General Thoughts to Share Wasted Time
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Registrant
I sit in a weird place right now, something kind of kicked me a little today, and I felt I needed to share to get advice from others. I am finally stable in my life, ready to not be a lock away and see the world. This year, I hit a major age, I started a new career this year, and I am moving far away to be by myself in a new city I have never been to, After spending the last nearly decade in my own manufactured mental and physical prison in a small apartment. I was talking about the move with a parent today, who knows of some trauma but not all of it, and honestly dosnt know how to deal with it or act around me.
They out of the blue said "Dont worry about it, I dont need grandkids, I have come to terms with it" and I said "what", they said "you wasted the last decade of your life, you are too old now, I was too old when I had you and it broke me" Of course, I played it off as a joke, but it really hurt but also gave me some anger towards everything.
Now I sit kind of hurting sad, but also a little sort of angry. knowing I have spent the apparent best years of my life, locked away, upset, hurting, terrified to even go outside, letting myself destroy my health, avoiding and losing friends while not understanding it was because of the abuse. So right now I sit, wondering am I going to be alone forever, is it all really over, did my abusers steal the pinnacle time in my life where I should have been out exploring the world, building social skills and friendships, while they did that instead of me.
I know I am not, and I know I have a whole future ahead of me, but I do want to follow my purpose in life and I feel like daily because all those years locked away in my self-made prison of thoughts and fear has taken so much away from me, only leaving me with sub-par social skills, an inability to connect with people, trust issues and so much more that I discover every day.
Am I alone on this, do I deserve to be angry, am I a failure at life for locking myself away like this... there is so many emotions going on in my head right now, does anyone have any input on this?
They out of the blue said "Dont worry about it, I dont need grandkids, I have come to terms with it" and I said "what", they said "you wasted the last decade of your life, you are too old now, I was too old when I had you and it broke me" Of course, I played it off as a joke, but it really hurt but also gave me some anger towards everything.
Now I sit kind of hurting sad, but also a little sort of angry. knowing I have spent the apparent best years of my life, locked away, upset, hurting, terrified to even go outside, letting myself destroy my health, avoiding and losing friends while not understanding it was because of the abuse. So right now I sit, wondering am I going to be alone forever, is it all really over, did my abusers steal the pinnacle time in my life where I should have been out exploring the world, building social skills and friendships, while they did that instead of me.
I know I am not, and I know I have a whole future ahead of me, but I do want to follow my purpose in life and I feel like daily because all those years locked away in my self-made prison of thoughts and fear has taken so much away from me, only leaving me with sub-par social skills, an inability to connect with people, trust issues and so much more that I discover every day.
Am I alone on this, do I deserve to be angry, am I a failure at life for locking myself away like this... there is so many emotions going on in my head right now, does anyone have any input on this?