Was I drugged and then abused

[zip14]

Hi,

Been awhile. Over time, I have become convinced that my perp used sleeping pills to commit acts against me and others.

The only incident of abuse I can 'remember' is from a winter camping trip in a tent. There were four boys (11-12 yrs old) and our teacher. One of the boys was my brother.

In my research on the subject of pedophiles, I have come across several instances where drugs were used to make their target unable to react to the sexual abuse.

I believe our teacher put sleeping pills in our food. I woke up to his abuse but froze in fear. During that trip I remember another boy complaining that his arse hole was killing him.

My theory rests with the assumption that all of the boys on our trip were likely abused. This teacher has several convictions for molestation of young boys and it is beyond belief that he would not have taken advantage of his 5 days in the woods.

It leads me to also believe that though I remember just this one instance, I doubt very much that this was the only instance of my abuse at the hands of my perp. He had taken both my brother and I camping many times.

I posted this because I have often read comments from people in here about blanks, or gaps in memory and am wondering if those are generated in our mind to protect ourselves or are actually driven by other factors. Thanks and be well.

 

[unhappycamper]

Drugging or boozing up older boys (teens, pre-teens) is a standard procedure for pervs. The guy who got me reeked of (what I now recognize as) alcohol and reportedly "beat up" an older boy, so I suspect he used alcohol in his attacks. Seek peace!

John C.

 

[WG]

Hello, zip - good to see your name again. To answer you, yes, the gaps in memory, the blanks, the 'missing' pieces are all part of the abuse part.
Even though my perp didn't drug me, I have long blank spaces in my memory. There are pieces that show up, but they're like disjointed scenes from a bad black & white movie that are in no particular order. Through therapy I have learned to make peace with that part - the 'no memory' part I mean. It simply just isn't there for me. I can't force it to come back, I can't re-create those moments. They're gone. It is, however, a protection, a 'mercy' if you will, because what happened was so horrific the brain does this to protect you. Before I began therapy, I wasn't OK with that. I wanted it to come back and be a seemless transition into adulthood. That's where I got stuck. There were other places in my life I wanted clarity, but that was the main place where I wanted peace. I now know, through therapy, that it just is what it is and I had to move on.
In one way, it's rather like plane crash or violent auto crash or wartime or trauma survivors : many of the survivors have wanted to return to that moment when they could make it NOT happen. Way down in there, they know they cannot. It will always be. Sometimes, that's where people get stuck - that moment in time that cannot ever be changed.

 

[zip14]

We had a case in Canada last year where a popular LGBTQ Preacher in Toronto was accused of historic sexual assault from Halifax in the 70's. He was acquitted and all of his politician friends came to his defense before testimony was even given.

"It's not what I remember but what I cannot forget" is what one of the teen victims said in testimony regarding the drunken party in his trailer. Brent Hawkes was a high school teacher and coach at the time.

In his defense, he admitted that there was drinking but felt it was ok because he claims he didn't provide it.

I am sick of seeing these people treated lightly by the courts.

 

[Esterio]

Hi zip14

I would have to agree with you and that testimony from the one victim says it all. It is not what I remember it is what I can not forget. I see that very well.

He was the adult in the room and responsible. I am sorry for the way all these cases work out. Not very often that victims get justice. I am sick of the courts as well. Seen to many just walk away no punishment. It makes me sick as well.

Thanks for sharing
Take Care
Esterio

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[Suwanee]

I’ve often wondered the same thing. I have nothing concrete that I can point to other than the perp frequently mentioned giving out “Bennies” and “Rainbows” to calm everyone down—-meaning Xanax and Tuinal. He made frequent references to other similar drugs in conversation.
My memories of that night are fragmented, but vivid. I can’t say either way whether or not he drugged me with either one. Whether it was the trauma of what transpired, or something else is unknown.

Will

 

[i-m-Bri]

I strongly suspect I was was drugged once my kidnapper got me top his apartment. I have very few memories of the 3 days there. I sensed I slept. I have no memory of taking anything not even water. I do know he or someone else did things to me. I know I wanted it to stop but couldn't climb out of the fog. I don't know how to feel about it.
To speak freely, I don't feel like the sex traumatized me, because I was sedated. What did affect me is the fact it happened, that he used me. I had no control. So it's not the events, but that they occurred. Sedation doesn't mitigate abuse, it just confuses it.

It was different the the drug used to paralyze me during the rape. That didn't fuck with my awareness. I was conscious the whole time. Fuck them, they were greedy pigs soiling us for what?

 

[WG]

The ways our perpetrators used something to lull us into a sense of helplessness or lured us with promises of 'fun'.
Mine was the next door neighbor. He worked evenings, wife worked during the day. My home was pretty chaotic and they had a calm yard, a swing set and a pretty patio. He would also allow me to have chocolate milk and watch cartoons. I could even sit on the couch with the chocolate milk. I wasn't allowed to do that at home. You get the rest : grooming, sitting with me, saying I'm a nice boy and on and on. Then the trap sprung.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Bri

I to was drug it started with alcohol and I am not sure what the drugs were the first time he got me. The drug he used after that was Heroine It made me so sick I remember throwing up all over the place. I really think this was where my addictions came from. I am glad heroine made me so sick that I didn't turn into a junkie. I was aware of everything he did to me powerless to do anything.

I am glad we are alive ((((Bri)))))
Esterio

 

[Anomalous]

Hi Zip,

I am very sorry to hear this happened to you and to others.

I, too, was drugged by one of my abusers. This was long before I had ever heard of "date r*pe" drugs.

There are brief periods in which I "came to," but was incapable of moving or the ability to speak.

Is this your mind "protecting you?"

If drugs were used, more than likely your mind was not capable of forming memories, or complete memories.

In addition to rendering people incapable of fighting back, one of the primary purposes of those substances is to prevent the formation of memories. In this way, an individual usually does not have any recall of what was done to them.

Like yourself, some of us have memory fragments. If we do confront the abusers with these partial memories, we are often told "you must have been dreaming," or some other such nonsense to dismiss our experiences, or to make us doubt what little we remember.

Drugging people only adds to the heinousness of their behaviors and shows what cowards they are.




Anomalous

 

[Tom E.]

Zip14
Sorry you went through the abuse. Keep coming back & sharing.

 

[zip14]

Today I attended a trial for another victim of my Perp to lend some moral support. He noted when asked that he had no recollection of what happened the next day/morning following the abuse. Like me, he woke up to the abuse in the middle of the night while camping in a tent. His exact words were that the next morning was vague, can't remember at all. I had a brief chat with him to let him know how brave I thought he was and let him know he is not alone. It was a strange but comforting moment.

 

[Esterio]

hi Zip

That was a good thing for you to do. Thank you. It must have also been a hard thing for you to do as well.

Take Care
Esterio

 

[zip14]

Esterio, I too had support. My wife and daughter were there. They encouraged me to say hello. It was difficult but he received my gesture with open arms. I think it was good for both of us. Healing I guess I would say. I didn't even tell him my name...

 

[Bluedogone]

zip14,

Well done, and congratulations to both of you !!

I'm sorry you had the experience, but it's pretty heartening to read of your support for this other abuse survivor. Knowing we are not alone is half the battle to recovery.

Blue

 

[Esterio]

Hi Zip

That really made me feel good for you and for him. That was a show of humanity we don't see a lot of. I am glad to hear you had good supports there with you as well. Support really helps in those settings.

Take Care
Rsterio

 

[i-m-Bri]

zip14,

Wow!
I know I'm not the only guy my perps abused. I often think what it would be like to meet one of them. You closed a circle, and gave him a great gift. Thank you.

 

[zip14]

Meeting him just gave me a feeling that I wasn't alone. A lot like coming in here but more intense, face to face and shaking his hand. We share something awful that played a massive role in our development.

I think the investigating detective advised him who I was and when I approached he stood up and smiled at me. Felt a lot of anxiety leave me instantly. It was a very strange feeling but a good one.

Once again, I remain convinced that our Perp assaulted all of the boys on that camping trip in the snow but somehow I was the only one who awoke. I guess they are the lucky ones in the end.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Zip

That made you important to all the other boys as you can recall and without you there maybe no case against your perpetrator. I am sorry for what happened on that camping trip. Very glad your are a survivor and able to share. Yes you share something none of us deserved to have happened to us. I would bet when he met you he had a similar feeling"not so alone"

Thanks for sharing with us Zip

Take Care
Esterio