Wanting to help, not knowing how
Hi all...I found this site after a lenghty phone conversation with my best friend (since we go to different colleges at this point, we live about 5 hours apart, hence this was done over the phone) and am hoping someone here can help.
My best friend of 7 years called me tonight distraught and wanting to talk to me but seemed to not know how (which, in 7 years, has never happened). I asked him what was wrong and he said he just couldn't take it anymore. And I asked him what it was he couldn't take and he told me that he couldn't tell me. That it was something too awful, something that would make me hate him and think he was horrible and worthless. In disbelief I asked him if there was anything, in our 7 years, that he'd not been able to tell me, anything I'd ever said or done to make him think he couldn't trust me. And he just said it was too awful and that he couldn't tell me... After many, many rounds of the conversation going like this he finally broke down and my pleading with him to tell me what was going on finally broke through I suppose. He said that he might as well tell me, even if it meant I'd hate him, because he couldn't keep to himself anymore. I'm the first...the only...person he's told and this happened over 15 years ago.
Quietly, I listened as he explained that while he was only 6, his uncle was living with his family in their house. Right around the time he was 10, he began to remember his uncle doing things to him...he says the memories are sketchy at best, but knows that things were done that shouldn't have been. And I think it bothers him that the memories are so sketchy, because it keeps him from completely knowing what happened. And he doesn't understand how he can remember just little snippets and not the whole thing.
He went on to begin talking about how worthless (his self-esteem was never fantastic) and unattractive he feels, how he wants to get married and have a family, but thinks he'll never be good enough...the list goes on, and it breaks my heart. He's one of the nicest, most understanding, compassionate, creative, and gentle people I know.
As you can guess, he blames himself for what his uncle did. Says that he should have resisted or refused, that he shouldn't have listened to his uncle. He truly believes it was his fault.
He is also afraid to get anywhere near younger kids, having read somewhere that child molesters were often abused themselves as children. He has such a low opinion of himself, he somehow believes that being around children will make him do to them what his uncle did to him.
Once he finished telling me...I spent the majority of the rest of the conversation trying to make him understand that I didn't see him in the horrible way he was sure I would. I believe he at least sort of believed it by the time the conversation was over...but he kept saying he didn't understand how I could not hate him. A glimmer of hope: he did say he was glad he'd told me and that it was almost a relief to be able to say it to someone. Since this is the first time he's spoken of this to anyone, I didn't want to bring up the idea of counseling yet, because I just wanted him to not feel any further stress about telling me.
So...I'm looking for any advice or help about how to proceed. He's such an amazing person and I can't imagine what keeping this to himself for 15 years must have been like. I know the repercussions of the abuse and the silence must be many, and deep, and I want to do anything I can to help him begin to heal.
Also, and I hate to think about myself right now, but I know that if I'm not keeping myself together, I won't be of any help to him. I'm not sure how to process this information. It's a shock. And I'm so glad he opened up to me...but it makes me a little nervous knowing that I'm the only person he's ever trusted enough to tell this to. And I can't imagine how he really feels...but knowing as much as I do, hearing how scared and hurt he is...truly breaks my heart. I think about this happening to him and him dealing with it alone and in silence for so long, and I can't stop crying for him. I managed to not burst into tears on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I haven't been able to stop crying for more than 10 minutes.
My best friend of 7 years called me tonight distraught and wanting to talk to me but seemed to not know how (which, in 7 years, has never happened). I asked him what was wrong and he said he just couldn't take it anymore. And I asked him what it was he couldn't take and he told me that he couldn't tell me. That it was something too awful, something that would make me hate him and think he was horrible and worthless. In disbelief I asked him if there was anything, in our 7 years, that he'd not been able to tell me, anything I'd ever said or done to make him think he couldn't trust me. And he just said it was too awful and that he couldn't tell me... After many, many rounds of the conversation going like this he finally broke down and my pleading with him to tell me what was going on finally broke through I suppose. He said that he might as well tell me, even if it meant I'd hate him, because he couldn't keep to himself anymore. I'm the first...the only...person he's told and this happened over 15 years ago.
Quietly, I listened as he explained that while he was only 6, his uncle was living with his family in their house. Right around the time he was 10, he began to remember his uncle doing things to him...he says the memories are sketchy at best, but knows that things were done that shouldn't have been. And I think it bothers him that the memories are so sketchy, because it keeps him from completely knowing what happened. And he doesn't understand how he can remember just little snippets and not the whole thing.
He went on to begin talking about how worthless (his self-esteem was never fantastic) and unattractive he feels, how he wants to get married and have a family, but thinks he'll never be good enough...the list goes on, and it breaks my heart. He's one of the nicest, most understanding, compassionate, creative, and gentle people I know.
As you can guess, he blames himself for what his uncle did. Says that he should have resisted or refused, that he shouldn't have listened to his uncle. He truly believes it was his fault.
He is also afraid to get anywhere near younger kids, having read somewhere that child molesters were often abused themselves as children. He has such a low opinion of himself, he somehow believes that being around children will make him do to them what his uncle did to him.
Once he finished telling me...I spent the majority of the rest of the conversation trying to make him understand that I didn't see him in the horrible way he was sure I would. I believe he at least sort of believed it by the time the conversation was over...but he kept saying he didn't understand how I could not hate him. A glimmer of hope: he did say he was glad he'd told me and that it was almost a relief to be able to say it to someone. Since this is the first time he's spoken of this to anyone, I didn't want to bring up the idea of counseling yet, because I just wanted him to not feel any further stress about telling me.
So...I'm looking for any advice or help about how to proceed. He's such an amazing person and I can't imagine what keeping this to himself for 15 years must have been like. I know the repercussions of the abuse and the silence must be many, and deep, and I want to do anything I can to help him begin to heal.
Also, and I hate to think about myself right now, but I know that if I'm not keeping myself together, I won't be of any help to him. I'm not sure how to process this information. It's a shock. And I'm so glad he opened up to me...but it makes me a little nervous knowing that I'm the only person he's ever trusted enough to tell this to. And I can't imagine how he really feels...but knowing as much as I do, hearing how scared and hurt he is...truly breaks my heart. I think about this happening to him and him dealing with it alone and in silence for so long, and I can't stop crying for him. I managed to not burst into tears on the phone, but the moment we hung up, I haven't been able to stop crying for more than 10 minutes.
