Wanting to give up... Possible TRIGGERS

[VASurvivor]

I've sought "answers" to my problems for years. Only recently (a few months ago) did I understand that many of my problems are a direct result from my CSA.

Problem is now my wife. I "acted out" several months ago, which was the same time all this CSA stuff came out. She knew some of it before, as I knew some of her life's traumas.

But now it's specifically about sex. First off, I hate that very word... I've also felt uncomfortable with the phrase, "making love". I've been thinking on all this a lot, obviously. As a CSA survivor, I am comfortable calling it "physical intimacy." Maybe that sounds too sterile, but it doesn't have the triggers associated with it that the others do.

Problem is that I feel my wife wants sex all the time. In one sentence she says she doesn't, but the next she says "but I would take it all the time if it was being offered." This makes me uncomfortable. She feels I do not "want" her. I try to tell her I do, but I feel that the only thing that would satisfy her is if I whip it out right there and then - and that feeling is coming from a place of anger. This couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't know how to tell her that I need time to warm up. I've tried to tell her that, and she says, "there you go - looking for another loophole to not have sex with me."

She feels that I don't want her. And I feel that she wants only one part of me - the VERY part that others have so freely taken. In that sense, she is not unlike THEM!

I don't want her to hurt. I understand she has needs. But all I hear is how I am not meeting them, EVER. (Oh, like the last time we had a week of nothing but physical intimacy?! Apparently that wasn't good enough either.) I try to "connect" with her in other ways, all the time. And there's actually nothing more that I enjoy than being with her physically. But I am stuck and need her to give me the room to get unstuck without being angry at me. She views this as I don't "want" her.

I want to give up. (Don't worry - I have the suicide hotline number taped to by fucking computer screen...) Nothing is going right in my life. I'm 3 months behind on the mortgage. My wife doesn't like me except when I'm giving her sex. My kid hates me because my wife and I argue all the time. My customers are unhappy. My neighbors hate me because I don't keep my yard like they want it. I can't get a fucking thing right apparently. And yet, I still try. For what?! Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. Nobody ever points out what I do that is right and good. Point is, why try anymore?

 

[justplainme]

Adulthood ain't an easy thing man, you do everything and you should not expect a pat in the back. It's hard when you have too deal with these feelings and at the same time be a man, take a step back...breathe. Look at what can be fixed best first to create less pressure on you, be honest to your emotions and try to make the best of them because i believe that is the best thing a human can do for those around him. Life is a race now a days, it can kill you if you don't slow down. I know my words may be just lines on a screen but changing our attitude towards our problems is one of the main factors behind solving them. I know you can be fed up,had enough,next lifetime please. But there isn't.. what you do now is what counts.

 

[Bardo]

VA,
The pressures of life, especially money, and in addition to your challenge trying to heal, may seem overwhelming. Boy do I get that! Maybe a little triage will help you get back on track. IMHO, the money pressure (At least in my life), makes everything worse. And you need a roof over your head. What can you do to make your customers happy again? Screw the neighbors(figuratively of course), and work on your business. Your relationship with your wife is a constant, so you will be working through that as you go. But if you can relieve just one of your pressure points, then the others will get more room to breath. And come in here to vent anytime. We are always up!

 

[Bluedogone]

VASurvivor,

O man, do I identify with so many of your thoughts.Thanks for your courage to post such a "let it all hangout" statement and for your willingness to share in this post. You ask an important question, "Why try anymore?" Nothing wrong with a rant and feeling of utter despair and frustration sometime, but I think there are several reasons to hang in there and keep trying.

...1. The kid you think hates you because you argue all the time. He/she loves you and needs you to be there to nurture and watch them grow up into a fantastic teen and mature adult. What you perceive as hate is probably anxiety because of the tense situation. So many times our children think tension with their parents is their fault so they blame themselves for what's happening.
...2. Your customers who are unhappy. What better way to have a real sense of accomplishment than to meet their needs and see that they are satisfied with what you can offer them. A great feeling to once again have happy customers.
... 3. Your neighbors. The best revenge is success. How satisfying is that going to be when you finally showcase your yard as "best in the neighborhood" and you can proudly say - fuck you neighbor. That can't happen if you quit trying.
And last - but not least
...4. Your wife. is she really a problem? You've been married several years, you have a great kid, you must have been doing something right in the bedroom, and have had some pretty good times together along the way, even if in a rough spot right now, you've had a home for some time ( the three month mortgage can eventually be caught up). Sounds like the good just might out weigh the bad.

There's no question CSA can really screw up all the sexual wiring. For many years of our married life my mind would be saying "Yes, Yes" but my body was saying "No, No"
And the response was always, "you don't really love me, or you would want me." There's no denying, THAT is tough. And I never had a good answer, but I found that sometime sexual intimacy can sometime be much more than just whipping it out, and those moments seemed to gloss over what may appear to be insatiable needs.

So, my thoughts and good wishes go out to you in this most stressful of times. Hold on to the suicide hotline phone number, but hang in there. Good luck, IT DOES GET BETTER.

 

[KMCINVA]

VASurvivor


I am sorry for all your difficulties, but do not give up because you have a child who does love you. Children do not always show their love, but deep inside they want your nurturing and support.

Remember CSA screws up our wiring. We begin to think differently and that influences how we view ourselves and the world. We need to change how we think. Thinking differently helps to rewire how we perceive ourselves. They say this occurs through neuro-plasticity. The experts have learned our minds wiring is changed by how we think.

It is a process and over time you do begin to think differently and this translates into happier emotions and feelings. The haunting of sexual feelings left from the abuse/rape change. You see yourself with value. When you see value in yourself the people around you see value in you--including your neighbors and customers. Your "physical intimacy" will become pleasurable and it will not be sterile or you will not fear the act because it will no longer bring back the memories of the abuse.

Your wife needs to understand, and hopefully she has spoken with professionals in CSA and trauma to understand where you are in the process of healing. If not, this could help her and together you will be able to build a safe space where sex is truly pleasurable. Feeling safe is so important, and it extends beyond the bedroom. Do you feel safe around your wife, sharing, talking or do you feel some type of barb or negative expression will come from her mouth, triggering negative emotions of the abuse? She most likely does not know the effect words and actions may have on you as a result of the abuse. Unfortunately, how silence and the vast majority of the world do not understand the impact of CSA and trauma, including many in the medical profession. However, this does not stop people from giving ill advise. As you heal and begin to take control of your life, both you and your partner feel safe, sex becomes pleasurable. You are able to connect the emotion with the physical pleasure. I can tell you personally, feeling safe in the relationship is so important to heightening the pleasure and connection. I was healing and releasing the control of my abuser, I was learning to think differently about the abuse and myself. Of course I met someone during this time that knew the importance of support and making me feel safe. She was trained and gifted in this area. I believe it is important your wife receive professional support to know what you need to feel safe as well as what she needs to feel safe and loved.

So do not give up, you have recognized the problem and are working toward healing. The triggers are real and painful. What you may have done was a way of coping, you cannot change what happened but you can what happens in the present and future. You need to develop new coping mechanisms. It takes time and requires you to identify your triggers so you can implement the new coping mechanisms. For me, I would dissociate from triggers which left me in an unknown world. Many victims dissociate during the abuse and adapt this as our way of coping with the triggers and stresses. Others have compulsions, addictions and so on. A healthy coping mechanism is needed and we only realize this once we begin to heal and feel safe.

Take care of yourself. You have much to offer.

Kevin

 

[VASurvivor]

Kevin, thank you. yes, the triggers are real. i feel so unstable. i can't do anything right. and everyone around me simply says, "buck up and meet my needs." When I am unable to, i feel that much worse. and now my head is swimming with all the thoughts i spent years getting rid of.

There are times I feel very safe around my wife. but not recently. she can say the same thing. The very area that I am trying to heal - the physical intimacy - is the very thing that my wife is demanding.

I don't know how to explain that I need to take things slower... her fear is that it is non-existant - which it is when I don't feel heard. she views my sharing as more "excuses" as to why i don't want to have sex with her. It's not true. I need her to listen to what I'm saying - I am NOT saying I don't want to be intimate with her - I am saying, "this feels unsafe and I am trying to help my response, but i could use a little help here!" I am sharing a deep dark part of me, which is pretty significant I would think for a male, and I need it to be accepted for what it is - a trauma that needs to be handled as such.

I am now finally dealing with the root - the CSA - and I can't just pretend that nothing's wrong with me. I did that for too many years and it always bit me - and her too - in the ass.

What am I missing?

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

Sometimes the shortest sentences are the most illuminating.

i feel so unstable.

That is true, that you FEEL so unstable. Now start to tease apart your feeling of unstability from the reality of unstability, and start to realize that your feelings are not purely the response to external factors, but are actually the internal CAUSE of many issues.

i can't do anything right.

False, you do plenty of things right, I can guarantee it. The things you feel that are unravelling simply would not be part of your life if you couldn't do MOST things right. A wife, a child, a job, a home? Take a moment to be grateful for what really IS there, and moreover, to appreciate the relative sizes of your successes to your failures. It's so easy to take for granted the parts of your life that are working well, because they are not causing you anxiety, and are thus out of mind. At least, they are out of the mind of a person who is used to living and functioning predominantly in a state of anxiety.

and everyone around me simply says, "buck up and meet my needs." When I am unable to, i feel that much worse.

Are people around you TRULY simply saying that? This is one of those common places where perception and reality begin to diverge and do a lot of damage. Where your wife sighs because you forgot to buy milk at the grocery store and you immediately take it as "I am failing to meet everyone's needs". She didn't say that! That is your mind walking through multiple steps to go from a sigh over a mundane thing to a breakdown of your self-esteem (if you accept the example in concept). Now add up a hundred of those little things and suddenly things that are reasonably within your ability to handle and move on from are spiralling out of control, and you with them.

There are times I feel very safe around my wife. but not recently. she can say the same thing. The very area that I am trying to heal - the physical intimacy - is the very thing that my wife is demanding.

I don't know how to explain that I need to take things slower... her fear is that it is non-existant - which it is when I don't feel heard. she views my sharing as more "excuses" as to why i don't want to have sex with her. It's not true. I need her to listen to what I'm saying - I am NOT saying I don't want to be intimate with her - I am saying, "this feels unsafe and I am trying to help my response, but i could use a little help here!" I am sharing a deep dark part of me, which is pretty significant I would think for a male, and I need it to be accepted for what it is - a trauma that needs to be handled as such.

I am now finally dealing with the root - the CSA - and I can't just pretend that nothing's wrong with me. I did that for too many years and it always bit me - and her too - in the ass.

What am I missing?

A lot of times the obvious escapes us when we're looking for the right answer. I look at what you typed in the quote above and I think...tell her that. Tell her that word for word. Hell, print it out, sit her down and ask for her respectful attention, and read it to her. Look her in the eye and tell her how much you love her and want to get past this so you can share in physical intimacy with her. That you have a lot of hard work to do but you're committed to doing it, because your renewed sexual bond is worth it to you, and how much her patience and understanding can help.

I continue to be shocked and amazed how far some heartfelt honesty gets you in relationships. I feel the important part of this is remembering, it is not her duty to fill you in externally, you cannot obligate her to do that, and she cannot be expected to reasonably put up with that. When you own your own recovery and growth, that doesn't have to happen. Own your recovery and growth, and then ask her to stick by your side, so you can both enjoy a happier, more intimate patch of your marriage.

 

[KMCINVA]

VASurvivor

You first need to meet your needs to heal. Everyone pulling at you will only further make the healing more difficult. You need to set boundaries that work for you. Boundaries are so important in a relations husband/wife, parent/child, etc. If you cannot meet your needs how can you meet others needs and expectations.

Talk to your therapist/doctor about these conflicts. I understand when one is unraveling and everyone is coming at you, the sense of worthlessness, the sense of loss and the fears of the abuse and failing can become overwhelming. You feel despair and hopelessness and for me it made the flashbacks, nightmares more turbulent and terrifying. It increased the number of dissociative episodes that they almost became a way of life. But I found the environment that nurtured me, a nonthreatening environment. As I began to feel safe, I was able to slowly peel back the issues and the memories of the abuse. Slowly I began to look at myself differently. I was no longer escaping, I did not have lost time. To say it was easy would be a lie. I was hospitalized several times and even than I was taunted. I had horrific nightmares that resulted in my scratching my arms until they bled, I had periods of no sleep and fears each time I found myself somewhere I did not know I how got there. It goes on and on. I focused with my T, my doctors, support groups and a close circle of people who understood without expectations. This is what took me over the hump. Each of us move and heal differently. You need to work with therapist/doctor.

You need to stop holding yourself accountable to everyone else. First love yourself, and that is a key in the healing process. It was hard for me to love myself because I felt guilt and shame for the abuse and lost time. It took time but I realized I had no control over these events, all spinning and spiraling from the first time his hands violated my body in the church cellar.

It is not easy, but I fought acceptance because I believed,which was a false belief, I would learn I was truly responsible for the abuse. I allowed it, I went back to the church cellar and I told no one. Then I learned I was looking at that part of me from an adults eyes and the part of me frozen in time from the abuse was a child and I needed to look at the abuse and aftermath from a child's eyes. Part of us gets stuck in the time of the abuse. We some how let part of us go, we bury it with the memories of the abuse. But that part of us is not gone, it is there with us fighting to be recognized. One day we slowly begin to loose the battle with this part of us and the memories of the abuse take over. What triggers these events will be different for each of us. I know my triggers and have accepted them for what they are.

You are not missing anything. You are just beginning the process. You are learning what your triggers are and next you will learn how to manage the triggers.

I feel your pain. When I read your words I feel the emotions because I have lived them. And if I can make it past that time in my life I know you can. I never thought life would look so bright and full of promise, hope and love. There are voids in my life. My door is always open to the people but on different terms and expectations so I am not triggered once again.

Keep venting, keep sharing. as you said "CSA-and I can't just pretend that nothing's wrong with me. That is a great start because as victim's we pretend for so long believing it was not real, it did not effect me--but it was real and did impact you. As you move forward and feel safe, the intimacy issues will begin to fade. Why, because as you heal you will start to love 100% of you, including the child left behind at the time of the abuse.

Kevin