Wanting to Be Sexual "with" Other Men
Haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry. Lost in work, etc...
I wanted to reach out because I haven't "crossed a line" so to speak; I am really seeking to stay as far away from pornography as possible, and so far, I haven't looked directly at actual porn for about 8 months.
I've realized in recent months since dealing with a new T about my OCD and processing my trauma with my brother, that what I seek through porn is not seeking out to be sexual in some way with men, but to be sexual "with" men, meaning, in the presence of other men. Exactly as it happened to me with my brother.
The draw and pull to act out in this way is incredibly strong--I find that nothing I do seems to help me deal with it in a healthy way. Part of me has sought, repeatedly, to integrate this part of my past into my sexual expression in a healthy way ("trauma play") but it just isn't for me--the guilt and the shame is just too strong to bear. I try and put all of my sexual energies into my beautiful wife, but that often becomes a source of frustration, as my overall sex drive is not as high as it used to be (I'm now 35 years old). So, we only have sex maybe two or three times a month and I get triggered and/or feel my compulsion to view porn or masturbate at odd times that makes it difficult to coordinate to having sex with my wife. And, at times, my OCD intrusive thoughts make sex with my wife a different kind of source of frustration as I fear having gay thoughts during sex with her.
*sigh* scared, confused, tired, and really need some support/advice.
Thanks
I wanted to reach out because I haven't "crossed a line" so to speak; I am really seeking to stay as far away from pornography as possible, and so far, I haven't looked directly at actual porn for about 8 months.
I've realized in recent months since dealing with a new T about my OCD and processing my trauma with my brother, that what I seek through porn is not seeking out to be sexual in some way with men, but to be sexual "with" men, meaning, in the presence of other men. Exactly as it happened to me with my brother.
The draw and pull to act out in this way is incredibly strong--I find that nothing I do seems to help me deal with it in a healthy way. Part of me has sought, repeatedly, to integrate this part of my past into my sexual expression in a healthy way ("trauma play") but it just isn't for me--the guilt and the shame is just too strong to bear. I try and put all of my sexual energies into my beautiful wife, but that often becomes a source of frustration, as my overall sex drive is not as high as it used to be (I'm now 35 years old). So, we only have sex maybe two or three times a month and I get triggered and/or feel my compulsion to view porn or masturbate at odd times that makes it difficult to coordinate to having sex with my wife. And, at times, my OCD intrusive thoughts make sex with my wife a different kind of source of frustration as I fear having gay thoughts during sex with her.
*sigh* scared, confused, tired, and really need some support/advice.
Thanks
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