Walking through Knee high Mud (TRIGGERS)

Walking through Knee high Mud (TRIGGERS)
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Pete2004

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Guys:

I feel that I'm wearing a 50 pound pack. I can function fine, but just a foreboding feeling something is going wrong... Makes no sense... Just part of the SA effects... I was abused sexually by a slightly older neighbor at a young age... then by another young neighbor who had been with the 1st neighbor who "introduced" me to all this.... Then a scoutmaster as I have shared about in past discussions.... Then..... a fellow older scout asked me to masturbate him while we were camping together in the same pup tent... I did... Then I started acting all this out by (and this is where I feel so bad) initiating it with a younger scout sometime later.... even performing a blow job on him.... Then at 16 years old... (I now recognize why, but it still doesn't lessen the guilt...) I fondled my best friend while he was sleeping over and masturbated him to climax....it shredded the friendship.. then at 17, I did it to another friend sleeping over. I fondled him while asleep and he wanted me to give him a blow job... I did, but not to climax... It hurt the friendship and caused me much anxiety... We had frequently double dated and had sex with girlfriends (usually double dating at the drive in) prior to this last incident.

It took years to get these incidents behind me... I feel awful that I could have caused similar problems in these men that I also battle with. I don't consider myself to be a perp... none of this was premeditated that I know of ....at the same time it's eating at me... I am so ashamed. I need some dialog from you guys who have walked through this type guilt.

Pete :(
 
I am sorry but I cannot truly relate. I do not share your guilt. I can talk about guilt in general if you would like. I will say that it took a huge amount of courage to post this and I applaud you for that.
 
Charlie, I understand completely, I sexualized everyone as I was growing up I just thought it was normal. Except for me I stopped myself every time I almost acted on them. But I understand and feel your pain. When your young and sex is not the norm for some one so young.It just changes everything. I struggle with the same issue to this day. This place has opened me to a whole new world.I wish you peace. solo
 
Charlie I became a prostitute when I was 18-21. Age did not matter. Only the humilation and the money to feed a bad habit. God the gutter is an evil place to be.
Do not beat yourself up over it ok. It took guts to post this here.
 
I've done a lot of stuff I'm not proud of. I hurt some people as I was flailing about learning how to survive.

A few things I've learned:
1. I've got to hold myself gracefully. I'm not a saint, but I got by with the limited tools that I had.

2. Cycle breaking is hard work, but it's work that matters.

3. Before contacting any of the folks in your story, talk to a counselor about what you're doing and why.

4. Breathe.

Hang in.
Peace,
Brian
 
Thanks guys!
I guess I really beat myself up over this for years....and still do to some extent.. Your words offer comfort and I appreciate your reaching out to me.. Just getting it out here even anonymously has helped... I'm sorry if it was too much like a perp... I struggle with the guilt of that even tough in my mind it was innocent... not from a position of power, only small age differences... unlike those who abused me. I often wonder if I caused the same distress in others that I have experienced.. I pray NOT... I never forced myself and mostly, it was with permission... If any of this makes sense..

Pete
 
Charlie
at the age of 51 I have had more male sexual 'partners' than female, and I know that I'm not Gay in my desires - I've been married for 30 years and never look at another man, or boy, and think about them sexually.

My abuse was mainly at the hands of two older boys at boarding school, and it lasted for over four years.
These two boys had a loose 'club' of many other boys that were also being abused, or abusing, possibly up to ten or twelve altogether.

Sometimes a few of these other boys would join in when we had group sex, and I would also end up having sex with them, some were younger than me.
But we were sexualized by then, just as you were, by the actions of the abusers.
What we did, and you did, was a direct result of that dysfunctional sexualization. We were taught that sex was ok in the circumstances we learned it. THEY told us that, and we had no choice but to believe them. If we believed it, is it any surprise that we accepted their standards?

the other point I'd like to make is that many boys experiment with boys of nearly equal age, especially at camps and the like. I know that there was plenty of experimentation going on at the school, but I think it's below the line where it would be considered abusive.

Sexual abuse is more to do with the abuse of power than the actual sex, abusers use sex as the vehicle to control those people they consider weaker than themselves.
Sexual curiosity is miles away from abuse.

Dave
 
Thank you, Dave, for your response to Pete. It is also very useful to me. I still have a lot to learn and internalize about the difference between "curiosity" and "abuse", and also about the effects of being sexualized at too young an age and how it impacted my attitude towards sex in general.
 
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