Wasted?

[Thomas]

I find myself doing again what I so often do, which is bemoan and bewail how I've wasted my life. It's so damn frustrating! I have a college degree and am quite intelligent. I have so much to offer employers (or so my therapist and friends tell me). Yet I am underemployed in a Macjob, part-time, barely over the minimum wage. Financially, I'm chin deep in a pile of very smelly dinosaur dung. I have a penchant to use anything and everything to anesthetize my emotions compulsively, from booze to masturbation to as innocent an activity as reading a science fiction novel (I'm one of the original Trekkies). The perpetrators' (my mother and grandfather) internalized voices continually badger and blast me about how thoroughly I've wasted every chance I ever got, how I don't deserve anything good anymore, if I ever did, and how useless and worthless I am. Their voices are so loud that I can't hear my little boy crying inside, I can't hear myself, and most importantly, I can't my Higher Power's voice of love and affirmation. I just feel like screaming SHUT UP!!!!!!

Thanks for listening to me vent.

 

[crisispoint]

Thomas,

I'm where you are (yes, in deep financial dung, raging, dulling the pain, the whole bit), and I want you to know I hear you.

Sometimes, it helps just to know others hear you scream. Well I do, bro. And I care about you.

I love you, Thomas. No strings. I care.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[theo]

that dung heap must stretch the length of north america because i am there with both of you

kind of a sad commentary on things. sorry, not very upbeat lately.

 

[Leosha]

It is strange, I think, how easy it is we believe the bad things of ourselves. I guess it is the 'programming', that we have been taught to believe all that, so it comes into our heads easier then good thoughts. How to change that way of thought, I do not know. I wish I could tell you something other then 'they are wrong' and 'it will get better'.