General Thoughts to Share Wasted Time

blankspace

Registrant
I sit in a weird place right now, something kind of kicked me a little today, and I felt I needed to share to get advice from others. I am finally stable in my life, ready to not be a lock away and see the world. This year, I hit a major age, I started a new career this year, and I am moving far away to be by myself in a new city I have never been to, After spending the last nearly decade in my own manufactured mental and physical prison in a small apartment. I was talking about the move with a parent today, who knows of some trauma but not all of it, and honestly dosnt know how to deal with it or act around me.

They out of the blue said "Dont worry about it, I dont need grandkids, I have come to terms with it" and I said "what", they said "you wasted the last decade of your life, you are too old now, I was too old when I had you and it broke me" Of course, I played it off as a joke, but it really hurt but also gave me some anger towards everything.

Now I sit kind of hurting sad, but also a little sort of angry. knowing I have spent the apparent best years of my life, locked away, upset, hurting, terrified to even go outside, letting myself destroy my health, avoiding and losing friends while not understanding it was because of the abuse. So right now I sit, wondering am I going to be alone forever, is it all really over, did my abusers steal the pinnacle time in my life where I should have been out exploring the world, building social skills and friendships, while they did that instead of me.

I know I am not, and I know I have a whole future ahead of me, but I do want to follow my purpose in life and I feel like daily because all those years locked away in my self-made prison of thoughts and fear has taken so much away from me, only leaving me with sub-par social skills, an inability to connect with people, trust issues and so much more that I discover every day.

Am I alone on this, do I deserve to be angry, am I a failure at life for locking myself away like this... there is so many emotions going on in my head right now, does anyone have any input on this?
 

Honeeecombs

Registrant
No you are not alone in this.

I've isolated myself for many years in an emotional; mental prison due to the abuse of others. I can relate of being in a small apartment as that's where I've spent most of my time suffering from the effects of the abuse and trauma.

I've found what really affects us most of all; is the physical ailments that causes internal triggers. When you suffer from PTSD - there is no place you would rather be than in the environment of your own abuse.

So no blankspace; you are not wrong for feeling your feelings. Actually your feelings are quite valid.

Blessings in Christ,
Honeeecombs
 

Guss

Registrant
The person who said that to you was a jerk. Ignore them. You still have your life ahead of you. Embrace the good to come, and let go of the poison from the lips of a jerk.
 

betrayed boy

Greeter
Staff member
i been in a situation kinda like yours but things are looking up im in my 60s no kids retired etc as far as wasting the years and the best is behind you not true the future is what you make of it and it sounds like your doing something positive about it, not having kids isnt a bad thing so your parent isnt happy so what are you supposed to have kids to please them even though you were not ready to handle that situation that would have ended in disaster for you and the kid or kids so count your lucky stars you didnt have any
 

blankspace

Registrant
No you are not alone in this.

I've isolated myself for many years in an emotional; mental prison due to the abuse of others. I can relate of being in a small apartment as that's where I've spent most of my time suffering from the effects of the abuse and trauma.

I've found what really affects us most of all; is the physical ailments that causes internal triggers. When you suffer from PTSD - there is no place you would rather be than in the environment of your own abuse.

So no blankspace; you are not wrong for feeling your feelings. Actually your feelings are quite valid.

Blessings in Christ,
Honeeecombs
Thanks for your message, I made a list the other day of places I want to go see in the world, different countries and stuff, but at the same time I am terrified to go on those trips, I can't really figure out why other then a bad fear of being seen and attacked by my abuser again in another country I know it makes no sense. In less than a week, I will be in a new country, hopefully at a place where I can do group.

But its not just the going places, the relationships I have lost because of it, lost an amazing relationship with an amazing woman because I was scared of being intimate with her. I lose friends because I was scared to go out, stand up to them or just be around them sometimes. it is tough
The person who said that to you was a jerk. Ignore them. You still have your life ahead of you. Embrace the good to come, and let go of the poison from the lips of a jerk.
I feel like I dont, I know that I do, I feel like in a weird way I deserve all this to be nothing and do nothing, I guess because I feel like nothing a lot of the time... hence the name Blankspace. Maybe it's just because the last few days have been bad days that just made me extra susceptible to these comments.

i been in a situation kinda like yours but things are looking up im in my 60s no kids retired etc as far as wasting the years and the best is behind you not true the future is what you make of it and it sounds like your doing something positive about it, not having kids isnt a bad thing so your parent isnt happy so what are you supposed to have kids to please them even though you were not ready to handle that situation that would have ended in disaster for you and the kid or kids so count your lucky stars you didnt have any
The thing is I do want to have a family, I would love the white picket fence and tire swing in the backyard. In a way I like the idea of that as it's something I never had was a stable family, but I'm also terrified of being intimate with someone enough to have that level of a relationship with them. Every time I have tried it seems to end badly either because I can't be intimate and open up, or because I just dont understand the social aspect of things anymore, or end up clinging to any form of emotion that is given, like a manipulator telling me they love me while at the same time play tricks with my mind, but I still cling to that spark of happy emotion they gave me, maybe because im not used to having happy caring emotions like that. I also have that fear that it's going to go bad, I have talked about it before, I feel like once things start going right something bad will happen to ruin it, at least when im alone if something happens, then its just me, who would care.

Although that being said I am a little optimistic about things in a way, I am moving to a location with people I have talked online with for a while and know I am dealing with things, in fact some of the first people I opened up to about things. They aren't survivors themselves, I just feel comfortable around them I have known them so long. They have already made loads of plans to bring me on trips and tours, and meals at their houses and I am excited, but still scared, the words of its "To Late To Be Happy" still ringing in my head.
 

Photoman

Registrant
You're only 32, right? That's not in any way too late to start a family. Even if it takes a few years to find that right person, it's not too late! And if and when you do find that special person, there's no rule you have to have children. Just growing old with someone you love is the most special thing. I have had and lost that special thing with the death of my wife last year of 31 years together. Now I thank God for the time we had together, the memories, the ups, the downs, the hard times and the good times. Me, I'm too old to want to start all over and try to find anyone else, but you, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let the words of your parent discourage you from finding a new, exciting life to share with another person. I have faith in you and Pray for you to find that special future person.
 

blankspace

Registrant
You're only 32, right? That's not in any way too late to start a family. Even if it takes a few years to find that right person, it's not too late! And if and when you do find that special person, there's no rule you have to have children. Just growing old with someone you love is the most special thing. I have had and lost that special thing with the death of my wife last year of 31 years together. Now I thank God for the time we had together, the memories, the ups, the downs, the hard times and the good times. Me, I'm too old to want to start all over and try to find anyone else, but you, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let the words of your parent discourage you from finding a new, exciting life to share with another person. I have faith in you and Pray for you to find that special future person.
I am sorry to hear that about your wife that must have been very hard, I couldn't even imagine that pain.

I guess it brought out a previously unknown fear of being alone, mixed with a few bad days this week. I at the moment find myself sitting trying to constantly refocus my thoughts on something else other than my current mental process of trying to find every reason why I dont deserve to be happy and why I deserve to be in pain constantly like I am while trying to convince myself of the same. I know this is because of the abuse and something I need to deal with and work through.

I do however at the same time look forward to all the new ahead of me in a new place, with new people, and good people who can help support me to seek out safe help for me. Thank you for your comment

Thanks, everyone else for your kind comments they honestly mean so much to me
 
i am 42 and i wish i was your age to start things. I feel my life is empty and has nobody in it at the moment, i have divorced at the start of this year after another unsuccessful attempt to start a family, i have no children. My T. tries to convince me it is never too late for a man to start a family, but i have a lot of days when i just want to give up, i am pretty isolated and unhappy.
Think about it - you have 10 years before you end up in the same spot as i am age-wise, you still have all that time.
 

Guss

Registrant
Forty-two is not old. You are dealing with the pain of your divorce, and everything else in your life. Take it one bite at a time. We all have more on our plate than we can chew in one day.
 

KMCINVA

Greeter
Staff member
I sit in a weird place right now, something kind of kicked me a little today, and I felt I needed to share to get advice from others. I am finally stable in my life, ready to not be a lock away and see the world. This year, I hit a major age, I started a new career this year, and I am moving far away to be by myself in a new city I have never been to, After spending the last nearly decade in my own manufactured mental and physical prison in a small apartment. I was talking about the move with a parent today, who knows of some trauma but not all of it, and honestly dosnt know how to deal with it or act around me.

They out of the blue said "Dont worry about it, I dont need grandkids, I have come to terms with it" and I said "what", they said "you wasted the last decade of your life, you are too old now, I was too old when I had you and it broke me" Of course, I played it off as a joke, but it really hurt but also gave me some anger towards everything.

Now I sit kind of hurting sad, but also a little sort of angry. knowing I have spent the apparent best years of my life, locked away, upset, hurting, terrified to even go outside, letting myself destroy my health, avoiding and losing friends while not understanding it was because of the abuse. So right now I sit, wondering am I going to be alone forever, is it all really over, did my abusers steal the pinnacle time in my life where I should have been out exploring the world, building social skills and friendships, while they did that instead of me.

I know I am not, and I know I have a whole future ahead of me, but I do want to follow my purpose in life and I feel like daily because all those years locked away in my self-made prison of thoughts and fear has taken so much away from me, only leaving me with sub-par social skills, an inability to connect with people, trust issues and so much more that I discover every day.

Am I alone on this, do I deserve to be angry, am I a failure at life for locking myself away like this... there is so many emotions going on in my head right now, does anyone have any input on this?
Blankspace

You are not alone. You are taking steps ro reengage in life--your are here and we are here to support you. I lived in a prison in my mind for decades, the child within lived in a prison I created but in reality I had allowed the abuser and others to build this prison. I was trapped.

You are right when you say, "I have the whole future ahead of me". If you feel anger make sure you direct it at the abuser and others who may have been less than kind as you struggled. Grab onto people who will support, listen and not judge. Remove yourself from those who make you feel unsafe or to relive the abuse.

The past cannot be changed, only the future. Reflect on the past but do not dwell so as to have it control you as you move forward. Keep reaching out and moving can be scary but try to see it as an adventure and new opportunity.

Kevin
 
Last edited:

blankspace

Registrant
i am 42 and i wish i was your age to start things. I feel my life is empty and has nobody in it at the moment, i have divorced at the start of this year after another unsuccessful attempt to start a family, i have no children. My T. tries to convince me it is never too late for a man to start a family, but i have a lot of days when i just want to give up, i am pretty isolated and unhappy.
Think about it - you have 10 years before you end up in the same spot as i am age-wise, you still have all that time.
Im sorry to hear you going through that, hopefully, one day it will get better for you, everyone deserves happiness in some way or another maybe one day we will all get that happiness.

Blankspace

You are not alone. You are taking steps ro reengage in life--your are here and we are here to support you. I lived in a prison in my mind for decades, the child within lived in a prison I created but in reality I had allowed the abuser and others to build this prison. I was trapped.

You are right when you say, "I have the whole future ahead of me". If you feel anger make sure you direct it at the abuser and others who may have been less than kind as you struggled. Grab onto people who will support, listen and not judge. Remove yourself from those who make you feel unsafe or to relive the abuse.

The past cannot be changed, only the future. Reflect on the past but do not dwell so as to have it control you as you move forward. Keep reaching out and moving can be scary but try to see it as an adventure and new opportunity.

Kevin
Thank you for your message Kevin, I appreciate the forums more and more every time I come on the forums how much it has helped me and the scary side is if I hadn't have come across the forms there is a high chance I wouldn't be here right now, iv been through some very dark times.

I dont know why but I Interanilise the anger, overthink constantly try to mentally find a fictitious path to something so I can blame and be angry at myself. And when someone does something to try to make me angry I dont know how to express it properly, I end up locking it away and then screaming internally or into a pillow. I have had a lot of people in my life be those less than kind people, I have had to deal with people I spent a lot of time with, in a career field which tends to have very toxic people. I had been manipulated, made a joke of, been used as an easy target for verbal jabs, and even had untrue complaints made against me, that split friendships and even affected careers, and even though people have seen all these things as they happened and told me it wasn't me, I still go back to the trying to fictiously find a way to blame and be angry at myself for it.

I always tried to show a strong person through the persona I use to mask all the scars and pain. But every person I opened up to revealing me behind that persona for example some of those people tried to use it against me, like being manipulated by an ex using the quote "oh it's you who has issues not me", telling someone Im trying to learning to be social because of my abuse and anxiety for them to take my messages out of context and make a complaint as a manipulation tactic to get what they wanted.

In a way, I do have a good small group of people, who I am moving to the same city as soon. Although these people do know of my some of my past and the fact I have been dealing with this for along as they know me, they still without thinking make jokes or yell out things for example while playing games that will trigger bad thought patterns and flashbacks. I have talked to them, and they do try to limit it. But they are in a way supportive of things in their own way. I also work with an organisation that helps people, this can be very triggering as well, but the leadership are understanding and supporting how they can in regard to limiting exposure to certain things for me. I know it's not a good environment for me to be in with my own past, probably the worst for triggers, but I need to be. I need to be the person who wasn't there for me. I have a burning deep down, that my only purpose is to help or save others however I can, and I dont seem to care how much it hurts me as long as I can help them.

I am pushing forward though, but it's hard, if the saying is right that pain makes you stronger, then I will be ready for the world, I have been through the mental crucible so many times, beaten down so many times, just forcing myself to get back up and keep going. Its something that was hammered into me was never to give up and I'm not, but I have been in pain and suffering like this for so long now, that I dont know how I should be feeling, between the abuse-related emotions, I dont feel anything else I feel numb to the world in a sense, I cant really remember what real happiness feels like, or what a clear mind or even a proper mental pattern is anymore. I do hope that when I get to this city, being with these people I would consider friends, will help bring back those feelings.

Sorry for the long post guys, I just had to clear my brain....
 

Celtaf

Registrant
I sit in a weird place right now, something kind of kicked me a little today, and I felt I needed to share to get advice from others. I am finally stable in my life, ready to not be a lock away and see the world. This year, I hit a major age, I started a new career this year, and I am moving far away to be by myself in a new city I have never been to, After spending the last nearly decade in my own manufactured mental and physical prison in a small apartment. I was talking about the move with a parent today, who knows of some trauma but not all of it, and honestly dosnt know how to deal with it or act around me.

They out of the blue said "Dont worry about it, I dont need grandkids, I have come to terms with it" and I said "what", they said "you wasted the last decade of your life, you are too old now, I was too old when I had you and it broke me" Of course, I played it off as a joke, but it really hurt but also gave me some anger towards everything.

Now I sit kind of hurting sad, but also a little sort of angry. knowing I have spent the apparent best years of my life, locked away, upset, hurting, terrified to even go outside, letting myself destroy my health, avoiding and losing friends while not understanding it was because of the abuse. So right now I sit, wondering am I going to be alone forever, is it all really over, did my abusers steal the pinnacle time in my life where I should have been out exploring the world, building social skills and friendships, while they did that instead of me.

I know I am not, and I know I have a whole future ahead of me, but I do want to follow my purpose in life and I feel like daily because all those years locked away in my self-made prison of thoughts and fear has taken so much away from me, only leaving me with sub-par social skills, an inability to connect with people, trust issues and so much more that I discover every day.

Am I alone on this, do I deserve to be angry, am I a failure at life for locking myself away like this... there is so many emotions going on in my head right now, does anyone have any input on this?

I don't think that you are a failure, but it is easier to say so to you than to myself. I'm going through pretty much the same thing now. I sometimes listen to music or watch a clip of a show from the 90s, and think "I should have been starting on my career back then. I should have gotten married. I should have traveled." Instead, I was barely able to function, terrified that any person who wanted to be close to me would find out awful things and never want to see me again. I struggled with functioning sexually with women. I had PTSD and sometimes could barely pay bills or shop for clothes. I, too, destroyed my health. I have chronic illlnesses because of this.

Counseling and other work done intensely over ten years brought me to the point where I was able to attend university and good a good job for the first time in my life...in my fifties. Before that, I just worked jobs in labour or service and did what I could to survive.

I think feeling anger, grief, loss, and a sense of failure make sense.

But it is easier to say to you than to myself: You were traumatized, and no one helped you make sense of it so that you could move forward with your life. People like to pretend that individual sufferers have no reason to be overwhelmed by trauma, but they absurdly select particular groups of people to lavish compassion on. That's stupid. The reality is: trauma is overwhelming unless people help you. Clearly no one did. And in spite of that, you have managed to move forward on your own. But of course it took a lot of time.

Think of it this way: a man is stranded on a desert island and does not have the use of his legs. No one comes to rescue him. He needs to build a raft and get to where he can be rescued. It takes him twenty years or more to do it. Can anyone blame him for the time it took?

It is no different with having a broken mind. The emotional processes that make it possible for us to be mentally healthy need either the help of others or an immense will to deal with.

The parent who talked about not needing grandkids? Yes, it was all about them, right? No compassion for you in that remark. You're better off in another city.
 

blankspace

Registrant
I don't think that you are a failure, but it is easier to say so to you than to myself. I'm going through pretty much the same thing now. I sometimes listen to music or watch a clip of a show from the 90s, and think "I should have been starting on my career back then. I should have gotten married. I should have traveled." Instead, I was barely able to function, terrified that any person who wanted to be close to me would find out awful things and never want to see me again. I struggled with functioning sexually with women. I had PTSD and sometimes could barely pay bills or shop for clothes. I, too, destroyed my health. I have chronic illlnesses because of this.

Counseling and other work done intensely over ten years brought me to the point where I was able to attend university and good a good job for the first time in my life...in my fifties. Before that, I just worked jobs in labour or service and did what I could to survive.

I think feeling anger, grief, loss, and a sense of failure make sense.

But it is easier to say to you than to myself: You were traumatized, and no one helped you make sense of it so that you could move forward with your life. People like to pretend that individual sufferers have no reason to be overwhelmed by trauma, but they absurdly select particular groups of people to lavish compassion on. That's stupid. The reality is: trauma is overwhelming unless people help you. Clearly no one did. And in spite of that, you have managed to move forward on your own. But of course it took a lot of time.

Think of it this way: a man is stranded on a desert island and does not have the use of his legs. No one comes to rescue him. He needs to build a raft and get to where he can be rescued. It takes him twenty years or more to do it. Can anyone blame him for the time it took?

It is no different with having a broken mind. The emotional processes that make it possible for us to be mentally healthy need either the help of others or an immense will to deal with.

The parent who talked about not needing grandkids? Yes, it was all about them, right? No compassion for you in that remark. You're better off in another city.

Thank you for your post, Your analogy of the man on the island made sense to me, I am in a sense looking forward to the move mainly because when I am there, there are in-person support groups and circles that I look forward to being able to attend that I can't really do here without everyone knowing I am, I am going to be there with people who support me through it
 

Celtaf

Registrant
Thank you for your post, Your analogy of the man on the island made sense to me, I am in a sense looking forward to the move mainly because when I am there, there are in-person support groups and circles that I look forward to being able to attend that I can't really do here without everyone knowing I am, I am going to be there with people who support me through it
I'm glad that you have support awaiting you. I need to focus on stuff like that too.
 

blankspace

Registrant
I'm glad that you have support awaiting you. I need to focus on stuff like that too.
I know they dont know how to deal with it, but I know at least they will support me however they can.

Even though I have so much to focus on with starting my new life, I find myself still wasting time on things related to the abuse. When what happened in my early teens happened, I was playing 3 games around the time 2 of which have been remastered since and I have seen them pop up on feeds that have caused flashbacks to the time, I still can't play them, or even think about them without spiralling down and having emotions flood back. But today I spent nearly 3 hours searching trying to find if the one game that was being played just before the abuse is out or being remastered or will be coming out after I saw a picture of it. Not because I wanted to play it but because I somehow let my mind wander and ended up convincing myself that my abuser would see the game list somewhere, remember what they did to me and would either come after me to hurt me or attack me again, either that or tell people what they did and try spin the story so no one would believe me and I would have to explain to all the people who relaying on me or look up to me that I'm not as strong as they think and explain what happened to me, and I know I'm not ready to talk about what happened to me with those people yet. I really dont know why I was searching for the game, maybe it was my mind trying to find proof that my thoughts were valid.

I know it's a bad mental pattern, and I know it's an issue many have and it is because of my abuse that I have mental patterns like this appear, as I have been told so many times by others on the forums. It's just hard to not let those patterns appear and those thoughts take over. Although one good thing I noticed, even though I did fixate on it, I pulled myself out of the spiral, which is good, before I would have had a full break down and spent a couple of days to even a week, curled up in a ball over thinking everything, I guess its the survivor brain kicking me again as I have heard it called here before
 

Celtaf

Registrant
I know they dont know how to deal with it, but I know at least they will support me however they can.

Even though I have so much to focus on with starting my new life, I find myself still wasting time on things related to the abuse. When what happened in my early teens happened, I was playing 3 games around the time 2 of which have been remastered since and I have seen them pop up on feeds that have caused flashbacks to the time, I still can't play them, or even think about them without spiralling down and having emotions flood back. But today I spent nearly 3 hours searching trying to find if the one game that was being played just before the abuse is out or being remastered or will be coming out after I saw a picture of it. Not because I wanted to play it but because I somehow let my mind wander and ended up convincing myself that my abuser would see the game list somewhere, remember what they did to me and would either come after me to hurt me or attack me again, either that or tell people what they did and try spin the story so no one would believe me and I would have to explain to all the people who relaying on me or look up to me that I'm not as strong as they think and explain what happened to me, and I know I'm not ready to talk about what happened to me with those people yet. I really dont know why I was searching for the game, maybe it was my mind trying to find proof that my thoughts were valid.

I know it's a bad mental pattern, and I know it's an issue many have and it is because of my abuse that I have mental patterns like this appear, as I have been told so many times by others on the forums. It's just hard to not let those patterns appear and those thoughts take over. Although one good thing I noticed, even though I did fixate on it, I pulled myself out of the spiral, which is good, before I would have had a full break down and spent a couple of days to even a week, curled up in a ball over thinking everything, I guess its the survivor brain kicking me again as I have heard it called here before
I have deep sympathy and similarity to what you are describing to me.

However, I must say that having at least a few in your life to confide in, affirming that you are not crazy but really did have bad experiences that have continued your suffering. If you pick people who care for you and will hear the truth (It is hard to do this) then it can result in them confirming that it should not have happened and will affirm their concern on your behalf. If it is difficult to find anyone to trust in normal life, counselling can also help.

For a lot of trauma it seems like if we can make sense of it and recognize that it is a real but not to be constantly expected then someone can move past dwelling on it. the problem is when it can't be distinguished from what is normal. Then it is as though we are haunted by it. Paralyzing flashbacks, nightmares, being distracted by similar situations that do not lead to the same abuse...very hard indeed....but even harder when it seems like we have to doubt ourselves and our own experiences.
 

blankspace

Registrant
I have deep sympathy and similarity to what you are describing to me.

However, I must say that having at least a few in your life to confide in, affirming that you are not crazy but really did have bad experiences that have continued your suffering. If you pick people who care for you and will hear the truth (It is hard to do this) then it can result in them confirming that it should not have happened and will affirm their concern on your behalf. If it is difficult to find anyone to trust in normal life, counselling can also help.

For a lot of trauma it seems like if we can make sense of it and recognize that it is a real but not to be constantly expected then someone can move past dwelling on it. the problem is when it can't be distinguished from what is normal. Then it is as though we are haunted by it. Paralyzing flashbacks, nightmares, being distracted by similar situations that do not lead to the same abuse...very hard indeed....but even harder when it seems like we have to doubt ourselves and our own experiences.
Thank you for your sympathy. I am sitting here with tears running down because I leave tomorrow for my new life, and I know once I leave there will be people who I have seen the last few days that I will never see alive again. Knowing even with how toxic my parents are, when I leave here it's never going to be the same again, it will never be a case of just calling to say Hi, or having a family dinner and that makes me sad, which also causes my mind to wander down bad paths.

I am leaving not to get away from the only family I have left not because I want to but because I need to, I need to get away from the constant triggers of locations or smells that remind me of all the abuse, how I was used and manipulated by not just my abuser but by other people because of the mindstate my abuser left me in. Making me bottle everything up to hide it away till eventually that bottle cracks and things leak out, causing me to latch onto any type of good emotion I can, become over-trusting of people to early and just not thinking about things logically. This mind state still there causing my mind to spiral down bad paths and wander overthinking thoughts causing me to pull away from life more with fear of other people or even my attempt at being normal to be misconstrued.

I have reached out to a support group in the city I am going to, and I am looking forward to some sort of response from them hopefully tomorrow, so when I do get to that city, I can start truly dealing with all the pain and constantly mixed bag of emotions that I feel every day.

Sorry for this being a long thread of mainly my mind wandering and rambling, vent out what I feel into words. I just hope someone else other than uses comes along reads this one day and like me knows there not alone in these feelings, that all have names and reasoning attached to them because of the book Victims No Longer, gave me names and reasoning behind what I have been feeling and still feel now.

I hope you can many others hear find the support we need and maybe even one day to have a step-through from this area of pain to a point of no more fear, pain or wandering thoughts
 

Celtaf

Registrant
Thank you for your sympathy. I am sitting here with tears running down because I leave tomorrow for my new life, and I know once I leave there will be people who I have seen the last few days that I will never see alive again. Knowing even with how toxic my parents are, when I leave here it's never going to be the same again, it will never be a case of just calling to say Hi, or having a family dinner and that makes me sad, which also causes my mind to wander down bad paths.

I am leaving not to get away from the only family I have left not because I want to but because I need to, I need to get away from the constant triggers of locations or smells that remind me of all the abuse, how I was used and manipulated by not just my abuser but by other people because of the mindstate my abuser left me in. Making me bottle everything up to hide it away till eventually that bottle cracks and things leak out, causing me to latch onto any type of good emotion I can, become over-trusting of people to early and just not thinking about things logically. This mind state still there causing my mind to spiral down bad paths and wander overthinking thoughts causing me to pull away from life more with fear of other people or even my attempt at being normal to be misconstrued.

I have reached out to a support group in the city I am going to, and I am looking forward to some sort of response from them hopefully tomorrow, so when I do get to that city, I can start truly dealing with all the pain and constantly mixed bag of emotions that I feel every day.

Sorry for this being a long thread of mainly my mind wandering and rambling, vent out what I feel into words. I just hope someone else other than uses comes along reads this one day and like me knows there not alone in these feelings, that all have names and reasoning attached to them because of the book Victims No Longer, gave me names and reasoning behind what I have been feeling and still feel now.

I hope you can many others hear find the support we need and maybe even one day to have a step-through from this area of pain to a point of no more fear, pain or wandering thoughts
I know what you mean about the triggers.

I feel, personally, like I only have so much life left before I become an old man, yet I feel trapped in repairing the remnants of an old life. I would love to start fresh, but it is very hard.

I too feel triggered every day.
 
Top