Watching Him Suffer

Watching Him Suffer
C

Cecilia

Registrant
Hi,

The weekend was horrible. I try to set some boundaries with my husband and he just falls apart and gets angry with me. I think that until his legal issues get resolved (which should happen soon) he is too frightened/traumatized to think clearly. But it is very, very hard to keep my family functional. He was angry all weekend, and then this morning he showed up at the house saying his chest hurt so much he thought he had to go to the ER. I tried to be gentle with him.

It is so hard to watch him. I have watched him do this to himself/me for so long.

I told him about this website. He was so interested in hearing the stories and advice, but he expressed anger that he is excluded from the site because he is not computer literate, nor can he write well. He is so smart and is so frustrated.

I think I am doing the right thing, though, in trying to set up some real boundaries.

Cecilia
 
Hi Cecilia, you can teach him to be computer literate! Unless you are running DOS, it is not that hard! If you can't teach him, make him go to one of those computer classes that the public libraries have.
About writing well, he don't have to! This site is not about whether he can put a sentence together correctly, nor is it about spelling! yes, spelling words correctly makes it easier for other people to read. That is why, I said to install the free Google toolbar. One its free, two it does not have advertising, three it has one of the best spelling checker for the price! I just used it, and it found seven misspelled words! I used to not want anyone to know that I could not spell! When your husband wants to talk bad enough, he will not care that he can't spell.

Cecilia, I dare you to print this out and give it to him!

Take care,
Clifford
 
alas for him cecilia, not knowing about computers is no longer an excuse - my dad started when he was like, hmm 82? :eek: and he's only had a 6th grade education (but reads a lot). my sister bought him one and he took off w/it, well, for an old-timer anyway! he pays bills online, can read his email but replying is a bit difficult, he does know how to browse the web.

learning how to browse this site will be easiest for your hubby so start there first. later as he learns the keyboard he can post his own.

as someone who has worked w/computers for a couple of decades now, and taught a LOT of novices, especially in the high-level corporate world, i.e., people who don't like to admit they might not know it all, i can offer tips for you: lots and lots and LOTS of patience, don't make him feel foolish because he did something incorrectly - we all start at the same level with computers, and we all feel just as foolish starting out something new. take it slow, show him a game or two - computer games were initially designed for the sole purpose of making people more comfortable using the computer, that's why they were always installed with the software.

if he gets frustrated and/or tired, let him walk away from it, try again later.

feel free to pm me if i can help at all.

best of luck!
indy
 
Cecilia,

Like the others I would say that lack of computer literacy isn't really a problem. It sounds more like he is using this as an excuse, and that I can understand very well indeed. It's a huge step to look at your abuse history and say I need help, I have to deal with this.

You refer a lot to high and intense emotions on his part. Boy, does that ever sound familiar. As I experienced it, the problem was that everything was coming at me at once. It was like standing in the middle of an emotional hurricane, feeling powerless and hopeless because I couldn't ever think where to begin.

I too think you are absolutely right to set some boundaries. This is good for him as well as for you. It helped me a lot to know I had a partner who was prepared to be clear and specific with me about such things. Otherwise that would be one more titem to add to the "who knows" list.

Much love,
Larry
 
i type with one finger !lol seriously i do and it takes me a long time to write even a short post ,but the healing is in the talking not in the spelling or grammer,when i read a post i look for the feeling behind it not for spelling or puncutation. this place is about feelings and helping ,being able to type 200 words a minute does not help you heal ,being able to type 1 word of truth and compassion is what ms is all about
 
Hi,

The reality I think is that none of this is about whether or not my husband can type.

He is unable to work and care for himself and so I have finally suggested that we live apart for a while.

I have tried to extend every offer of help to him that I know how to give.

But, he wants to hold on to the property that he owns and he doesn't seem to be able to hold a job.

For a long time, I have financed our family and kept things together and when he feels comfortable (fed, clothed, safe) he is able to open up a little bit . . .

But I am falling apart right now. I honestly don't know what to do. He is blaming me for his own self-destruction and I get so confused that I believe him.

He has come over to our new apartment over the past couple of days and said awful things in front of our children.

It is awful to say "No" to him, for I feel like I am destroying him. That is not my intention. At all. He is walking down a dark path and rejecting and blaming me for "making" him walk down it. But, my separating from him comes after weeks, months, years of trying to put a life together with him.

Has anyone else been through this kind of separation and come out the other side wanting their wife and children?

Cecilia
 
Cecilia-

His being computer illiterate is an excuse. Nothing else. Teach him how yo use the computer on something else- it may be a psychological barier he has related his feelings of inferiority- it may be a trigger for him- but at the end of the day it is an unhealthy excuse.

Find a way to teach him how to look up a site about something he likes and that kind of thing - let him build confidence with the machine....

I have a lot of PTSD triggers which prevent me from doing things which SEEM totally normal for adults- or even children, like I can not read language books - but I LOVE learning languages and i am good at it- it is PTSD...therapy helps, it also helps when i have someone to get the books with me and take me through the first chapter or two....crazy, I know, but with survivors, there are those things that are noraml that we were either cheated out of the skills and we try to hide it, or we are afraid because it is a trigger. You can read more about it if you read about borderline personality disorder...

Hope this helps
 
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