Was I abused? Possible triggers

Was I abused? Possible triggers
A

Archnut

Registrant
Im in a bit of a mess at the moment. This morning I suffered from the biggest anxiety attack in years and nearly passed out, my mouth is as dry as a bone, Im giddy and Im scared. I have had a couple recently but not as bad as this. What has triggered this off?

I suspect that the root cause of it is my anger as I feel somewhat bemused by a comment in a reply to my posting caf owner thinks its ok to sexually abuse underage boys. Or I have read it totally wrong (which is more than likely). The reply included the comment: One other thing just came to mind. It didn't seem like the guy was saying it was OK to abuse fifteen year olds, more that he didn't think his own experience was abuse. McNally goes onto say I had that experience with him, and nothing was forced. Now this is where I am having problems. None of my abusers forced me to do anything, I was expertly groomed by my original abuser and I didnt try to protect myself as I didnt want to jepodise the relationship as it was in this relationship that I gained recognition, encouragement and believe it or not some affection. After the first sexual assault I was fed the lies that all gays do this and I was not to feel guilty about it. I was 14 years of age. Once more after the original assault (aided with a straight pornographic film). I was in such a state mentally. What could I do? Was I gay? That frightened the life out of me as at the time the homophobia in the UK was rife and I didnt want to be a poof. Things got worse at home and the thought of a policeman walking up the front path scared the living daylights out of me. I was never, ever to be the cause of the police knocking on the door. That thought truly frightened me. So I didnt say anything even though I was put under a child psychologist and had numerous tests on the old brain box. Years later I was to discover my fathers little criminal episodes Like storing things for people there was a bigger chance of him getting nicked than me. By this time I was homeless and sleeping on a nearby railway station which had covering. Occasionally I would stay at my original abusers and in a very short space of time he introduced me, and paraded me to other like minded Gay men and I occasionally used them for warmth, something to eat and sometimes a bed. If I stayed the night I had to sleep with them and basically let them do what they wanted, after the first assault the damage was done and it couldnt possibly get any worse.

It did.

I was raped twice whilst under the influence of Teachers and Cutty Sark scotch and Beefeater Gin. I was still fourteen and I was being sexually assaulted by three more making a total of five in this Gay group as they saw themselves as just that and not pedophiles. They still maintain that they are gay as a few of them liked youngish boys from about twelve, they view this as normal. I hasten to add no force was ever used I was very, very drunk when the rapes took place. I was still fourteen.

Im waffling now so I will come to the point.

From the information I have disclosed here?

Am I being too sensitive? To other peoples interpretations.


Was I abused?

Archnut :(
And all that was left was hope
 
Arch,

I read the article you linked to and I think McNally is in deep denial. My opinion.

I don't think you are being too sensitive. Your feelings are your feelings.

As to whether you were abused? Hell yes you were! Force is not always physical. And whether you were "under the influence" or not does not mean you wanted what happened to happen.

I hope this helps and I hope you take some special care of yourself!

Marc
 
Archnut,

It sure the hell sounds like you were abused. You feel the effects of the abuse. What about this leads you begin to doubt it? Someone else's experience or denial.

Take care,
Bill
 
Check out the new definition on the home page of what sexual abuse is. I think you will see it fits your experiences.

Ken
 
Archnut,

You're not crazy, nor wrong.

As someone here told me a long time ago, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

Quack.

I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. The men responsible are animals and there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or about.

I know it will get better for you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Archnut,

I know I replied to that post you mention, but my point was that Mc Nally has no right to say someone else's experience was not abuse.

You know you were abused by the effects. Denial is about denying the effects, not denying the historical accuracy of the events. If Mc Nally wants to deny what happened to him was abuse, there are many in that boat with him. If you want to work through the effects of the abuse you endured, we're all trying to do the same with the effects of abuse on our lives.

You know by the hurt what's abuse and what isn't. Don't let anyone try to tell you how much you hurt.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Archnut
I had a similar experience a few years ago when someone 'famous' ( so famous I can't remember who they are ) said of their time in a boarding school that "buggery was normal there, it was expected, and it didn't do me any harm at all"

Well "hufuckingrray" for him - it fucked me up big time. If he's cool with it then so be it, but DONT deny that others aren't in that position !
I personally DON'T think they are cool with it, their postion is just denial.

You picked up on a phrase someone else said here a few days back - I think it was something like "SURVIVAL SEX" - and it fitted your experience totally.

You were "expertly groomed" and then found yourself in a position where sex was the only thing left to trade for your survival.

You WERE abused, I know that for sure.

Take care
Dave
 
Arch - I was expertly groomed ...there was never any violence, never any threats and I was a sober 12 year old at the time!

I know he abused me - you know you were also abused....don't let anyone tell you different.

That was my problem for so long, that I pretended it had never happened and then started to believe it was my fault. That bastard had caused so much psychological damage to a vulnerable 12 year old, that I believed everything he told me.

No I don't think you are being too sensitive!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Hi Archnut--

I'm sorry that my response to your post bothered you. Really sorry. I was just thinking openly about the story you were quoting, that's all.

I would never try to define someone else's experience for them, so since that's what you seem to think I was doing, I apologize for the missed communication.

As Joe said in his response, "You know by the hurt what's abuse and what isn't. Don't let anyone try to tell you how much you hurt."

Again, sorry. The last thing I want to do here is cause anyone any pain at all.

Danny
 
I want to reply to your post because what you write is all too familiar to me.

I work for an organization here in the U.S. that helps homeless teens.

We call what those guys did to you while you were homeless "survival" s'x. They may not have thought they were doing anything wrong, they may say they were not doing anything wrong, but they were.

Easily, half or more of the young people we see have been sexually abused or are using or have used what we call "survival s'x" to get by while homeless on the street.

You say you were not forced but getting you drunk is just another way of forcing it upon you. Predatory adults often use alcohol and drugs as enticements and to make their victims more pliable. That is abuse also.

If you think you were going along with it because you were aroused, that is not correct. It was still abuse. If you did not protest at the time, it was still abuse. If you "went along" with it because you wanted a roof over your head and/or something to eat, it was still abuse.

Adults using teenagers for sex is just that and nothing else no matter what they call it. It is wrong and it is abuse.

The abuser(s) is/are absolutely reponsible. The abused kid is absolutely not responsible.

Even if think they are willing, even if some people call it pr'stitution it is still abuse.

Adults, usually men, preying on young people for their gratification is wrong and is abuse.

We call them "predatory adults." Their victims, no matter how willing they think they are, no matter if they think they have 'chosen' this way of getting a roof over their head or something to eat are absolutely not responsible, not at fault.

For eight years, I have worked around these kids. Some people might think I would get used to it. I don't. My anger is, if anything, greater than ever.

I too ran away when I was 17 and was s'xually abused. I narrowly escaped being beat up. All I found for shelter was a bush in a park that, of course, didn't keep the rain out. Every person I encountered, every dark corner was a potential threat.

I remember sitting in an all-night laundromat trying to get some shelter before I was kicked out. I hung in the back so I wouldn't be noticed. I remember looking out the back window on to an iron stairway that led to an upper floor. There, on one of the narrow treads was a small dead bird, its wings soaked and ruined by the rain.

I remember thinking then that I was just like that little bird. I was emotionally dying, almost dead inside. Fortunately, I eventually found a little ray of hope and followed it a very long way until reaching this point in my life where I can see a grand blaze of potential happiness laying before me.

I wish this for you, too, Archnut and all of my brothers here who are struggling and on the verge of giving up hope. They did a lot of things to you, took a lot away from you. They did not, could not take, however, the goodness that you hold deep within you. Hold on to that. Its what always holds you apart from them.
 
Danny

Please belive me when I say it was not personal. I would have flipped at my wife if she had said or implied the same thing.

Would I be right in saying that us survivors are hyper sensitive thats why we can relate to each other, we feel each others pain.

And Brayton

What you say is so true and like you I feel for lost and damaged things with you it was the bird with me it is children's soft toys like a bear or favourite toy thats been dropped from a buggy. At seeing those things laying in the street (on occasions) makes me think of the child and wondering if that little person is distraught at its loss.

Its almost like those toys have taken on their own personality....very strange.

I have a small stuffed dog called Renfrew after a famous archaeologist. :D

Now I have lost it..... My mind that is :)

Thankyou everyone I just needed it backing up, if you know what I mean.

Archnut :cool:
"And all that was left was hope"

PS: Oh yes I have just become a grandad for the fourth time :D :D
 
WOW! I just read your message and if you were not abused, then neaither was I. OK, we all know we were abused! Like you, I was "trained" as to what to do and how to please others!

You are not alone!

TeeJay
 
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