was this abuse? (possible triggers)

[beccy]

As you know I write a lot of posts here about everything happening with my bf at the moment, but recently I had a memory return to me, after something my sister said, about my uncle behaving in an inappropriate way with me. What I remembered was standing alone with him in his garage. Something about him commenting on my appearance and how I was maturing (I think I may have been 10 or so). I think he may have then hugged me, possibly attempted to kiss me, but can't quite remember clearly. What I do remember is that I knew it was wrong, I felt uncomfortable and also sorry for him. I think I might have felt flattered and other confusing things, but I know I said we should go back in the other room......I'm pretty sure nothing else happened. Can't remember, but I think my parents/his wife was in other room and I didn't feel too scared. What worries me, is that my sister told me our cousin(his daughter) remembers a 'funny kiss' from when she was a child. Not only am I concerned about what may have happened to her, but also myself/sister as we used to stay there on our own frequently as young children. There was always an odd look in his eyes when I think about it....

I'm realising now, that this may actually have had quite a few influences on me sexually and as far as intimacy is concerned. I know I've always felt uncomfortable dressing too sexy, as I don't like the attention it recieves. Although, I don't mind the attention if dressed otherwise. I was also quite promiscuous as a younger adult. I think it might have had a bearing on the way I've accepted being treated by bf in current relationship also.

It seems quite a small thing that happened(unless there's more i can't remember), that I feel guilty for writing this. Also not sure if this is the right place to be writing it? But it's such a good discussion board and you've all been so supportive here.....

peace,
Beccy

 

[phoster]

yes, technically it seems like the feelings you describe kind of lean toward it. it sounds like he was testing the water at the very least. i watched a documetary on discovery where they were interviewing convicted pedophiles, and one thing they spoke about was chosing thier victims. they would often start by touching a child. if they protested, they would simply say it was an accident. what they wanted to find was the child that didnt protest, and they would escalate from touching to maybe a hug or kiss, and so on. if nothing else happened, it is a safe bet he was testing to see what you would do.

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Beccy, from what you have said it is hard to say if it is abuse, or even inappropriate. I think I would say it is inappropriate, just because you say that you remember that you knew it was wrong. I think that some how he let you know that he was attracted to you. This could have happened in any of many verbally or non-verbally ways. He could have came right out and said it, or use his tone of voice, or the hug may have been tighter than it should have been, or longer than normal. Or the kiss, may have been on the lips, and/or too long.

Take care,
Clifford

 

[beccy]

Yes, he had a look in his eyes I think and the way he commented on my body made me feel uncomfortable. In my memory it seems to me he was behaving towards me as if I was an adult. I don't clearly remember the hug/kiss......I do remember feeling sorry for him...kind of like i knew it was wrong, so I pitied him for doing it. Also though, I think I felt like i didn't want to upset him. Until last week, i didn't reckon it had affected me, but I'm connecting it to a few things now.


peace,
Beccy

 

[beccy]

Thanks for that input SB,

It's very interesting to hear your own story. I lost my virginity at the age of 15 to a 16 year old boy. I did know what I was doing and what it was all about, but I placed no importance whatsoever on it. My parents were in the process of moving apart at the time. My mother was emotionally unavailable to me. My father tried to do his best, but i feel I didn't understand myself emotionally at all. Sex was just the act to me and nothing more. I think that bf took total advantage of me in all kinds of sexual ways. He didn't share himself emotionally. He made me feel stupid and unattractive. He cheated on me..etc etc

I did finish it with him in the end.

I don't know if i'm a survivor or not. I do know current bf has been very emotionally abusive. I feel I became very dependant on him and lost all my confident outgoing tendencies. I've spent years believing I was a bad person and just feeling totally confused and dissoriented. I was especially insecure when I first became pregnant 5 years ago. I believe the very fact I never confided in anyone that whole time is a good indication of just how confused I had become. I'm only just picking up all the pieces now.

I know exactly what you mean, ''I'm trying not to allow my bf's needs to swamp my own.'' I'm just getting a grasp on that now, but it seems to causing more problems than anything. I feel he resents EVERYTHING I might want. To the point where even if it's something he wants too, he still makes it into a problem. I feel we're being driven further and further apart. I too have spent years trying to please him. I think it's acceptable to want to know you please your partner, but he is impossible to please and I just can't see how i can ever be happy at the moment. I know I'd be happier on my own than this.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to trust what he says to me, as he seems to lie all the time. Like he thinks he can second guess everthing I think/feel and has the right to censor what he chooses to share to such a degree that I don't have a say in the way things are between us. If that makes any sense. I don't know how to make it any clearer to him, that I am no longer willing to be the needy, weak, desperate girl I used to be. I will not let myself be treated this way anymore. But it's so starting to seem to me, that the only way he's truly going to understand the seriousness of how I'm feeling right now, is if I end our relationship. I wouldn't leave yet, but definately seperate beds, just friends. It's so difficult though, as I don't want to desert him at this time.....I'm just so sick of having my head twisted and how distant he really is. It's so far from a healthy relationship it's untrue. I want someone to be kind to me. I don't want to have to battle to get that.

peace,
Beccy