Was this Sexual Abuse?

downout

Registrant
When I was approximately a 8-11 year old boy a young sexy woman in her early mid 20s was my caretaker. She used to dress very inappropriately around me (pantyhose only, saw her undressing in bedroom closet while I would talk to her), and even watch me masturbate, and at times make inappropriate comments. I loved her so much. My whole life I sexually fantasized about her, and every woman I was with I fantasized was her. I would say her name during sex, and dream of having sex with her, raping her, and spending my life with her.

Most of my life since adolescence I've suffered from depression, anxiety, low self esteem, lack of self confidence, insecurity, unable to make close friends. I smoked pot for a good 10 years almost on a daily basis from the time I was 16. She moved out of my house when I was about 11-12 years old. When I turned 13 she invited me up for a visit just with her in her apartment out of town. She asked me at night if I wanted to sleep with her, or alone. I was so shy and embarrassed I said alone.

This has haunted my my entire life and I'm almost 50. Was this a form of sexual abuse? Or was this innocent and natural?

(I've been on anti-depressents and anti-anxiety medication for over 20 years and been in therapy but still have these issues)

(She is a family friend, but will not talk to me about these issues after I confronted her with them).
Thanks.
 

TheBobcatAgain

Registrant
Downout,

This could possibly be abuse. When she watched you masturbate, did you feel ashamed? When she dressed inappropriately, did you feel shame for looking at her? Lastly, when she asked you to sleep with her, was she really asking you to have sex with her? If you think the answer to that last question is yes, then I think she was probably trying to "groom" you in your younger days by dressing inappropriately and watching you masturbate.

I could see how this might not affect some guys, while it might affect others. The one thing that can't be overlooked is that you suffer from symptoms of abuse. So whether or not it's a textbook case of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) may be irrelevant; if it affected you negatively, then it wasn't "natural" or "innocent".

My opinion (for what it's worth) is that you were being groomed for sexual abuse. Maybe sexual abuse did happen during the grooming, maybe it didn't. But if it traumatized you, as I'm guessing it did, then you can probably find some answers here.

Lastly, I want to assure you that there are many different kinds of sexual abuse - many of which don't even have to involve being touched by the abuser. I've have had conversations with some men whose abuse would not legally be considered "abuse"; yet they are in pain and need help because they have the symptoms of abuse. I think society is a little slow to recognize all forms of abuse, but with time, that will probably change.

So don't feel like you are alone because your abuse doesn't fit all of the normal criteria. Those criteria are being modified all the time. I think it's good that you found this site, because here you might find answers and even friends who will accept you with understanding and compassion.

Welcome to MS, buddy. I hope we can help your recovery.

Bobcat
 

downout

Registrant
Thanks Bobcat. I don't know what she was getting at asking if I wanted to sleep alone or with her. It could have been innocent. For years, that's what I told myself. Then when I heard the stories of boys being abused by the Church, and listened to the impact on their lives I started thinking maybe this wasn't just natural thing, but she was actually a narcissist getting off on the attention from a boy practically worshiping her.

When she watched me masturbate I remember a big (loving) smile on her face. She was in a chair and I could not see her hands and below her stomach, so I don't know if she was doing something (masturbating)? Actually I didn't know what I was doing, I was just rubbing myself on the couch lying down watching TV with her.

I don't think she is an evil or mean person. But she WILL NOT talk with me about these experiences that she calls "weird". That is what makes me suspicious. If she just said that I imagined all of this, I would take her word for it.
 

Zkahtt

Registrant
I'm betting you should follow your gut instinct that this "weirdness" is proof of your memory and I also think she was being sexual with you. Whether or not she is a true perp like my aunt is another question. Have you talked to any other males in your family and asked if she did this with them?
 

BigV

Registrant
downout, after having read this, what I'm wondering is, do you feel as though she overstepped your boundaries? Do you feel as though she inhibited you from learning healthy boundaries at the time and there after?

There is no debating feelings. If it feels wrong to you, and only you, at this moment, then that's what matters.
 

downout

Registrant
"I'm betting you should follow your gut instinct that this "weirdness" is proof of your memory and I also think she was being sexual with you. Whether or not she is a true perp like my aunt is another question. Have you talked to any other males in your family and asked if she did this with them?"

She was a whore and slept around with as many people in my larger family as possible, I know of two cousins she had very recreational sex with.

Does this give any more insight into her?

Also, at 60, her husband left her for a younger woman after over 25 years of marriage. Before she cut me off, I asked her why he left and her response was "How the hell do I know we were going to therapy?". Does this mean she is so blocked and in denial maybe she has blocked the memories?
TIA
 
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