Was it my abuser, or was it Spiderman that made me Bi?

Torres

Torres

Registrant
I dont want to further the cliche if ever there were one but I have always wondered if the abuse I went through as a child made me Bi.

This is my first time speaking out publicly, and the first time I have felt free as an individual to do so, so go easy on me.

I'm a lively, extroverted, gym-going bearded 37 year old, never spoken out or written about my abuse before but after the worst last 6 weeks of my life over the last 2 months, flashbacks and triggers have caused the suppression and compartmentalisation of my childhood abuse to end and now I'm seeking professional talking therapy to deal with being a survivor. I am a survivor ! I survived, and I can admit it. I can acknowledge it, and admit it !

I have known for the last 30 years that my dad abused me as a child for several years, intensifying when my mum and dad divorced and he had unsupervised visits where we went to stay with him for the weekend. These visits continued until I became a different child when I came back from staying at his for the weekend. It's not right to say, but luckily I wasnt alone on these visits, and my sisters were there as well. However none of us escaped, and we are all now survivors.

Growing up, I remember getting on better with boys than I did girls, and had a few crushes when I was at primary school. I even had a girlfriend in P1-3 (Uk School System) who followed me when I moved school (when we moved away from dad), however It's funny the things you remember; the first / earliest memory I have of being aroused as a prepubescent lad was reading a Spiderman Comic in Primary 4 (Uk School System) and Spiderman had been captured by Dr Oct and was pinned down by him. I remember thinking what would it feel like to feel that, to be pinned by another and for some reason (unknown or subconscious) I remember feeling aroused. I didnt attribute it to anything that had happened to me only years before at the time (or certainly didnt think that at the time). But that has always stuck with me, and I've never told anyone until now.

Jump forward to times when I was rough-housing and wrestling with male friends growing up as teens, and again, I liked the idea of submitting after a long fight, something felt good about it and Still not drawing any parallels to my CSA I thought nothing of it.

Growing up in a household with a faith, I panicked all the way through High School thinking I was gay and was worried in case my family, church friends or people at school found out. I didnt supress how I felt but I didnt do anything with it either (other than typical teenage masturbation). I had a great girlfriend all the way through High school and she never suspected anything.

When we went to college, freedom got the better of us both and we both came out to each other and went our separate ways. It's funny, I caught up with her a few weeks ago and it sounds like we are both in the same place again with solidifying our identity in ourselves and not what labels would dictate to us. While at college I managed to convince myself I was gay and was happy to do so. I was in a new city, a new identity and I could be a new me. That lasted for several years of discovery, spending too much time with online dating and meeting up with other beary bearded type guys, some with a penchant for sub/dom roles. Was this harbouring back to my earlier memories of Spiderman & Dr Oct, or subconsciously to something much worse and sinister from my past.
The dating continued until I finished uni and met & settled with a lovely lass that I wanted to spend my life with. I've never been one for labels so apologies for using them here but when I settled with her, I was happy and everything felt right.

Jumping forward through 9 years of the relationship, we laughed, we cried, had great years, and some not so great years, and now we are in our darkest time yer and we could be going our separate ways. Unfortunately the suppression of my years of abuse from my dad has caused intimacy issues between us and I dont think this time things are fixable. I have been encouraged to get "me" sorted before there can be an "us" to get sorted. However, for "me" to be sorted, I need to be at my most honest and that is to say that I am a survivor of my CSA and I am a bisexual man. I have always felt comfortable saying that I have felt that I am bi, but never openly in public, and certainly not to my partner of 9 years.

The last 6 weeks have been more real than ever, (thank you for your patience if you have kept up and are still reading with me), every emotion has been heightened, and despite knowing for the last 30+ years that my abuse happened at the hands of my dad, I've only started coming to terms with it now, literally in the last 2 weeks. I can admit I am bisexual, and very happy to do so, as I have comfort in that. I guess it's now admitting I'm also a survivor and seeking the help I can to face up to that.

Did my abuser, my dad make me Bi? Was it Spiderman and Dr Oct ? I dont know. I just know that in order for me to heal, I need to be honest and I need to be me.
 
Hi Torres,
It took courage to write what you shared here. You did an excellent job in explaining your thoughts and feelings.
The question you ask has been discussed on this forum numerous times, with numerous thoughts given in trying to answer the question. From what I have observed, the answer is not one that applies to a group, as each of us is different. I feel the most important thing you wrote were your final five words..”I need to be me.” That is what matters. How you arrived to who you are is secondary. Getting to the place you desire is paramount, and the journey you have embarked on will be difficult and challenging, yet extremely rewarding and insightful. At some point, you may have a better answer to your question than you have now. Your enlightenment and knowledge will grow and provide other possibilities and answers. Right now, continue therapy, continue searching, continue the honesty with yourself and if you don’t have self compassion, learn about it. I’m truly sorry for the past you suffered. My heart breaks hearing your pain. I congratulate you on making the courageous decision to begin the journey towards healing. If I can be of any help, reach out and say, I will do my best to answer your questions. Good job Torres!
 
I have so much respect for your courage. I see some parallels. I am in my 50’s and only in the pat two months understood my sexuality. For decades I would have homosexual fantasizes about reenacting my abuse. I too wondered if I was gay. This caused me much distress for many reasons including my faith. With the fantasizing about my abuse gone my sexual desire for my wife has increased significantly. I have also realized that I am also attracted to men. It has been a startling realization at my age.

I think that abuse can affect how we act sexually (ie re-enacting our abuse in porn, fantasy or with others). My counselor has suggested however, that there is no science which shows that abuse affects orientation. It was only after I stopped having fantasies about my abuse that I could experience my authentic sexuality. I am attracted to men and women. I don’t believe that was a result of the abuse.
 
Rick K said:
Hi Torres,
It took courage to write what you shared here. You did an excellent job in explaining your thoughts and feelings.
The question you ask has been discussed on this forum numerous times, with numerous thoughts given in trying to answer the question. From what I have observed, the answer is not one that applies to a group, as each of us is different. I feel the most important thing you wrote were your final five words..”I need to be me.” That is what matters. How you arrived to who you are is secondary. Getting to the place you desire is paramount, and the journey you have embarked on will be difficult and challenging, yet extremely rewarding and insightful. At some point, you may have a better answer to your question than you have now. Your enlightenment and knowledge will grow and provide other possibilities and answers. Right now, continue therapy, continue searching, continue the honesty with yourself and if you don’t have self compassion, learn about it. I’m truly sorry for the past you suffered. My heart breaks hearing your pain. I congratulate you on making the courageous decision to begin the journey towards healing. If I can be of any help, reach out and say, I will do my best to answer your questions. Good job Torres!
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Thank You Rick, I really appreciate you reaching out and benig as encouraging as you have been thank you. Im at the start of my journey and not one I want to rush. I know its going to talk time, and prob give me more questions than answers, but its one journey I'm glad im not walking by myself.

Thanks again
 
BelovedSon said:
I have so much respect for your courage. I see some parallels. I am in my 50’s and only in the pat two months understood my sexuality. For decades I would have homosexual fantasizes about reenacting my abuse. I too wondered if I was gay. This caused me much distress for many reasons including my faith. With the fantasizing about my abuse gone my sexual desire for my wife has increased significantly. I have also realized that I am also attracted to men. It has been a startling realization at my age.

I think that abuse can affect how we act sexually (ie re-enacting our abuse in porn, fantasy or with others). My counselor has suggested however, that there is no science which shows that abuse affects orientation. It was only after I stopped having fantasies about my abuse that I could experience my authentic sexuality. I am attracted to men and women. I don’t believe that was a result of the abuse.
Click to expand...

Thank you BSon, for sharing, and being as open as you have been. I appreciate you, and your honesty. Thank you !
 
BelovedSon said:
I have so much respect for your courage. I see some parallels. I am in my 50’s and only in the pat two months understood my sexuality. For decades I would have homosexual fantasizes about reenacting my abuse. I too wondered if I was gay. This caused me much distress for many reasons including my faith. With the fantasizing about my abuse gone my sexual desire for my wife has increased significantly. I have also realized that I am also attracted to men. It has been a startling realization at my age.

I think that abuse can affect how we act sexually (ie re-enacting our abuse in porn, fantasy or with others). My counselor has suggested however, that there is no science which shows that abuse affects orientation. It was only after I stopped having fantasies about my abuse that I could experience my authentic sexuality. I am attracted to men and women. I don’t believe that was a result of the abuse.
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts…I thought I was the only one who wanted to reenact my abuse etc…
 
I have explored this topic for myself and this is the conclusion that I have come to;

Human beings are mechanically designed to be bisexual (I believe). Proof is that either sex one is born into can have physically pleasurable sex that can result in orgasm with either sex. Note, I take the mind out of this, this is just a reflex to stimuli.

That being said, there is a certain normative socialization in society that assumes heterosexuality. Perhaps the abuse offered me another choice that normative socialization did not offer.

Just my thoughts
 
It was interesting what you wrote about Spiderman. I used to fantasize about Superboy and Superman sexually. I too was raised into a household of very strict religion. In high school my pastor told me I shouldn't dance with girls at the school dances as it might lead to erotic thoughts. I thought to myself, no, I want to dance with the boys. Of course I couldn't say that out loud or they would pray over me that the homosexual demon be cast out of me. I for a long time thought that my abuse caused me to be Gay but then I had a memory of a my first sexual fantasy about a boy and I on TV naked together and I got an erection. I didn't understand it but it felt good. This was before I was sexually abused. I finally came to the conclusion that I was born Gay and stopped hating myself for it. I also had to find a different Higher Power that was loving and kind so I could have a spiritual life. My mother told me that God hated me and I was going to hell when I came out to her and my dad. I've already been to hell and survived.
 
Thank you for sharing. I wish you healing and peace on your journey.

I have identified as bi off and on for almost 30 years. Right now I don't have a label. Part of my experience is having so much shame and wondering if I was really gay. My attractions for women are usually very strong. Sometimes I very strong attractions for men. Sometimes I feel nonsexual and depressed.

When I am happy and not feeling shame I have my true sexual orientation. I feel good about myself. Most of my feelings are for women, but I feel good about the feelings I have for men too.

For some reason I don't feel comfortable with a label right now.

When I was very little I remember having fantasies for women. I would put on mask at the pool and go underwater and look at the girls bottoms and legs. I remember thinking the guy on the show Simon and Simon was attractive. I remember masturbating to Farah Fawcett when I was little.

My abuse involved emotional incest with my mom, porn and dirty talk from step dad, and 4 older guys trying to do stuff to me over a period of years. The stuff with my mom went on until moved out at 18.

It has been very confusing for me over the years.
 
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I understand. I was married until I came to grip that I was really Gay m my sexual orientation. I do look at beautiful and see that they are beautiful but feel no sexual attraction to them and that is ok today. I use to berate myself and feel guilty about all that stuff. Once I started accepting myself as I was and not worrying what other people thought about me, it changed my thinking. I have learned that what you think about me is none of my business. Peace on your journey as well.
 
Thank your for your messages, Flying, and davids1,

I hope you are both well. Having a bit of a mixed time with things at the moment. Starting to make connections and small bits of progress with my abuse counsellor and starting to see changes in myself, however it balances out I guess as relationship wise, things are tanking.

Davids1 I wanted to ask (if that is ok) that you said you were married. Either chatting here or in a message I'd like to chat more if you are able (i dont know if thats the right thing to ask on the page or not). My wife has decided that its right that I go through counselling to get me sorted but the abuse has been too much to come to terms with, along with my bisexuality, so we are going to go our separate ways. Which hurts. I knwo I'm not alone in my recovery and with being a survivor but it feels like my Dad and the abuse has won yet again as he's still taking things away from me. This time, my relationship. Not quite sure how to finish the message off so will just say, would love to chat more if you guys would like to message back

Thanks

Torres
 
Sorry about your marriage troubles Torres. That sounds really hard. I've had hard times in my marriage. We have stuck it out, but it hasn't always been easy.
 
flying said:
Sorry about your marriage troubles Torres. That sounds really hard. I've had hard times in my marriage. We have stuck it out, but it hasn't always been easy.
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Glad youve been able to stick it out flying. I'm really happy that you were able to. There is some peace in the decision tbh but it sucks so much as well. trying to see the positive that it will give me focus for my recovery. just need to give it time
thanks flying
 
I have often wondered and struggled with the same question: Did my abuse as a 4 year old contribute to or make me bi more specifically? I came to an awareness of myself as bi as I got into my 30's and 40's. Before then I though I was just a horny high school teenager and college student. I had sex with both males and females, but mostly guys. Today, I can see much more clearly than ever before how my abuse as a child fucked up my psychosexual developement. I do see myself as oversexualized in many ways, and as a married man have a hard time remaining exclusively committed to my wife. In so many ways, my sexual encounters have been a reenactment of my abuse, or of at least of the curiosity I experienced as a child. But the question remains in me; did my abuse cause my bisexuality. I don't know that I will ever know, but I take solice in the advise already given above to focus more on finding healthy ways to be me, all of me, and only me, and not so much on where it came from. While there is not scientific evidence as mentioned above, I find it very fascinating that so many of us here that were abuse are also bi or gay. Thank you guys for your open hearts and for listening to me as well. Feels good to belong and to have a place to tell my story. -Adam
 
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