15-11-99
Just over two months has gone by since I first started writing about my past and my efforts to come to terms with it and a lot has gone on since then.
Therapy has helped me to put things into the proper perspective and the unflinching support from my wife gives me the impetus to carry on with the difficult and painful path I have chosen.
Make no mistake about the pain that therapy releases, or about the effort to go back for more. Its hard.
Someone, no not someone - me, has taken a big stick and stirred up my whole life. Then I have had to grab the bits I wanted and put them in a prominent and safe place, the dross I have had to put somewhere else.
Early on I likened my present turmoil to having devils lurking in my mind, and in my better, more lucid moments I would chase the devils back behind a wall I had constructed in there.
But they would soon chip away at the flimsy construction and escape. Climbing over the rubble telling me their lies once more.
I would give in and listen, once more believing I was as worthless and as guilty as they said. Letting them dance over the rubble, spreading my defences even more thinly.
And I would do it again, I would find a bit of strength from somewhere and rebuild the wall using my self confidence as the bricks and my emotions as the mortar. Unfortunately they were both weak and crumbling and I was without the proper tools for the job, so it always ended in failure. They had a head start on me and were well established in the demolition business.
But now with therapy and support I am learning to maintain my wall properly. My wifes support has boosted my self confidence no end. If others are confident in me they why shouldnt I be confident in myself ? Likewise my stifled and restrained emotions are returning to normal ( I hope ! )
I am recognising what is going on now, and dealing with what went on back then, thats something I know I will always have to do - but thats ok.
So thats the materials sorted, how about the tools ? Well, therapy has supplied those, no thats not entirely right, therapy has shown me where to find them and how to use them. I had them all the time. So now Im armed with a big shovel for mixing my mortar, instead of a stick, its quicker and more thorough. My trowel is large and shiny so I can get the mortar where I need it, rapidly and without dropping it all around the place, and I have a long accurate spirit level to keep the bricks in line, essential for a strong wall.
But best of all I have my wife, my therapist and my trusted friends labouring for me, and they can pass the bricks and help mix the mortar faster than the devils can break it down.
What a team, My angels.
Occasionally the devils clamber up their side of the wall and poke their ugly faces over the top, but its getting easier as time goes on to poke them in the eye with a sharp stick and send them scurrying back into their murky little corner.
Im under no illusion that the wall will never be complete, in an ideal world it would reach from top to bottom and side to side. But there are no tops, bottoms or sides in the mind, its infinite. Both in size and in its capacity to change.
Having realised I lacked the tools and materials to work with was a major step for me, I could only bodge things on a DIY basis for so long. I had to change and a chain of events, all unconnected, led me to think about things in a different way.
Here's to 'walls' whether they keep the b*******s out, or whether we demolish them to let us out.