Was this consensual?

jalekzander93

New Registrant
Back around the end of August, me and my boyfriend broke up with each other (I’m a male, and I’m gay as well). In September, I started dating this other guy as a rebound. We went on a few dates, but I genuinely did not have any sexual attraction to this individual, as he was simply not my type. On November 1st, this guy came to my house. We started watching a movie and had dinner, and then later on he wanted to go into the bedroom to cuddle. I wasn’t necessarily comfortable with this, only due to the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him, but I did not say anything to him about it, I just went and cuddled with him anyway. A few minutes after we started cuddling, we started to kiss, and he started to pull my pants down and proceed oral sex on me. He did not ask me, but I didn’t try to stop him and I didn’t say no. I was uncomfortable only due to the fact that once again, I was not attracted to him. I laid there and let him do it until I orgasmed. After I was finished, he asked me to do the same with him. Honestly I was ready for him to go home at that point, but I felt like I needed to “return the favor”, as he just did the same to me. Once again, I was uncomfortable because I was not attracted to him (I cannot stress that enough), but I did not say no, I just did it with the mindset, “I’m just ready to get this over with”. Long story short, a few days later, he texted me saying “When I was over and you sucked me, I got the vibe that you didn’t want to do it and you only did it because I asked and it’s been bothering me”, I replied, telling him that honestly I wasn’t ready for that (I just used that as a cover up, because I didn’t want to tell him that I wasn’t attracted to him, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings). He responded back to me very upset because he said that I should have told him that I wasn’t comfortable with that, and he felt horrible that I did something that I wasn’t ready to do because of him.

Long story short, me and this individual no longer talk due to other issues, I broke it off with him maybe about 2 weeks ago. Between the time that this happened and 2 weeks ago, I did not ever think for one minute that I was molested or raped, I just thought of it as, I was in a situation to avoid hurting someone’s feelings by telling them I wasn’t attracted to them. Last week, I told my father about it and he said to me, “It sounds like you were molested and you need to go make a police report”. When my father said this, I immediately felt hurt, and I started to believe that I was raped or molested. Long story short, I went to make a police report in the jurisdiction that I was in, and a couple of days later the detective called me telling me that this did NOT constitute as a sexual assault and it was consensual, even though I did not give an “enthusiastic yes”. I would have thought that would have put my mind at ease, but honestly it didn’t. I’m searching all over the internet for this kind of thing, and my anxiety is running through the roof. Can anyone tell me if this constitutes as rape or molestation?
 
You have no leg to stand on, legally, because you never said no. Your discomfort is not the same as a clear "no," which you never provided. It's not at all surprising that your date was flabbergasted that you didn't want to have sex, because you made no attempt to let him know that.

It was neither rape nor molestation and was in fact entirely consensual to your date. It was only nonconsensual in your own head. You have to use actual words for it to count as nonconsensual, because people cannot read minds.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Well , what I'm wondering is , why didn't you want to just stop? Because I have done alot because of coersive control. And not said no

if you just didn't feel assertive enough to stop and say sorry I don't feel like it right now ( which we should all be able to do with out a really negative reaction from the other person ) then I honestly advise some support in that direction saying no isn't always easy but it's necessary for us to set boundaries with people

I don't understand why if he got that feeling he didn't stop you because I know I would so I question his morals

I certainly think this situation is one you should talk out maybe with a professional counselor

I personally have been in a number of situations where I didn't say no because I lacked the ability to be assertive it doesn't feel good. in therapy I have learnt to lay down my boundaries and to know what exactly they are
I really advise looking into assertiveness and your boundaries

I hope you find peace and resolution of this situation

HL
 

betrayed boy

Staff member
not rape u did it more or less on your own not wanting to but as a form of return the favor type thing, i would forget it and move on with your life but keep this in the back of your mind so it dont happen again.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Your father gave you some very, very poor advice.

Please do not play around with accusations of rape, based on the scenario you described. Also, keep in mind that you apparently upset your sexual partner pretty badly by your behavior and failure to communicate. I doubt he was upset only because of guilt, but probably also because he felt manipulated and betrayed and used by you. How would you feel if he started coming after you with legal accusations because of your failure to be open and honest with him?

The man contacted you with his concerns and discussed them with you in a respectful way. Take this as a learning experience and learn to trust your instincts in the bedroom, which can be a challenge for most of us who have experienced abuse in the past.
 
This is what "enthusiastic consent" brings us to, folks. Somehow, if we think "gee, I sure feel uncomfortable with this sexual encounter," suddenly it becomes rape even if we go ahead and perform any sex act under the sun. I liked it better when "no meant no." I understand that one can achieve a "yes" through coercion or duress, and of course we all know the horror of gaslighting and grooming - but these are really separate issues.

I feel this guy's date's pain viscerally. To be accused of rape or molestation when none has taken place is a true nightmare. That's what my ex-wife did to me in order to break me down, and my blood boils when I hear it happen to anyone else.
 

DavidM-LT

Staff member
Hey Jake!
I gotta say that I agree with @AlexBoyd that your dad gave you some very poor advice.

Please know that my heart goes out to you. Really. I don't care to elaborate publicly, but I can well relate to your situation. One of the first things that ran through my head reading your post was: wow... consent really isn't all that cut and dry. And it should be! But in general, this just highlights all the more what a problem it is to presume dating also means sex or something sexual.

Yet theory and reality aren't always the same. I can picture "being in the moment"... the: one thing leads to another.
I can understand the reciprocating out of a feeling of obligation.

There's a lot of uncomfortable things to ponder here. At least it seems so to me.
Did he know that he was just a rebound guy? But maybe he wasn't just a rebound.
Why did you go cuddle to begin with?
When the oral started, or even when the pants came off, why didn't you say/do something? Anything to give a hint that you weren't okay with it.
And why not say/do something before the orgasm?
Questions that you can't really answer would be:
Why did he allow you to continue if he sensed that you weren't okay with it? (I suspect that it's probably similar to your answer as to why you didn't interrupt anything)
Did he have specific intentions in asking you to cuddle in the first place? Which kinda begs the question of who started kissing who first? Which then makes me wonder why you didn't stop anything with the kissing?

There's probably more. But that's just what comes to mind quickly.

Without a doubt, I can imagine that having actually attempted to report it and it being refused, that's gotta evoke some might strong feelings. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this spot. There's nothing enjoyable about it.
 
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