Was I abused?
I'd like to tell my story because I've been carrying it around for 25 years and I don't really know what to do with it anymore.
When I was 11 or 12, for lack of a better term, I played 'doctor' with my cousin who was probably 5 or 6 at the time. I remember it being mutual. There wasn't any penetration or anything like that. In fact, I never took off my clothes. It was more of an opportunity for me to explore a female body. I came from a sexually confusing family (mom went to church every Sunday, but dad was into porn). So, there was nothing more than some showing and some touching. I remember once performing oral sex on her. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I would often stop myself out of shame and guilt. I think I remember her being more confused by that than anything else.
This continued for a few months. I was then approached by my uncle. He said that he knew what we were doing. He could give enough details that I knew he wasn't making it all up. I was terrified. My worst secret was revealed. I thought he was going to tell everyone, my parents would kill me, I would be ostracized from the family. But, instead he told me that he was going to put my cousin to bed. And then he wanted me to go into the room and do our usual touching. When I asked why, he replied "Because I want to join in". Now, I was pretty sure that what I was doing was wrong. But, I was absolutely positive that what he was asking was not right.
He put her to bed and I stood in the doorway and I could see her lying there. I could also see his shadow on the door of the second doorway. I stood there shaking for a moment trying to figure out what to do. But, instead of doing what he wanted, I walked away and towards the kitchen where the rest of the family was so he couldn't approach me like that again. After a moment or two, he came out to the kitchen and looked at me. I think I saw a look of superiority. He knew that I wasn't going to tell on him because I was too scared. And unfortunately he was right.
I've always felt guilty about the whole thing. About what I did to my cousin. I felt guilty for abandoning her there. I later found out that my uncle sexually abused all of my female cousins. It wasn't until maybe 20 years later that he was caught and sent to jail. But, I've felt that if I had just said something that night and been a little braver, then maybe I could have stopped everything. I never was there for my cousin. I think she tried to talk to me about it later on. But, I always shut her down before the conversation could get started. I even hit her one time. I just never wanted to face that part of my life again, but I never could escape it either.
I feel trapped in the past. I never touched my cousin or any other woman for over twenty years. I've always been uncomfortable around women and I don't know how to talk to them. I rarely date and when I do, its so awkward and uncomfortable that a first date rarely ever moves on to a second. I feel worthless like nothing I can do is ever right. I feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven or to have a happy life.
So, I need to know. Was I abused or the abuser?
When I was 11 or 12, for lack of a better term, I played 'doctor' with my cousin who was probably 5 or 6 at the time. I remember it being mutual. There wasn't any penetration or anything like that. In fact, I never took off my clothes. It was more of an opportunity for me to explore a female body. I came from a sexually confusing family (mom went to church every Sunday, but dad was into porn). So, there was nothing more than some showing and some touching. I remember once performing oral sex on her. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I would often stop myself out of shame and guilt. I think I remember her being more confused by that than anything else.
This continued for a few months. I was then approached by my uncle. He said that he knew what we were doing. He could give enough details that I knew he wasn't making it all up. I was terrified. My worst secret was revealed. I thought he was going to tell everyone, my parents would kill me, I would be ostracized from the family. But, instead he told me that he was going to put my cousin to bed. And then he wanted me to go into the room and do our usual touching. When I asked why, he replied "Because I want to join in". Now, I was pretty sure that what I was doing was wrong. But, I was absolutely positive that what he was asking was not right.
He put her to bed and I stood in the doorway and I could see her lying there. I could also see his shadow on the door of the second doorway. I stood there shaking for a moment trying to figure out what to do. But, instead of doing what he wanted, I walked away and towards the kitchen where the rest of the family was so he couldn't approach me like that again. After a moment or two, he came out to the kitchen and looked at me. I think I saw a look of superiority. He knew that I wasn't going to tell on him because I was too scared. And unfortunately he was right.
I've always felt guilty about the whole thing. About what I did to my cousin. I felt guilty for abandoning her there. I later found out that my uncle sexually abused all of my female cousins. It wasn't until maybe 20 years later that he was caught and sent to jail. But, I've felt that if I had just said something that night and been a little braver, then maybe I could have stopped everything. I never was there for my cousin. I think she tried to talk to me about it later on. But, I always shut her down before the conversation could get started. I even hit her one time. I just never wanted to face that part of my life again, but I never could escape it either.
I feel trapped in the past. I never touched my cousin or any other woman for over twenty years. I've always been uncomfortable around women and I don't know how to talk to them. I rarely date and when I do, its so awkward and uncomfortable that a first date rarely ever moves on to a second. I feel worthless like nothing I can do is ever right. I feel like I don't deserve to be forgiven or to have a happy life.
So, I need to know. Was I abused or the abuser?
