Was I abused?

Was I abused?
T

The Lone Wolf

Registrant
What I'm about to say I have never told another living sole. Not my friends, not my family, and at times not even myself.

For what seems like forever now I have been living with these two images in the back of my head. I'm not really sure what to make of them, it feels like it really happened, but them again it could all just be in my head.

I'm not sure how to expain this but ever since I was like 5, maybe six, I had these two memories of my female babysitter, the only one I've ever had, letting me touch her private areas. For the longest time I've put it off as it wasn't a big deal, that it was part of growing up.

Now I'll admit I'm a pretty screwed up person. School days were hell to me and that's where most of my problems come from. For a while I've thought of my issues an quirks and just what me an individual, but now I really feel like this stuff is holding my back as a person.

I've started looking into getting counceling but its been a stuggle. I have a real problem opening up to people, especally "counselors". I'll explain that a little later.

It's almost 1am, I need to sleep...
 
You are not alone when you feel that, what you have always known and feared in your heart is true. Sometimes that revelation can actually free us, for then we can do something about it. For then we can heal, and I pray the same for you.
So Mr wolf keep writing, and write it all out. and you are no longer alone.
 
Hi Lone Wolf,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I hope you find the answers you are looking for here. When I set my first tentative foot inside the chat room here I didn't know what to expect. What I found was a sense of coming home. There were guys just like me here that knew what I was feeling and thinking, even tho I hadn't even said it yet.

I sure do understand how you feel being scared about opening up to talk. I was so scared. I couldn't tell anybody. I finally got past that, although it is still difficult. Just know that what you're experiencing is not unique to you. You are not alone.

I too, had a really rough time at school which I believe was a direct result of low self esteem caused by sexual abuse, as well as some emotional and physical abuse. It was really messed up for me.

One of the issues that many of survivors face is that of blaming ourselves for what happened to us when we were so very young. It has been a hard thing for me to come to grips with, that I have no blame in what happened. I don't know if you are haunted by any of those feelings or not, but if you are, rest assured that you are/were not at fault.

Hang around here with us, my friend. Post when and if you want to, or just lurk in the background reading and learning. The guys here truly care about you and what you've experienced, both past and present.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
Hello Lone Wolf,

Welcome.

I'm really glad you had the courage it took to tell us. Around here, you are not alone. Your screen name, "The Lone Wolf," conveys a picture of loneliness but just know thiss: YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE. Those fears and fealings you have expressed are all to common here. And that is why we come here, to support each other in the hard times. I think you will find that life is easier when you are not alone. You are among friends.

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Lone Wolf,

I will just add my own word of welcome to MS. You are safe here and all of us will try to understand and support you as best we can. Post, ask questions, and look around; find a pace that is comfortable to you and don't feel rushed into saying things for which you aren't ready yet.

You should know that fragmentary memories are common among abuse survivors. As Andrew says, therapy is a good idea. Often a therapist will be able to see things just from your behavior, without hearing details of your past.

Also, do bear in mind that seeing a therapist isn't a sign of failure or weakness. It takes real courage to ask for the help we need in this sort of area. Sexual abuse is not a "do it yourself" project.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks all for the fine welcome, I'm still not sure why I'm really here. I've looked at some of the horror stories on this site I feel kind of ashamed I brought it all up. It's one of the things I'm trying to figure out, weather I'm really making a moutain out of an anthill.

As for "The Lone Wolf", it's really the name of my motorcycle. But, it is true..pretty much all my life, I've lived alone, most of it as just a means to survive. I'm convinced if I didn't cut myself off literally from everyone by the time I was in high school, I probably would of snapped. One of the things that have stayed with me was when one of my classmates wrote in my yearbook, "why don't you do us all a favor and kill yourself."

I've never been suicidal, it goes against all my values in life. Although at a time people believed I was, mostly through a very big misunderstanding, one I don't like talking about. One of my fears of therepists is that if I tell my story they will feel I need to be locked up for pretty much the rest of my life.

girlfriends have been too few and too far between, actually I've never had someone I could really call a "girlfriend". All I've ever been is just a "friend." For the longest time it didn't bother me, but now it makes me sick. I'm at the point where if a girl I'm interested in says something like "your such a good friend," I pretty feel it's over and start to dissaccosiate with them. I know it's petty but....ah hell with it.

Okay done venting...
 
Lone Wolf,

Please don't minimize your own case by comparing it to others. It's a natural inclination and we all do it, but the reality is that each of us has our own pain and hurt, to recover from. Our horror is our own, and that is what we have to deal with. No one here will look at your situation and wonder why you are here. Quite the contrary. This is a band of brothers and you are most welcome.

Much love,
Larry
 
I spent a lot of soul searching the past few days, trying to figure out what was "normal" for my age or whatever....I remember kissing a girl in 2nd grade, we would practically make out in the back of the bus on the way home.

Funny thing is that I didn't kiss another girl until about 20 years later. Not that I didn't want to, just every time I tried to express my feelings, things would backfire, implode and blow up in my face. One incident in particualar I feel scared me for life and I've never been able to really express myself since.

Another thing I been thinking about is that usually when someone talked about being sexually abused, the term "molestation" or being "molested" would come up. I think that's why I've never thought of myself as being abused. No one ever touched me or had they're way with me, so I never was molested.
 
Hi LW, I am not knocking what happened to you. But could it be that you have more than one problem.

In my case, I have a real problem getting close to women that I am attracted to. I did get married, but if I was to become single again I would have the same problem. Now this could be due to being raped at 11 years of age by a stranger. But I also read a book about love-shy men, that seemed to fit me very well. https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=43;t=000029

You may find the book interesting to read.

Take care,
Lostcowboy
 
Lone Wolf,

Abuse doesn't have to involve the victim being touched or any of what we might call the most usual sexual acts. Abuse is when one person with power over another exploits that power for their own sexual gratification and at the expense of the victim.

For example, if a boy is made to watch while his father or mother or older sibling exposes themselves, that is abuse. If a kid masturbates in his room and is secretly being watched, that is abuse. Or in your case, if a babysitter convinces a boy to touch her genitals, that is abuse. The abuser is using the boy for their own pleasure, and the feelings of confusion, fear and shame that the boy feels can be just as traumatic as if he had actually been touched himself. His feelings of boundaries have still been grossly violated.

Much love,
Larry
 
LoneWolf,

I would add to what Larry says. My Therapist has worked with a case where a young boy was shown Porn by a perp on just one occasion. There was no physical contact involved. The affects on the child were similar to other cases where there was prolonged CSA over a period of years.

I think the bottom line here is abuse is abuse and the so called "severity" of it doesn't always figure into the equasion. It is all damaging to the child.

I wish you the best as you work through these painful things from your childhood.

Love and Courage to you my friend,

John
 
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