Wanting clear memories.

Wanting clear memories.

smc1972

Greeter
Staff member
I am struggling in wanting to have clear precise memories. I am doubting some things questioning things. Some stuff is messed up. I question stuff in my mind. I want to be certain I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to fuck up.

I worry I am the one who could be wrong trying to fit stuff in to make sense. There is a particular thing the is nothing me based on something my mother told me about my grandfather when she asked me that day if he had “done things to me”. I asked her about it a few months ago as why she asked me she told me why and it like freaks me out.

will normalcy ever come? What is normalcy.
 
Dear smc1972,

When my daughter thought she might have been molested by her grandfather (my father) she was confused and unsure of her memories.
I was able to help her by letting her share what she could remember and helping her to be reinforced. For example she remembered
the covering on the couch. I could verify where the couch was, when the couch was downstairs, the address where my parents lived to help
her confirm that the memories were connsistent with other spotty memories so she could be more certain "about doubting some things
questioning things." These doubts are very common. We rarely get "clear precise memories." Particularly in the begining. When I was young (6 or 7)
I remember being photographed with my underwear on my head. Was there other molestation? Did I do that becaUSE the photographer suggested that or was I puttingthe underwear on my head as some kind of game? I do not know, but when my older brother was leading us in a game which ended with his ejaculating on my little brother's belly, I was 10, and had clear memories.

I hope this helps. By the way, this is what normalcy has always been for me.

May the Lord give you peace His most precious. gift.
 
There was a story my mother told about my returning home one wintry day without the bottom of my snow suit. I was about three years old at the time. She went looking for it and found it in the bottom of an outhouse... It was strange but really never meant anything to me until decades later when I was doing EMDR and body sensations arrived that soon told the story of my having been sexually abused by neighbor boys and men. All of a sudden that story about coming home naked from the waist down took on new meaning.

As Gene says, memories come in fragments and they can be of smells, sounds, body sensations. The first one I had in EMDR was the feeling of being dragged by my left ankle. I was sitting in a chair and all of a sudden it felt I was being pulled off the chair, my foot rising from the floor. It is well understood that during trauma the part of our mind that would normally be keeping track of things so we could later create a story goes off line. All we'll ever have are fragments. So patience is called for and the willingness to note the pieces that arrive... collecting them for later when this or that piece might be critical in filling out an honest story.

I "forgot" everything for decades... all I had to do to survive was live a fucked up life with alcohol, food, anonymous sex with men, crossdressing and porn. I call it a hell realm and it happened because of the sexual trauma I couldn't remember... likely because it was much too painful to remember. Be gentle. Keep doing what you do here... share your feelings with all of us. We'll listen without judgment and offer our support as you take the next step on your healing journey.
 
I thought I never forgot. But I have always had fragments or “a sense” of other things - both more during the four and a half years that I thought I had full memory of and a recurring “dream” both during sleep and daydreaming of something more. Recently I did some research and discovered evidence both in the Boy Scout perversion files and in old news reports that, while not confirming I was a victim of more, fits the fact pattern of That “sense”. Enough that I now claim it as a probable memory. And which strengthens my suspicion that the “Dream” Is in fact a memory too strong for my then young child mind to record or my old adult mind to replay...yet. But I am thankful my mind protected me from horror all these years and started releasing the worst only as I had tools to further survive WITH the memory.
 
smc

I too want to have clear memories. In an effort to do that, I contacted the Air Force to see if they found evidence I hid in my old house when they tore it down. I didn't expect them to really investigate, but now they might do it. I pray I am right, because my memory is fragmented. Now I have to go thru with this. I pray for clear memories, but no answer from God in the affirmative. I will keep praying and doing EMDR with my T. I hear you and fully understand. I hope you learn what happened as you are able to survive the memories.
 
I know it is common like all of you have stated just not sure what I am seeking. Not sure why I am still I guess want that perfectly clear memories. Like still doubting myself that some things that just feel so real for some reason might not be because it’s not clear. Some stuff is but is not the really bad stuff I have like just tiny fragments of that but I doubt myself.
 
I've said many times that confusion about it was one of the greatest challenges. I think the best we can do is be patient with not-knowing. I understand that is frustrating. Honestly, I would be happy if I never needed to come to this website... that I could say and feel in my heart that all the horror of my childhood was fully behind me. But that isn't true and I'm greatly relieved this place is here so I can hang out with other men who at still confused and still finding ways to care for themselves. I need support with both of those things... so you're not alone at all.
 
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