and why? is that just to show us up? make us feel bad ? what does he need rehab for if he can run and i struggle to shower?...
i hate that damn weigh scale that just shows me getting fatter and fatter --- laughing in my face when i only GAIN weight while I exercise & eat right ... points at me to say over and over -- you're a liar you're a liar... none of this is true , no one believes, they all discount me over and over and over....
why do i keep going on? WHY? I feel no love no passion anymore -- only rage, rage rage rage rage rage rage --- so much i have lost and they are sheep led to believe their lives will be perfectly fine with some exercise and eating right and a few more hundred dollars worth of miracle meds....
My Life has been a Sham and I still havent learned my lesson... why do I still wake the fuck up and go on? --- i tell myself 2 more years the kids will be done with college and then i can just go ahead and do the final thing....
rage that i could consider even giving in to not just the thoughts but the plans, ... rage i cant fucking control my body and God wont hear my pleas to take me.... punished punished -- fingers pointed at me disbelieved yet again and again
and no where safe to scream...
i put my make up on today --- but i want to fight i want to put up my fist and punch the living shit out of anyone.... and scared too --- scared i am gonna hit that snotty bitch with the happy ass insincere attitude ---
pleqse god dont let anyone talk to me today, ...
what the fuck am i so mad at what the fuck am i in such a rage over?... MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE, what a piece of shit
and on the battle field more cries are heard for mother than for God above....
i want someone to hit me, make me hurt make me scream, make me have a reason to fight back ... i dont know why i want to fiht fight fight fight
fight or die -- i cant fight, and am dying too slow
last year the rope was the temptation at the look out on the pa turnpike -- before the phallic symbol of the hose hooked to the tailpipe -- but i know now how..... its just a matter of time it just cant get h ere fast enough
so in between i am raging, to hurt to hurt anyone i can rageing and my stomach hurts from holding it in... i am scared i cant hold it in mluch longer.... i am gonna run that treadmill today and trip up mr asshole too, that shoul dlower a few folks cholesterol and rais some heart rates to norm.... fuck the beta blockers,
naw i aint i am chicken shit piece of shit
he asked do yuou need to be alone? want tme to come to you? want to come to my house?
NO I WANT TO NOT LIVE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LIFE!!!!

 

[Lloydy]

Wifey

My Life has been a Sham

Bollocks !! It's no sham, you care deeply for your Hubby and kids, you've had some kind of involvement in politics. You don't do all that and not care. If you TRULY didn't care you wouldn't be here ranting and raving like you do.
You care about others, that much you tell us, and they must care about you as well otherwise you'd be long gone. And you care about yourself, because you're going to ahve the treatment however much it pisses you off.

That aint no sham, that's strength and love.

Lloydy

 

[Sleepy]

Wifey,
My grandmother committed suicide before I was born. I never met her. Maybe I should say that again, I never met my grandmother. I don't know what she really looked like, how she talked, what kind of food she liked, how I resembled her, and who she really was. You get the idea. I miss her a lot even though I never met her. From what my dad is able to tell, she was a kind woman. There's just so much out there that you don't even realize. I'm sure my grandmother never thought I would be around. Besides her death had a huge impact on my dad which ultimatly has had a big impact on me.
mike

 

[Wifey1]

thanks Guys,
and better days -- ya'll know sometimes it just gets so hard & tho its disturbing to read the mind screw swirl -- I put them here, where they are safe and can be cared about rather than kept in my brain only to escalate to do Real Physical possible damage.
I did go to rehab, was taching so hard when I got there i sat down to rest, but passed out knocking my head on the wall while trying to hang my coat -- Mr Body Builder was there to pick up my butt.... still have a few weeks to determine if I am having electrical probs in ticker or if that is just my cataplexy that kicks in cuz i was so worked up--
one of my nurses from the old rehab bldg helped me dress & bandage -- i still get irked hearing the same old line of shit about "wow you have been thru so much", crikeys if they knew the whole picture beyond the physical i think their heads would explode (that actually might be fun to watch ,... nawww)-- anyway one of my co rehabbers was in a blue space so we talked a little -- told her it was ok to feel blue & she had every right to be tired!! miss happy ass came in & I just walked passed her but did say hello -- I did notice tho that miss happyass always keeps herself BEHIND me in group, I saw her on a machine & she was struggling as hard as me if not more -- I thought of all the years I still am picky about where I place myself in a group situation & how I used to ALWAYS pick the back behind the person who intimidated me the most, A score for me I dont do that anymore I MAKE MYSELF front and center (thank you to the politics and the abuse & forcing myself to face fear) I got to thinking maybe i scare her? maybe she is a sister in abuse & felt empathy creep into my steely heart ( yea its really made of steel too!) I managed all of rehab -- we had a security scare due to an unidentified van in the parking lot so we got locked in the bldg -- real fun huh when we had just increased the nat'l security status shit!
anytoo hoo -- i pushed tho hurting like hell screaming hell pain -- the running man ran -- but i didnt trip him, he was a fool & had run bare foot on his DeadMill the night b4 & his feet hurt, felt bad for him -- he was blue too i think. after work out he & i talked a lot just bullshit tho he was far too full of questions about me & my living status, & I felt so so so so so much better emotionally after the physical work out!!!
Ya know I always seem to manage to shoot my face off at the most inappropriate times not thinking -- the cool down room was quiet i mean no one was talking you couldnt even hear them breathing! I just blurted out "damn its so quiet in here its like a funeral!" -- well, everyone giggled out loud ahhhh the irony!
Mr Muscle & I were gonna meet for a beer later on but i was one pooped out chick so just zoned on TV ... feel better today... emotionally.
Sleepy, I made a promise not to commit suicide a long time ago -- cuz if i do then the bastards who tortured my psychy will win -- this is a game I intend to win-- i mean the reality is that we all die its natural cycle and am ok with that.
Its hard to see what I keep going for when my own "stinkin thinkin" gets going tho -- I know the worst thing I could do is give up on my kids, and hubby2 & I do hope for grandbabies some day.
Shoot I gotta see what color eyes those babies are gonna have!!! AND I want to rock them, and listen to my girls tell me the terrible two stories... and to be able to send scratchy gramma handwriting cards with five dollars in them...
The physical battle rehabing this time is harder than I can begin to explain -- has triggered so much of my sexual abuse & physical abuse ...
I erroronsly thought I had my abuses in a form of acceptibility -- but it is the journey, I am just on a new trail being blazed with this -- I think the prior years of T I must not have felt the incredible physical responses that I am feeling now? I felt the emotional stuff and even managed to survive that well as could be expected -- the Physical stuff is so new tho, so the exercise is a good thing for me on many levels.
AND I know that when I do get in a reasonable space I will be back into my community politics yet again !!
Hubby2 & I are planning on biking more this coming summer -- one of my favorite things to do is to sit on the back of that big bike engine roaring, and sucking in Gods art work!!
Hubby2 & I talked he said he has been having waves of rage too -- but felt it is directly related to work issues, the co workers got a talking to he surmised as they have laid off talking smack to him! Mostly Hubby2 & I have been spending time just being quiet together, sitting in the swing swinging, with sound bytes of snide remarks to pretty much every absurdity on the tv especially commercials....
I think Hubby2 & are at a point where we are learning & just becoming friends at this point... we started so fast in our relationship its as if we have rewound our relationship & are finally beginning to do the steps of what would be the developement of a "normal relationship"?
I think I am scared a little bit tho that we may never regain the passion part again? Tho' reality tells me that the passion part for us was a distorted sense for the both of us...
So -- I have babbled on enuff wanted to say Thanks for listening & caring...
Keepin on Keepin On ~ Peace, Wifey1